Friday, June 26, 2009

I wanna rock with you

I mourn for Michael Jackson today. But I mourn for my '80s Michael, my Thriller Michael--not for what he became but for what he was. You cannot deny his influence. His music brings me back to my teenage years and will always have a special place in my heart. Another American tragedy.

I am way, way too upset to exercise today. How could I possibly run the treadmill when Michael is dead? I had planned to start again today after my mourning period for David Carradine. And before that there was some jazz musician who died--or was it a singer? or maybe cinematographer? Can't remember. Damn, if these people don't stop dying, I will never be fit.

Speaking of tragic deaths, our big TV died on Monday. We had a 36 inch TV bought in 1998. I will never forget when we bought that TV. Alan and I were so freaking excited. The night before it was to be delivered I came down with a horrible stomach bug and threw up all night. In the wee hours of the morning Alan had to take me to the ER. Minutes turned to hours and we started getting nervous that we would miss our TV delivery--between 10 and 12 that morning. As I lay on the stretcher, pale and lethargic, IV in my arm, I lifted my head, took Alan's hand and said, "Honey, you have to leave me. You have to go get our big TV." Alan said, "Are you sure?" I replied, "Yes, we cannot miss our delivery time. You have to go. Go get our big TV." Alan did reluctantly leave me in the ER and got home just in time. My mom arrived soon after to pick me up and take me home. I spent the rest of the day recovering on the couch in front of that big TV.

But now we have a new big TV. A flat screen!! Wooo, welcome to the 21 century. Now I can watch 46 inches of Michael Jackson coverage all day long.

The 'We are the World' video is on. Haven't seen this in years. Michael has his sparkly socks and white glove on. Wow, that's when Kenny Rogers still looked real, not like a muppet. Bruce Springsteen is so constipated. Oh there's Bob Dylan. Is he still alive? What the hell is Dan Akroyd doing in there? Oh, sing it Ray!! I love Kenny Loggins 80s hair. Let me ask you, is it true that we make a better day, just you and me?

Seeing 'We are the World' really makes me want to watch the Jimmy Kimmel "I'm F*cking Ben Affleck" video again. And then I will watch Weird Al's "Fat" in tribute to Michael.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Found: One selfish shrew

Here I am again, Friends, to inform you that my quest for the elusive J.Hi has ended. I have accomplished my mission. I found her. I went to her house and upon receiving no answer to my knock, I decided to wander around to the backyard. Who should I find lounging on the deck but Miss Thang herself. I confronted her and here is the transcript...

Reader: Well, well, well...if it isn't J.Hi sitting here with her feet up.

J.Hi: Reader!! Hi, how have you been?

Reader: Oh, do you really want to know?!

J.Hi: Um, sure.

Reader: In turmoil, complete and utter turmoil! I haven't been able to eat, sleep, or enjoy "I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here."

J.Hi: Oh no, Reader, why?

Reader: You have some nerve asking me that. You left without one word. It's been over a month since I've heard from you. One day you posted and then there was post, no goodbye...nothing. How could you?!

J.Hi: Reader, I'm sorry. There were just a lot of things going on--Shepard had soccer, Sage had SOL tests, then the end of school came...I had both of the boys' birthday parties to give, I was working and before I knew it--vacation. It's just been crazy.

Reader: Save it, sister!! You think you can just neglect me like that? Just go off and live your life and not blog about it? Well, you keep treating me this way and one day I won't be there. I will not be taken for granted!! I will not be ignored!!

J.Hi: Oh Reader...I...I'

Reader: WHAT?! You're so what?

J.Hi: I just feel terrible. I didn't know you would miss me. I am so, so sorry. Reader, please look at me.

Reader: no

J.Hi: Reader, take my hands and look at me. Come on, look at me...please. I have something to say.

Reader: fine

J.Hi: Dear Reader, I was wrong for leaving you that way. I am truly sorry. My life was so busy and the time just got away from me but that is no excuse. I should have posted. I should have let you know what was happening with me. I will try and do better for you. I am not perfect and I may lapse. Sometimes I may go for a while without posting but that doesn't mean I am not thinking about you. You fill a void in me that no one else can. I will never abandon you. I cherish you, Reader, and I will always, ALWAYS come back to you. Will you forgive me and give it another chance?

Will you, Reader?

Hmmm? One more chance?

Reader: What-Ever, Bitch!! Now get your lazy ass to the keyboard and start writing!!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I am starting to get suspicious. I have found more photographic evidence and it seems that J.Hi may not be in as much distress as I thought.

Here she is at Shepard's preschool graduation. She is looking pretty happy here. No distress to speak of.

And here she is with Sage on his 9th birthday. All smiles. Hmmmm, interesting.

Finally, I found out that she went on vacation with Alan, Sage and Shepard to their cabin in the mountains. I thought surely I would see her a total wreck at the thought of 'roughin' it' without Internet, cell phone service, and four days sans jewelry. Here she is handling challenges the only way she knows how.

I am starting to think she is not in trouble but may be having....FUN!!!! Could it be? Could she have forsaken us for a measly month of fun? Oh, this will not stand! I will be paying her a little visit tomorrow and she will answer for this. Oh yes she will!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

J.Hi sightings

Hello again Friends,

I'm the one who posted yesterday. You can just call me Reader. After a day of searching and asking around J.Hi's 'hood I still was not able to find her current whereabouts but I did dig up some information. It seems that she was sighted on Memorial Day weekend at the zoo with her family. I found some pictures documenting this visit. Rumor has it that after buying the food to feed the animals, her sons balked and she was forced to do the dirty work. Here is J.Hi being licked by a very long, black toungue.

The family then proceeded to the camel area. where J.Hi instructed her husband, Alan, to take a picture of "the one with two humps." This is the result.

Well, the zoo visit did not give me any clues as to why she is not posting so I decided to talk to her neighbors. It seems that later that same weekend she was spotted at a neighborhood party.

Alright, now we're getting to it. Poor J.Hi! What could be going on with her that she would allow a picture like this to be taken? She obviously is very disturbed? Maybe from the giraffe licking? Possibly. Is she giving us a distress signal here? Is this a cry for help? What ill fate has befallen our Princess of the Pedestrian? Our Madame Mundane? I am going to get to the bottom of this and will not rest until I help her. Truly I cannot live without the weekly accounts of her everyday extra average humdrum life. So on I go. I will report back, Friends.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Where in the world is J.Hi?

Hello Friends, It's been over a month and we have not had a new post from J.Hi. I am a regular reader of this blog and I want to know where she has been? Why hasn't she posted? Doesn't she care about us? Is she really a wife, mother, nurse? Is she really a woman?!!! Or has this all been a ruse, a dream sequence? Have we just woken up without her? I am afraid. I don't think I can live without her. Where are you J.Hi?!! Please come back to us, I am begging you!!!!!!
Ok, I need to get a grip and just go out there and find her. I am going to do some investigation today people and I will let you know what I find out. Please say a prayer for me, for her, for all of us.