Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Like a chainsaw

I am not in a good place today. Life has been dog piling on me lately and I am feeling overwhelmed--not sad so much as angry. I've got a raging hot, nasty knot of anger just sitting in my gut and no way to get rid of it. I mean I am wife, mother, nurse and community member--it's not like I can go around raging and breaking shit. Although that would feel really good, it's just not practical.

That's my problem, I too freaking practical and worried about others. All of the roles I have in my life are pretty thankless jobs. I don't get a whole lot of validation from being a mom. Not their fault, they're kids and the world revolves around them, you know. And since I am married to a man, same story. Maybe if I had a wife it would be different. At then there's my job where people won't say boo to a doctor but will lay it all on a nurse. So, I handle a lot of problems and I am tired--and angry. No one tries to understand me but they damn sure don't want to walk in my shoes. No man is an island, but I am not a man. There's no safety net in my world and that pisses me off!!

I've been listening to a lot of Enya and Jim Brickman to try and calm myself and get all centered but that's just made me want blast a cap in something--not a living thing, maybe a fluffy pillow or a fuzzy stuffed bunny. Why can't there be a room where I could just go all rock star? You know, throw bottles at the wall, chairs out of the window, shoot a TV--cool stuff like that. I'll just have to settle for some rage music and a heavy dose of fantasy. Here's the angriest song I know--it started a riot at Woodstock. Killer!

Just one of those days, ya'll.


Clippy Mat said...

whoa nelly.
sorry you are feeling so ......... not sure what to call it. ??
i hear you tho'. i've often wished i had me one of them thar punch bags that i could wale on till i was spent!
your job as a mother may seem thankless at times but it looks like you are turning out some pretty fine human beings from what i can see. i read your blog. you're doing okay.

C said...

honey, i have been in your shoes too many times to count. i feel ya. what i did so i wouldnt implode was go to the batting cages, with a bunch of change, and i hit balls with people's imaginary faces on them [mainly my ex husband at the time] and i would hit as hard as i could and even yell out with each hit and swear.... it was quite the site. anyhoo, my point, and i do have one, is i hit them balls with faces on them until i was physically spent. it was such a release for me, yeah, i'd cry all the way home but a nice hot bath, some wine and relaxing music finished me off and then i felt like a huge burden was off my shoulders, erm, and in my guts. i hope you do try this, i think it may help you.
you do have a very stressful life, being a nurse on it's own... never mind all the other roles you play... but like i said in my post, we have so much shit to do to work in that unit. i have to keep current with NRP [neonatal rescusitation] BLS, ACLS, S.T.A.B.L.E. and chart audits, monthy fetal monitoring strips, we have to keep a portfolio, kiss dr's asses, we are always wrong they are always pampered and right. our boss has her own little rules we have to maintain that other units dont. i'm fed up. the moment i walked in there, i felt the stress. the day nurses are mostly clique bitches who gossip, tattle, and are hypocritical. our night shift is awesome. we are close. days leaves nights all the shit work to do then think we dont have enough to keep us busy. we have to pre-op all the c-sections cuz they come in at 6 am on our shift... oh, dont get me started. it would be better if our boss wasnt such a skitzoid. she makes everyone crazy. she has double standards for day/night shift. fucking hell, i really wish i had enough money not to work.
im not really complaining about my job because i do love it. but the busy work drives me insane. anyhoo, vent, baby, vent.... go to the batting cages....

and hang in there.


C oxoxo

Anonymous said...

I used to grab some batting gloves and a bat and head to the local Putt-Putt for batting practice. I wore myself out till that "knot" left.

Melissa said...

i used to punch alan...oh and throw cheerleading trophies at his head. it does long as you miss his head!