Suspicions

I am starting to get suspicious. I have found more photographic evidence and it seems that J.Hi may not be in as much distress as I thought.

Here she is at Shepard's preschool graduation. She is looking pretty happy here. No distress to speak of.

And here she is with Sage on his 9th birthday. All smiles. Hmmmm, interesting.

Finally, I found out that she went on vacation with Alan, Sage and Shepard to their cabin in the mountains. I thought surely I would see her a total wreck at the thought of 'roughin' it' without Internet, cell phone service, and four days sans jewelry. Here she is handling challenges the only way she knows how.

I am starting to think she is not in trouble but may be having....FUN!!!! Could it be? Could she have forsaken us for a measly month of fun? Oh, this will not stand! I will be paying her a little visit tomorrow and she will answer for this. Oh yes she will!

J.Hi sightings

Hello again Friends,

I'm the one who posted yesterday. You can just call me Reader. After a day of searching and asking around J.Hi's 'hood I still was not able to find her current whereabouts but I did dig up some information. It seems that she was sighted on Memorial Day weekend at the zoo with her family. I found some pictures documenting this visit. Rumor has it that after buying the food to feed the animals, her sons balked and she was forced to do the dirty work. Here is J.Hi being licked by a very long, black toungue.

The family then proceeded to the camel area. where J.Hi instructed her husband, Alan, to take a picture of "the one with two humps." This is the result.

Well, the zoo visit did not give me any clues as to why she is not posting so I decided to talk to her neighbors. It seems that later that same weekend she was spotted at a neighborhood party.

Alright, now we're getting to it. Poor J.Hi! What could be going on with her that she would allow a picture like this to be taken? She obviously is very disturbed? Maybe from the giraffe licking? Possibly. Is she giving us a distress signal here? Is this a cry for help? What ill fate has befallen our Princess of the Pedestrian? Our Madame Mundane? I am going to get to the bottom of this and will not rest until I help her. Truly I cannot live without the weekly accounts of her everyday extra average humdrum life. So on I go. I will report back, Friends.

Where in the world is J.Hi?

Hello Friends, It's been over a month and we have not had a new post from J.Hi. I am a regular reader of this blog and I want to know where she has been? Why hasn't she posted? Doesn't she care about us? Is she really a wife, mother, nurse? Is she really a woman?!!! Or has this all been a ruse, a dream sequence? Have we just woken up without her? I am afraid. I don't think I can live without her. Where are you J.Hi?!! Please come back to us, I am begging you!!!!!!

Ok, I need to get a grip and just go out there and find her. I am going to do some investigation today people and I will let you know what I find out. Please say a prayer for me, for her, for all of us.

Mama mia!!!!

Mother's Day had its ups and downs. I always have this fantasy of having breakfast served in bed and then being waited on hand and foot for the rest of the day while being showered with love and appreciation. Doesn't usually happen, but they try and that is what counts. I know they love me. How could they not?! Ha!


I have two sister who are 11 and 10 years older than me. They became mothers long before I did. When I was a teen my mom, my sisters and my middle sister's mother-in-law had tradition of going out on Mother's Day for a ladies only brunch. They would give each other funny presents, have some cocktails and laugh together. I was not included since I was not a mother. Their tradition went on a several year hiatus when my sister's mother-in-law passed away.

However, in 2003 my mom decided that the Mother's Day brunch should resume including moi, of course, since now I had Sage. When I heard the news, I had an idea...a wonderful awful idea. I begged my mom to let me plan the brunch and with a slight hesitation she agreed. She likes to be actively involved in planning so it was hard to let the newbie take over. I also decided to keep the venue a secret. I had to keep it a secret because I didn't want anyone to chicken out or rain on my parade. You see, I decided to take them to a Drag Show brunch at a gay bar downtown.

Mother's Day morning arrived and they were still in the dark. Besides myself, the group consisted of my Mom, my two sisters, and my Mother-in-law. As we were waiting in line to go into the bar, my sister sidled up to me and pointed at the hostess. (Picture if you will King Kong Bundy in yellow chiffon with a blond wig) My sister whispered to me, "I think that hostess is a man!" My hand flew to my chest and I gasped, "Really?! You think so?" Inside I am laughing my ass off.



The brunch was a big hit. I was the hero of the day. My mom said it was the "best Mother's Day ever!!" And that is my best Mother's Day memory.








Brunch: $20


Drinks: $12


My mom with man boobies in her face: Priceless

My parents never loved me

And here's the proof...





What kind of a messed up 5th birthday present is that?!! I cannot believe my parents seriously did this to me. Come on!!!

My baby turned 5 on Thursday and in September will be entering kindergarten. This has been a tough one for me. But he is excited and oh so ready for the next step. He has grown up way too quickly--a result of having an older brother I am sure. Instead of watching Diego he watches 'iCarly' and 'Drake and Josh.' Instead of playing innocently with blocks or cars, he is out having epic Nerf gun battles with the boys in the 'hood. The birthdays are tough---Imagine something that you own completely but every year you have to give up a little more ownership, a little more control. It's like giving up a little piece of myself. I am excited for them but scared too. I fear change!!!!

I wish things could stay the way they are right now. Because now seems kind of perfect.

One thing leads to another

The green dust has been mucking up my mind, ya'll. The pollen usually doesn't kick my butt this bad. But for the past month I have been a coughing, snotting, couch loving, junk food eating, ass dragging human equivalent of a three-toed sloth. I have tons of thoughts in my head but not motivated to get them out. Until now...

Because of my period of sluggishness, I have packed on a few pounds. My only exercise has been to watch "The Biggest Loser" and feel guilty. But Alan and I know that the dreaded bathing suit season is coming which is the motivation we needed to buy a treadmill and get our fat assess moving again. Alan finally finished putting it together Sunday night while I was at work. He made the grave mistake of leaving the boys alone in the room with it while he went to run their bath. Alan heard a loud crash and then crying. Here's what happened in Shepard's words "I was walking on the treadmill and then Sage put it on speed and I flew off the back." Yes, poor Shepard went flying off the treadmill and crashed into the wall behind him and busted his lip. And was Alan sorry that Shepard got hurt? Well, of course he was but he was more sorry that he didn't get it on tape so he could get it in cash. Later in the week, this conversation was overheard:

Sage "Shepard, I love you."

Shepard "Talk to the hand."

Speaking of exercise motivation...Shepard walked in on me getting out of the shower one morning and said in his sing songy voice, "I see your butt...it's wobbly." After that blow to my ego, Shepard sang, "I see your penis!" I said, "I don't have a penis." Then he asked, "Well, what do you call it?" That did give me pause. I was not sure what to tell him. I didn't want him to call it a 'pookey' which is what I grew up thinking it was called. I told him it was my private area. So then he sang, "I see your private area!" Alan said I should have told him it was my 'Va Jay Jay.' Not sure how that would go over in church preschool.

Speaking of discussing sensitive issues with your kids...Sage is almost 9 and I have been agonizing about what tell him about body/sex issues and when it is appropriate. I decided to start with how babies are born. I came across a show on TLC where they were going to show a woman having C-section. Sage was born via C-section because he was breech so I thought it would be a good way to broach the subject. Sage watched the surgery and said it was gross. But he was very pleased to find out that the first body part he presented to this world was his butt. Then I went on to explain to him how babies were born without surgery. I told him that women had an extra hole down there that was connected to a uterus where the babies grew. When the baby is ready it comes out of that extra hole. Sage thought about it and then said, "Hmmmm, that's like mammals." It was a relief to have that first sensitive talk over with. And imagine my delight when, at my parent's 53rd anniversary dinner last night, Sage used the word 'uterus' in a sentence.

Speaking of sex stuff...I read an article in the paper about some middle school students in my county that got busted for sexting (taking nude pics of them selves and texting it to classmates.) So I told Alan about it and demanded that he sext me right now. He promptly dropped his drawers in the middle of the kitchen. Ok, kind of low tech, but I guess that was fine too. (Picture unavailable

Speaking of not wearing underwear (and Alan wasn't wearing any)...Shepard heard Alan and Sage discussing a Star Wars character named Commander Cody. He started associating this name with the phrase "going commando." So whenever I hear him say "I'm going Cody today" I have to do an underwear check.

Speaking of wearing underwear...This is my favorite underwear picture ever.

Swine Flu, my ass!

Did you hear that they renamed the Swine Flu? It's now H1N1 virus. Is it me or does that make you want to call it the Heiny Flu? Ass lovers everywhere will now be afraid for their lives. Do you love ass? Oh you do?! Well the Heiny Flu is coming for you. I hope they will be distributing some ass masks for protection. Since it is a combo of pig, bird and human germs, why don't they call it the "You will get this flu when pigs fly"virus. That would be catchy. Or how about the "You couldn't have just stayed home and drank your tequila!" flu. All good options.

I am a little surprised at all the panicking going on about this thing. I have heard so many conspiracy theories surrounding the virus I am starting to think it should be called the "Panic and wring your hand about the flu but don't pay attention to what we are doing over here" flu. And did you hear that the Egyptians ordered the slaughter of like 300,000 pigs? Crazy! Where is PETA when you need them. Shouldn't they be protesting in the streets of Cairo, stripping down and doing their nude commercials, holding up signs of bacon?! Mmmmmm, baaaaacooooon. Hey Egypt, that's a lot of freaking pork products you have on your hands there. I am willing to help you out. Just send all the bacon to me!! Thanks, Egypt.

AL TV

Sleeping Beauty (that's me) was awoken this morning not by a gentle kiss but by the sounds of 'I Love Rocky Road.' It was Weird Al Yankovic who woke me from my comfortable slumber. I've always thought Weird Al was funny but I never realized the genius of Al until Sage started to become a huge Weird Al fan. It all started last year when Sage told me one of his favorite rap songs was 'White and Nerdy.' I know a little about rap and was sure he had mixed the title up with a Chamillionaire song called 'Ridin' where he declares that he's "ridin' dirty." So I googled it to see why he came up with his alternate title and found the Weird Al version. And there it was--comedic genius. I remember him from the '80s but didn't realize that he was still going strong. Sage enjoys watching his videos on You Tube. I have to say I always laugh when he screams "HO!!!" at a garden hoe in the 'Fat' video. This guy definitely does not get enough credit.

There are some good ones on You Tube--classics like 'Fat' and 'Eat it' and some more recent ones like 'Amish Paradise', 'Smells like Nirvana', and 'Pretty Fly for a Rabbi.' But my all time favorite is 'White and Nerdy.'

Better batter therapy

Whoa, who was that raving maniac posting yesterday?! OK, there are many sides to me and one of them is an angry, violent wildcat. Whatev, they are my inner demons and I own them! Plus I look really cute when I rave. ;)


I'm feeling a bit better today due to time and the great support and advice I received from my blogging buds. It seems that batting practice is a wonderful way to blow off steam. I tried it. Well, I wasn't able to get to the batting cage but I pulled out Shepard's Fischer Price Better Batter Baseball. I took a few swings with the Spiderman bat and it was helpful. I guess the neighborhood kids were wondering why the Better Batter baseballs were taking me for granted , why they hear but never listen, and why they had to "Take that, you fucker!!" Much better than Enya.

Like a chainsaw

I am not in a good place today. Life has been dog piling on me lately and I am feeling overwhelmed--not sad so much as angry. I've got a raging hot, nasty knot of anger just sitting in my gut and no way to get rid of it. I mean I am wife, mother, nurse and community member--it's not like I can go around raging and breaking shit. Although that would feel really good, it's just not practical.

That's my problem, I too freaking practical and worried about others. All of the roles I have in my life are pretty thankless jobs. I don't get a whole lot of validation from being a mom. Not their fault, they're kids and the world revolves around them, you know. And since I am married to a man, same story. Maybe if I had a wife it would be different. At then there's my job where people won't say boo to a doctor but will lay it all on a nurse. So, I handle a lot of problems and I am tired--and angry. No one tries to understand me but they damn sure don't want to walk in my shoes. No man is an island, but I am not a man. There's no safety net in my world and that pisses me off!!

I've been listening to a lot of Enya and Jim Brickman to try and calm myself and get all centered but that's just made me want blast a cap in something--not a living thing, maybe a fluffy pillow or a fuzzy stuffed bunny. Why can't there be a room where I could just go all rock star? You know, throw bottles at the wall, chairs out of the window, shoot a TV--cool stuff like that. I'll just have to settle for some rage music and a heavy dose of fantasy. Here's the angriest song I know--it started a riot at Woodstock. Killer!



Just one of those days, ya'll.

F-F-F Foolin'

I want to thank all of you who watched my kid's kick ass talent show video. He has over 100 hits on You Tube and though that is just a blip in the big scheme of things, it is really exciting to an 8 year old. So thanks. And if you haven't watched it, then do it you heartless bastard!! (See last Wednesday's post)


Today is my HALF Birthday so you may send me half the love you normally would on my actual birthday. And wine, send wine.

The best April Fools prank I ever pulled was when I was in college. I called my older sister and told her I was in jail. I had the fake crying and everything (I was actually laughing so much it sounded like I was crying.) I never thought she would buy it because it was April Fools Day and I was not a rowdy youth. I mean seriously, I was such a good girl--never caused trouble. But she believed me and it was great. So the next year I called her up and told her I was in jail again. I thought she would laugh and say "Oh, ha ha. Yeah, I remember last year." But for some reason, she believed me again. I think that's the first time I knew my sister had some serious mental issues.

I love to prank people but I am not very creative. My idea of a good time is to hide and then jump out and scare them. That has always been fun to me. Especially when I get Alan--maybe that's why he is so jumpy. And there was one time I got Sage so good that I made him cry. I did feel bad about that especially because I peed my pants while I was laughing so hard.

The best scare I've ever done was totally an accident. It was the first year Alan and I were married and I was trying to be creative in my use of all the lingerie I had received for my wedding. One evening I put on a sexy black lacy number and closed myself in the coat closet of our apartment. My idea was that Alan would come home, open the coat closet and be pleasantly surprised when he found me all sexified. However, here's what actually happened. He came in the door, opened the coat closet door, saw me and simultaneously screamed and fell back against the wall behind him. He then slid down the wall and landed on the floor in shock. I had throw the coats aside and scramble out to check his breathing and pulse. He was kind of traumatized and there was no lovin' that night. I learned a good lesson that day. Mortal terror isn't sexy. Oops, my bad.

J.Hi, this is your life

I walked upstairs to find this note taped to the wall. God, did you leave this note?*

*It reads "Warning you in the fire zone so be carful if you want to live."

Duel of the Fates

Sage was in the school talent show last week. It's elementary school so if you audition and you are appropriate, you're in. Needless to say, there were a lot of girl groups dancing and cheering. He decided to show off his mad light sabre skillz to music. He is simulating a battle to the music "Duel of the Fates" from Episode I. According to the show director, Sage's act was very unique. As a proud mother, I would have to say he was totally AWESOME!!! I think he enjoyed his moment in the spotlight. He said afterwards that he got a lot of hugs from girls--one girl hugged him twice. Ha! Here's my baby. I sense that fame is his destiny.

The beast that ate my cookie

Alan and I have had a run of bad luck recently which resulted in a financial crunch. It was the tree removal, 2 large car repair bills, and our heat pump conked out during the snowstorm. Ch-ching, ch-ching, and yes, more ch-ching right out of our pocket. We were scraping the bottom of the barrel. We even resorted to stealing $18 from our 8 year old son's wallet so we could go out to lunch together. Alan worried that he might discover that his money was gone but I didn't think he would notice. And if he did notice I was going to show him my C-section scar and say, "Yeah, paid in full, boy!" (Ok, so Sage did notice. He came to me early one morning weeping while he held open his empty wallet. I told him that we had "borrowed" the money. We paid him back with an extra $2 for hush money. Later I learned that the little swindler showed my dad his empty wallet and got an extra $25. Damn, why didn't I think of that?)

During this run of bad luck I decided to drown my sorrows--not with alcohol. Alcohol is for parties but food is best for numbing the inner pain. And, lucky for me, it just so happens that it was Girl Scout cookie time. I always buy my three favorites--Tagalongs, Thin Mints and Samoas. I broke open the Tagalongs first and savored one before leaving for work one evening. Mmmmm, nutty creamy goodness (that's what she said!)

So I returned late that night after a hard shift to find an empty Tagalong box on the counter. Seems that Alan and his XY gang had eaten the whole box. I totally went all Chris Brown on him. I chased him around and beat him with the empty cookie box. If anyone deserves domestic cookie box violence it would be a man who ate my Tagalongs, don't you think? How am I supposed to fill the void inside of me now? Well, ok, there are the Thin Mints and Samoas but he still deserved it. He will think twice next time he wants to eat my Tagalong.

Here's the happy ending. The bad luck seems to be over for now. It's funny how pay day mixed with some sunshine can alter your perspective. This past week was a very busy week for me--Sage was in the school talent show, I had a reunion with some good college friends, and I gave a baby shower for a friend at work. Though it was stressful that these events all hit in the same week, they were all very happy occasions. I was able to switch from food to alcohol--as you can tell from picture.

Tree trauma

We had a snowstorm Sunday evening and during that storm we heard a loud scratching noise on the house. When we ran to the window to look out we saw one of the limbs of our front yard tree had cracked and fallen toward the house. Then a few hours later we were stunned by another loud CRACK! Another huge limb down toward the minivan--horrors. The tree people came the next day and had to take the whole tree, it could not be saved. Fortunately, there was no damage done unless you count the damage to Sage's sensitive little heart. I found him in his room with tears streaming down his face while he watched the dismantling of the tree.

We called this tree 'Sage's climbing tree.' He has spent many hours up in the branches over the past 6 months. He had even pimped it out with boards to climb up and to sit on, old screens for privacy, ropes for additional climbing assistance, boxes for his treasures, and even nailed a sign on it listing the members of his tree club. It was quite a sight--kind of Blair Witchy. It was his own special place until recently we got a threatening letter from our evil neighborhood association claiming it was "unsightly." We had to take down his tree house and Sage was very upset. But now he is devastated. We are trying to comfort him and help him deal with his grief. We had the tree men cut a section of the tree so we could make a remembrance plaque to hang in his room. I know he was emotionally attached to the tree but I just hope he doesn't turn into one of these people in this video, because these people are just asking to be smacked repeatedly.

Closet case

I am writing this from inside my closet--lights off and typing softly. I have to be careful not to make a sound for they may find me. I can hear them out there. Faint bumps, rustling, louder thuds, and sometimes murmuring or yelling. I know they are out there ransacking the house and there is nothing I can do about it. I am helpless inside my own house, a hostage. Alan is back at work. I am alone. Alone with the knowledge that at any second I could be discovered and ripped from my sanctuary. I can only imagine what kind of demands they would make, what kind of hell I would be put through. The thought sends waves of terror through me and my blood runs cold.
Oh no!! I think they heard my sob of despair. They are outside my closet door, trying to get in. All I can do is clasp my hands tightly and pray. Pray for my life.

Dear God,
Only you can help me!
Please send your sunshine down upon me
so the snow will melt
and the kids will go back to school.
Amen

Wine festival brush with fame

Alan and I went to a wine expo yesterday with our neighbors. Over 300 wines from about 40 wineries from our state. The wines were excellent. But imagine my surprise when I had a brush with celebrity. Here's a picture...

Can you tell who it is? I know it's his back but just imagine him in a purple suit, fur coat and a big hat with a feather. It is none other than Venus Flytrap himself!! He's otherwise known (or is he?) as Tim Reid. Now you see it, don't you?

Whenever I see a celebrity I usually do not go up and talk to them. They are strangers after all. I just gawk. I don't even have the balls to take a full frontal picture. I could never be a paparazzi. Alan and I did try and take a stealthy photo of him. It pretty much sucks too but I did get a profile. You see over Alan's shoulder behind the purple woman. There's Venus!!

Here's a couple of shots of some very bad fashion choices that I noticed during the fest.

<--------Ladies, stay away from short dresses with boots.

Fancy dress with bright white tennis shoes, interesting----->

Alan and I used to go wine tasting all the time before kids. We have a booming wine business in my state. I remember when Alan would map out wine trips for us to take, "In this campaign, we'll hit at least 5 wineries," he'd say. It was quite a good time. I had to restrain myself yesterday and limit my tastings since Alan was the designated drinker and I was the designated driver. But I still left with a smile on my face.

The art of killing the mood: Chapter 3

One morning before school, Alan and I were having a great argument. It seems that the previous week Alan had sent Shepard to school with a bag of chips for a snack. The children are supposed to bring in a 'healthy snack' so I was a bit miffed by his decision. The discussion became more heated (and louder) since he was trying to defend himself and argue that a bag of chips was a healthy snack. I yelled, "Yeah, maybe compared to a bag of lard!" And on we argued, until...

Sage, who had been sitting at the breakfast table the whole time, piped up and said with a grin, "I need a bag of popcorn!! I'm enjoying this!" This shut us both up rather quickly.

Yes, wheter it be a good argument or good love (see Chapter 1 and Chapter 2) my children really know how to kill the deal.

J.Hi's secret

My boobs are once again sitting up and at attention. I am sure you all are relieved. My post Christmas mall aversion lasted a bit longer this year. But last week I was finally able to enter the mall and bra shop. I tried hard to find a bra other than a Victoria Secret bra because I really do not have a strong desire to spend $40 on one bra. However, through careful research (OK, so I went to one other place) I found that the VS bras are far superior. These lovelies are very well packaged now--no wiggling, jiggling, falling or flapping in the breeze (unless I choose to make those things happen.)

According to my bra expert Erica (I didn't check her credentials), I was wearing the wrong size bra. She measured me at a size smaller than what I was wearing but when she measured my cup size she went two cups bigger than what I was wearing. She said I measured at a D cup but she must have been coming on to me because I have never been a D cup. I decided to go for a more reasonable C cup. I love my bra! It's lifts, supports and it's so pretty. Man, I feel like a woman! I cannot stop looking down my own shirt.

I wish I could share with you my new and improved boobalicious figure but I'm not that kind of blogger. I refuse to stoop to such levels to get more readers. Although I have been known to do things that are out of character when people are chanting my name (and after lots of alcohol.) Shhhhhh, don't tell.

Jason loves you

Friday the 13th. What does that mean to me? Well, I am not superstitious so it would be just another day except for that damn movie. When you think of scary don't you think about that hockey mask? I know I do. I loved horror movies when I was younger, especially Friday the 13th Part 2. I never saw the original because I was too young at the time but I did see Part 2. It came out in 1981. I would have been 11 and I don't think my mom would have let me see it at that age either. I'm pretty sure I saw it years later when we got cable. I saw a lot of movies I shouldn't have seen when we got cable. I remember sitting up late into the night on weekends watching inappropriate TV. I had my finger on the remote and would change the channel if I heard the faintest creak or felt the slightest change in pressure. "Friday the 13th part 2" is one of those life changing movies because the images just stay in your brain. I never sit with my back to a large window. And I can't walk through the woods without looking over my shoulder to make sure I'm not being chased by a psycho. Here is one of my favorite clips referencing Jason from the movie "Nothing to Lose" with Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins. Bad language alert: Don't watch at work!!

I also want to bring to your attention that today is Peter Tork's (The Monkees) birthday. What?!! I love The Monkees!!

Hope you all have a lucky 13th and I hope you get some good Valentine lovin' tomorrow. Monday is President's Day, so if you feel like spreading your wealth, send it on my way! Ha!