Monday, July 27, 2009

I am...Polka Master!!

Alan will turn 40 in December. However, he wants an outdoor party for his birthday so I am throwing him a "39 and holding" party at the end of August. Yes, you are all invited. Anyway, the planning has already begun because I want it to be SPECTACULAAAARRRRR!! I have been exchanging emails with a few entertainers, one of which happens to be an accordion player. (You have to understand what I am going for with this party; I crave an air of cheesy, but memorable, ridiculocity.) Initially I sent this man a short, polite note inquiring about his rate and availability. This was his reply, "Where, what location?" There was no "hi, how are you, thanks for your interest, yada yada" just "where, what location?" So I wrote him back with the name of my subdivision and where in my city it was located. So here is the reply I got...

"I know where" your subdivision "is located. I just needed to know in town or out-of-town for quote purposes. I've booked 187 engagements this year, to-date; your date of August 29 is currently open on my booking schedule for your starting time frame at 6PM but that could change at any time(I'm playing earlier that same day). If interested, I would suggest you book me now, not later, to be assured the date will remain open on my booking schedule."

I know I shouldn't try to infer tone from an email but he came off a little too big for his frilly britches to me. He included his resume and a picture of himself and then assigned me eight questions that I was supposed to answer and send back. Here's the kicker--he charges $200/hour!!!!!!!! What the hell?! You know in my job I help sick people get well and I don't make one fourth of what this ass clown is asking. I quickly replied that I was still exploring my options and would not be booking him at this time.

Mr. (self-proclaimed) Polka Master wrote back again and said this...

"So you're shopping around? I don't compete with anyone from this area; I play accordion and sing with the best in the entire country, with a lot of charisma, and mix very well with my audience, make them feel comfortable, at home, take requests, etc. If you're looking for someone who is not a true professional with years of entertaining experience, then I'm not your choice. Can't hold your date and time frame without a commitment."

Wow, I have never run across such an uppity accordion player. Here is the email I wanted to write back to him...

Dude, do you realize you play the accordion?! Seriously, are you mental?

Well, I didn't send that email because you never know when you might really need a totally arrogant accordion player. I don't want to burn my bridges. However, I have decided to go with a roving magician/juggler/unicycler who not only sounds fun but was very polite.






7 comments:

Knot said...

I love accordion music. I think all civilizations use the squeeze box for entertainment. I wish my wife would plan a surprise party for me.

Kel said...

well you're a better person than I! I would have told him to take his uppity attitude.. and stick his accordion up his... well, never mind the details - you get the point!

I think it's the 'holier-than-everyone-else' attitude part that I can't stand!! lol

Clippy Mat said...

who is this guy? weird Al? definitely too big for his frilly britches! but you SHOULD book him.
:-))

C said...

ohmygod... what an arrogent! 200 buckaroos an hour? fuck that, hon.... you could get lawrence welk waaaaaaaaaay cheaper and he brings his own tiny bubbles too!
well, if ya cant get a cheesy accordian player, how bout a crusty polka player.... or better yet, square dancers... or line dancers.... make alan wiggle his giggle...

good luck anyhoo....

you crack me up, woman.


c

C said...

i just looked through your son's blog and it is soooooooooo cute and sweet! awwww, J, how cute is that! such a fun, good mommy.


c

melymelm said...

wow. what an ass. i think you should have replied something like "i'll give you $10 per hour. that's my final offer" just to get a classic email back!

Anonymous said...

Jillis, We are so glad you went with the roving magician! (See, I read your blog. :) ). xo, K.