Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I'd like a peace of goodwill, please

This morning my eyes popped open wide at 5 am and I had my first Christmas anxiety attack. I knew it was coming--happens every year. Christmas was a lot more fun when I was a kid and not just because Santa visited me. My parents (especially my Mom) made Christmas perfect. We had the tree, the decorations, the music, the TV specials, the sugar cookie baking session, and every other detail you can imagine. She made it very special for me and I didn't even realize how great I had it.

Now I am responsible for the Christmas happiness of my children and I don't think I am as good at it as my mom was. It's very stressful. We have only half of our decorations up, the tree still needs to be trimmed, and I still have presents to buy. I always procrastinate on shopping since I hate shopping (well, for other people anyway.) I am baking today because I am in two cookie exchanges. The kitchen looks like a bag of cocaine exploded in it--I am a messy baker. I think I have inhaled more powdered sugar than went on the cookies. Sage's holiday party is Thursday and I have to send in a bottle of olive oil for that. It is an international holiday party--how festive. Then we have Shepard's party on Friday, teachers' gifts to buy, Christmas cards to send, and more baking for gifts--then there's wrapping presents, seeing family, and visiting Santa. Sorry have to go breathe in a bag now.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Bob Loblaw gave me pink eye

To understand that title you would have to be a "South Park" fan and an "Arrested Development" fan. And if you aren't then you are not as cool as I am.
The phlegm has been flying around here since before Thanksgiving. It started with Typhoid Alan then jumped to Shepard and then to me. So I have been suffering for the past week. The doctor gave me some lie about my burning throat and itchy ears being caused by a virus so no drugs for me. I wanted to tell her "Look I know you see a lot of sick people but I am feeling worse than all of them so cure me and do it now. I've got children and a husband to mother." Mothers should get top priority on any curing drugs in my opinion.

That reminds me, have you ever had to whisper scream? Saturday was my worst day and I spent most of it bundled up on the couch trying to fight the infection within. My family takes my unconscious state to mean that it's a 'no rules, no chores and no personal responsibility day.' So when dinner time came along and my husband had not gone to the grocery store like he was supposed to but instead said that he took "me time" on the Xbox, that's when the whisper scream was born. You can still be scary and menacing even when you are sick with no voice to speak of.
Just some advice if you are ever using the whisper scream yourself...To be most effective when using the whisper scream you must A.) Be close to the object of your ire--I mean right up on their shit B.) Use as many curse words as you can string together--and use your pointer finger in a stabbing motion when you say them C.) Threaten bodily harm in a descriptive manner.
Here's an example for you--Step in close and say, "Don't be fucking (finger stab) surprised if you wake up in the middle of the night to find that your balls are stuck in your shitty ass (finger stab) paper shredder being ground up into tiny bits. And while your blood is spurting and you are screaming, I'll be taking some fucking (finger stab) ME TIME (oh, do the fingers in air quotes when you say that) while I play Fable fucking II on the Xbox, you punk ass bitch (finger stab right into his chest.) Then you go back to your sick couch and pretend to sleep but make sure you have a pleasing smile on so it looks like you are dreaming about doing the bodily harm.
And that's how the whisper scream is done.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

The cure for hiccups

I have discovered it! But more on that later.

At the beginning of our four days off I was full of hope and fancy ideas. I imagined quality time with our happy children and a peaceful Thanksgiving with our loving family. Why do I have these silly ideas? Am I high? It started well enough. Wednesday evening Alan and I took the kids to a movie and then spent the rest of the evening cuddling and watching TV in front of the fire. We were in such a good mood we even ended the evening with some boot knockin' and drifted off to sleep with smiles on our faces.

But I awoke at 1:30 am with severe nausea. At first I thought it might have been the popcorn. I have this disorder that causes me to continue eating popcorn until I make myself sick. However, along with the nausea, I also had chills and a headache and surmised that I was suffering from a virus. I was on the border of Vomitland but I fought it. I did not want to revisit that movie popcorn or my taco dinner. I did manage to make it through the night without losing it and was finally able to keep down a nausea pill and a sip of water. The nausea pill had the lovely side effect of making me sleep the whole day. So Alan was left to straighten the house and make the turkey for Thanksgiving.

I woke up about an hour before dinner. Alan was frantic since the turkey had gone into the oven an hour later than he planned and the cleaning had not been completed. I was a bit miffed and left to wonder what he had been doing for the past 8 hours. I also was perplexed as to why our children (or as I call them 'the help') were outside playing when there was work to be done. Do you think I went through 18 months of pregnancy, a C-section and a natural birth so they could have fun when my house needs cleaning?! And Geez Alan, if you can't multitask because you are retarded than at least use your resources! That left weak me to vacuum and dust. So the kids were running wild and Alan and were involved in a snippy snip fest when our 22 guests started to arrive.

The dinner was great and, since everyone brings their signature dish, the food was incredible. We only had two small incidents. There were two family members (one on his side and one on mine) who got mad and went out to sit in their car like silly whiny babies. They did return eventually and the evening was a success. Even Alan and I had made up by the end of the night. However, I told him that I would not be able to have sex with him for a while since the last time we did it I awoke a few hours later with severe nausea. I needed time to work through the trauma.

So this brings me to hiccups. Sunday evening I had a bad case of the hiccups and Alan managed to convince me that having sex would cure them. He made a very good case and I had to know if it was true. I had no sooner agreed to the sex when I realized the hiccups were gone. Just saying yes cured me completely!! I didn't even have to go through with the sex! I thanked Alan for curing me and then turned over and went to sleep. Don't worry, Alan got his the next morning. I am powerless to resist him for long. No, I am serious, I was powerless to resist him. It was really early and I was half asleep.