Friday, December 18, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Have fun and don't break a hip!!
Friday, December 04, 2009
I Object!...to people who whine about having to listen to Christmas music throughout the month of December. It never fails, every year I will hear a handful of people making snide comments like, "Ugh, Christmas music, already?" or "I cannot bear to listen to anymore Christmas music!" That really frosts my boughs of holly.
I happen to love Christmas music! I have around 50 CDs of Christmas music and I usually buy a new CD or two every year. I have a 50 disc changer and I put all the CDs in it and hit random play. I love it! I love hearing different artists sing their take on the classics and I love it when they make up a new song. It makes me happy, ok? (Except that one song about the boy buying shoes for his mom because she's going to meet Jesus for Christmas. Oh how I hate that song. It is one of THE worst songs ever written--right up there with that song that goes..."Daddy please don't, it wasn't his fault, he means so much to me, Daddy please don't, we're gonna get married, just you wait and see." OMG--cough, wretch--blech! Horrid!
What's wrong with you Christmas music haters? What is it that irritates you? Is it the joy? The peace and goodwill? The candy canes and silver lanes? Yeah, I can see how that stuff is soooo annoying. (sarcasm)
I dedicate this video of Christmas favorites to you. Watch it...it's got Santa, trees, lights, decorations, Elvis, an adorable kitten, and polar bears. Polar bears will be burned to a crisp in 10 years so enjoy them now! I think you haters need a big ole Christmas music enema to fill the void where your soul should be.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I reluctantly made an appointment with a new girl. I didn't even ask her name--why bother? She wasn't Anna Paula. And not only wasn't she my wonderful deaf Brazilian, but she was terrible. I had the 2nd worst waxing experience of my life. During the waxing she kept making that sucking air sound through her teeth--you know, the sound you hear when you see something really gruesome and you think, "That's got to hurt!" I left with a black and blue crotchital area and a vow to NEVER wax again.
Throughout the summer I tried shaving but that's just not pleasant. The result is itchy, bumpy, sharp stubbleness. (And Brer Rabbit said, "Whatever you do, please don't throw me in that briar patch!!") So when the weather turned, I just gave up and let it go. Until...last week. Alan, while staring at my area, asked, "So, what are you doing with that?" I said, "I'm growing my winter coat. You got a problem with that?" He said, "No, no problem. I was just wondering." Mmmm Hmmmm...just asking. Right.
So I called the spa and made another appointment for a bare bikini (somewhere between a bikini and a full Brazilian.) I also made sure I didn't get the savage who waxed me last. I was still dreading it until I met Skyler, my new waxer. She was sweet, easy to chat with, gentle, and fast. Best of all, she wasn't intimidated by, as Alan called it, my 70's Porn star look. I didn't think it would ever happen again, but it did...I love her. And the sun is once again shining on my hoo-ha, so to speak.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Friday, November 06, 2009
I volunteered to bring in a Halloween snack for Shepard's kindergarten class. I decided to go all out--I made bloodshot monster eyeball cupcakes, square pretzels half dipped in chocolate and black and orange sprinkles, and string cheese cut into the shape of a creepy finger with a slice of grape for the fingernail. It took me most of the evening before and the morning of snack day to complete the food. On snack day, I personally delivered the snacks to his class and helped the teacher serve them on carefully chosen Halloween napkins.
That afternoon when Shepard arrived home I asked him, "Shepard, did you like the Halloween snacks I brought to your class?" He replied, "No, it was yucky. I didn't eat it." Shepard is an extremely picky eater and if things look the least bit different he refuses to try it. However, I had worked so hard and I felt really down about it. Alan had a talk with him that evening and told him, "Shepard, you really hurt Mommy's feelings. You should apologize to her."
So the next day, Shepard came up to me, took my hand as he looked me in the eyes, and said, "Mommy, I am sorry your snacks were yucky."
Monday, November 02, 2009
Let me present to you...da da da daaaaahhh...
Captain Roadkill and Wal*Mart Woman!!!
I bought most all of my costume components at Wal*Mart! Can you believe it? I even had one of my neighbors say that I looked hot. Alan agreed and kept wanting to do rude things to Wal*Mart Woman. Man, if I knew dressing trashy would make me this desirable I would have started a long time ago.
Save money, Live Better.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 01, 2009
All hail the Birthday girl!! That's me. I have made a birthday resolution which is to rock the last year of my 30s. This decade has been good to me. I have wonderful memories. I don't know what to expect from my 40s but I will think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.
I started my day with the kids giving me lots of hugs. Sage even walked with me to the bus stop instead of 10 feet in front of me. I felt so special. Then it was off to coffee with my girlfriends. I am having lunch with my mom at the botanical gardens and dinner with my whole family tonight. Should be a fun day.
When Alan and the boys were discussing my birthday present I told them not to buy anything. I said that the best present they could give me would be to keep the house clean for one week. So, they bought me Rockband 2 for the Xbox. Yes, I love it. I love the drums although I probably look like a spaz on amphetamines when I am playing. I am terrible at guitar. But I think I really shine at the mic. I could totally be a rock singer if it wasn't for the off keyness. Ha!
So what should I do in the last year of my 30s--something I have never done before. Get a tattoo? A piercing on a part other than my ear? Go to Mardi Gras? Vegas? Have sex in a car? On film? Wear a cowboy hat? Go camping? Get in a fist fight? Dye my hair? Take up wrestling? Sewing? Stick to a diet until completion? Have plastic surgery?
I will take suggestions but just keep in mind that I do not jump out or off of things. I am not afraid of heights--I am afraid of falling from them. I am ready to crazy go nuts this year. So let me know what you think. (And if you say plastic surgery, you have to name the part. But if you say my nose, I will cut you!!)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
What the hell is going on here?! Why is the year 2009 trying to kill my childhood?
I swear if Simon Le Bon dies next, I am going to freaking LOSE IT, People!!!!
Up yours 2009!!
And don't even think about messing with Michael J. Fox!!!!!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 07, 2009
Thursday, August 06, 2009
I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you, You had me mezmorized...
I first met Alan while in our 4th year of college. We were out at a bar with friends and our groups happened to be standing next to each other in the back of the room. He quietly sang along with the band. I remember his smile when I teased "I love it when you sing to me." We saw each other out a few more times that semester and we flirted, but he was never pushy. In fact, I finally had to ask him out. I called to invite him to my sorority formal and he accepted. And then he asked me out for that night. And we never looked back.
I hadn't told you yet, but I thought I loved you then...
We dated a little over two years. I'll never forget how we used to kiss at every stoplight while driving around town. The first time he told me he loved me, I responded with, "I think I love you too." He wasn't offended, he just giggled at me. I was so guarded but he knew that. He was alway so sure about us. He won me over.
We've come so far since that day, And I thought I loved you then...
I told him that when he proposed, I didn't want him down on one knee. I wanted him to start our life together just like we would live our life together--on the same level--partners. I couldn't wait to marry him. And, like our first dance song said, it was a whole new world. It was a big adjustment but we did it together.
Alan is just a great person. He can still surprise me after all these years. He makes me laugh. He loves me even when I don't deserve it. He is a wonderful father. My boys are so lucky. He has been right beside me for every major and minor decision--every happy time, every sad time. He's knows me best and he still loves me.
I love you, Alan. Happy 15th Anniversary!!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Under the rocking chair...
Under the bed...
In the corner with all his stuffed animals...
And finally, (this one nearly gave me a heart attack), up on the changing table.
When I'm at work and new parents ask me, "Should I wake the baby?" My answer is always NO! They'll learn soon enough...you never wake a sleeping child.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
***Side note: Let me just say, for the record, that my kids are waaaay too spoiled. When I was little I had a 60 year old scraggly-haired dentist with a gravely voice and smoker's breath. And he scared the crap out of me. I always behaved because I was paralysed with fear. I didn't want my kids to have that fear so I picked a mild mannered pediatric dentist with a bright, cheery office and prizes and balloons. Little did I realize that I was turning them into the "pansy asses" that my father predicted when he found out I got a baby wipe warmer for my baby shower.
My kids have been through about 10 toothpastes and still cannot decided on one they like and agree on--it's too minty, it's too fruity, it's too spicy, waaaaah. (And here it comes, I guess these speeches start in the late 30s...wait for it, wait for it...) BACK IN MY DAY, I had one choice of toothpaste and that was white Colgate. That's what my mom bought and that's what the whole family used and I didn't question it. Kids today!!
Sage wasn't as excited about the dentist visit being that he is not as easily impressed by cheap toys and balloons anymore. When we arrived the hygienist whisked them away for x-rays. It was Shepard's first teeth x-ray and he came back smiling. Sage took a bit longer and when he finally came out, he too had a grin on his face. He walked up to me and said, "I vomited." I surmised that the vomit was due to his strong gag reflex. He has had difficulty in the past tolerating the x-ray film back in his mouth. I guess I should have warned her. I was a bit horrified and asked, "Did you vomit on their floor?" He said, "A little bit" and again smiled looking quite pleased with himself. Then he went on to say (in his best Monty Python voice) "It smelt of ELDERBERRY!" Life is always an adventure with Sage around.
Later when Shepard found out Sage vomited he said, "You did number 3?" My kids have decided that, along with number 1 for pee and number 2 for poop, there is a number 3 which is vomit. Diarrhea is number 4. Cha Cha Cha
Friday, June 26, 2009
I am way, way too upset to exercise today. How could I possibly run the treadmill when Michael is dead? I had planned to start again today after my mourning period for David Carradine. And before that there was some jazz musician who died--or was it a singer? or maybe cinematographer? Can't remember. Damn, if these people don't stop dying, I will never be fit.
Speaking of tragic deaths, our big TV died on Monday. We had a 36 inch TV bought in 1998. I will never forget when we bought that TV. Alan and I were so freaking excited. The night before it was to be delivered I came down with a horrible stomach bug and threw up all night. In the wee hours of the morning Alan had to take me to the ER. Minutes turned to hours and we started getting nervous that we would miss our TV delivery--between 10 and 12 that morning. As I lay on the stretcher, pale and lethargic, IV in my arm, I lifted my head, took Alan's hand and said, "Honey, you have to leave me. You have to go get our big TV." Alan said, "Are you sure?" I replied, "Yes, we cannot miss our delivery time. You have to go. Go get our big TV." Alan did reluctantly leave me in the ER and got home just in time. My mom arrived soon after to pick me up and take me home. I spent the rest of the day recovering on the couch in front of that big TV.
But now we have a new big TV. A flat screen!! Wooo, welcome to the 21 century. Now I can watch 46 inches of Michael Jackson coverage all day long.
The 'We are the World' video is on. Haven't seen this in years. Michael has his sparkly socks and white glove on. Wow, that's when Kenny Rogers still looked real, not like a muppet. Bruce Springsteen is so constipated. Oh there's Bob Dylan. Is he still alive? What the hell is Dan Akroyd doing in there? Oh, sing it Ray!! I love Kenny Loggins 80s hair. Let me ask you, is it true that we make a better day, just you and me?
Seeing 'We are the World' really makes me want to watch the Jimmy Kimmel "I'm F*cking Ben Affleck" video again. And then I will watch Weird Al's "Fat" in tribute to Michael.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I am starting to think she is not in trouble but may be having....FUN!!!! Could it be? Could she have forsaken us for a measly month of fun? Oh, this will not stand! I will be paying her a little visit tomorrow and she will answer for this. Oh yes she will!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Well, the zoo visit did not give me any clues as to why she is not posting so I decided to talk to her neighbors. It seems that later that same weekend she was spotted at a neighborhood party.
Alright, now we're getting to it. Poor J.Hi! What could be going on with her that she would allow a picture like this to be taken? She obviously is very disturbed? Maybe from the giraffe licking? Possibly. Is she giving us a distress signal here? Is this a cry for help? What ill fate has befallen our Princess of the Pedestrian? Our Madame Mundane? I am going to get to the bottom of this and will not rest until I help her. Truly I cannot live without the weekly accounts of her everyday extra average humdrum life. So on I go. I will report back, Friends.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I have two sister who are 11 and 10 years older than me. They became mothers long before I did. When I was a teen my mom, my sisters and my middle sister's mother-in-law had tradition of going out on Mother's Day for a ladies only brunch. They would give each other funny presents, have some cocktails and laugh together. I was not included since I was not a mother. Their tradition went on a several year hiatus when my sister's mother-in-law passed away.
However, in 2003 my mom decided that the Mother's Day brunch should resume including moi, of course, since now I had Sage. When I heard the news, I had an idea...a wonderful awful idea. I begged my mom to let me plan the brunch and with a slight hesitation she agreed. She likes to be actively involved in planning so it was hard to let the newbie take over. I also decided to keep the venue a secret. I had to keep it a secret because I didn't want anyone to chicken out or rain on my parade. You see, I decided to take them to a Drag Show brunch at a gay bar downtown.
Mother's Day morning arrived and they were still in the dark. Besides myself, the group consisted of my Mom, my two sisters, and my Mother-in-law. As we were waiting in line to go into the bar, my sister sidled up to me and pointed at the hostess. (Picture if you will King Kong Bundy in yellow chiffon with a blond wig) My sister whispered to me, "I think that hostess is a man!" My hand flew to my chest and I gasped, "Really?! You think so?" Inside I am laughing my ass off.
The brunch was a big hit. I was the hero of the day. My mom said it was the "best Mother's Day ever!!" And that is my best Mother's Day memory.
My mom with man boobies in her face: Priceless
Monday, May 11, 2009
What kind of a messed up 5th birthday present is that?!! I cannot believe my parents seriously did this to me. Come on!!!
My baby turned 5 on Thursday and in September will be entering kindergarten. This has been a tough one for me. But he is excited and oh so ready for the next step. He has grown up way too quickly--a result of having an older brother I am sure. Instead of watching Diego he watches 'iCarly' and 'Drake and Josh.' Instead of playing innocently with blocks or cars, he is out having epic Nerf gun battles with the boys in the 'hood. The birthdays are tough---Imagine something that you own completely but every year you have to give up a little more ownership, a little more control. It's like giving up a little piece of myself. I am excited for them but scared too. I fear change!!!!
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Friday, May 01, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
There are some good ones on You Tube--classics like 'Fat' and 'Eat it' and some more recent ones like 'Amish Paradise', 'Smells like Nirvana', and 'Pretty Fly for a Rabbi.' But my all time favorite is 'White and Nerdy.'