Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Bob Loblaw gave me pink eye

To understand that title you would have to be a "South Park" fan and an "Arrested Development" fan. And if you aren't then you are not as cool as I am.
The phlegm has been flying around here since before Thanksgiving. It started with Typhoid Alan then jumped to Shepard and then to me. So I have been suffering for the past week. The doctor gave me some lie about my burning throat and itchy ears being caused by a virus so no drugs for me. I wanted to tell her "Look I know you see a lot of sick people but I am feeling worse than all of them so cure me and do it now. I've got children and a husband to mother." Mothers should get top priority on any curing drugs in my opinion.

That reminds me, have you ever had to whisper scream? Saturday was my worst day and I spent most of it bundled up on the couch trying to fight the infection within. My family takes my unconscious state to mean that it's a 'no rules, no chores and no personal responsibility day.' So when dinner time came along and my husband had not gone to the grocery store like he was supposed to but instead said that he took "me time" on the Xbox, that's when the whisper scream was born. You can still be scary and menacing even when you are sick with no voice to speak of.
Just some advice if you are ever using the whisper scream yourself...To be most effective when using the whisper scream you must A.) Be close to the object of your ire--I mean right up on their shit B.) Use as many curse words as you can string together--and use your pointer finger in a stabbing motion when you say them C.) Threaten bodily harm in a descriptive manner.
Here's an example for you--Step in close and say, "Don't be fucking (finger stab) surprised if you wake up in the middle of the night to find that your balls are stuck in your shitty ass (finger stab) paper shredder being ground up into tiny bits. And while your blood is spurting and you are screaming, I'll be taking some fucking (finger stab) ME TIME (oh, do the fingers in air quotes when you say that) while I play Fable fucking II on the Xbox, you punk ass bitch (finger stab right into his chest.) Then you go back to your sick couch and pretend to sleep but make sure you have a pleasing smile on so it looks like you are dreaming about doing the bodily harm.
And that's how the whisper scream is done.


Dr Zibbs said...

Nice. Very Nice.

Knot said...

I would have just laughed at you if you had said that to me. Then gone back and spiked your NyQuil extra hard.


Clippy Mat said...

thanks for the tutorial on the whisper scream.
i have filed that for future reference.
you never know when it will come in handy!