Wednesday, May 06, 2009

One thing leads to another

The green dust has been mucking up my mind, ya'll. The pollen usually doesn't kick my butt this bad. But for the past month I have been a coughing, snotting, couch loving, junk food eating, ass dragging human equivalent of a three-toed sloth. I have tons of thoughts in my head but not motivated to get them out. Until now...

Because of my period of sluggishness, I have packed on a few pounds. My only exercise has been to watch "The Biggest Loser" and feel guilty. But Alan and I know that the dreaded bathing suit season is coming which is the motivation we needed to buy a treadmill and get our fat assess moving again. Alan finally finished putting it together Sunday night while I was at work. He made the grave mistake of leaving the boys alone in the room with it while he went to run their bath. Alan heard a loud crash and then crying. Here's what happened in Shepard's words "I was walking on the treadmill and then Sage put it on speed and I flew off the back." Yes, poor Shepard went flying off the treadmill and crashed into the wall behind him and busted his lip. And was Alan sorry that Shepard got hurt? Well, of course he was but he was more sorry that he didn't get it on tape so he could get it in cash. Later in the week, this conversation was overheard:
Sage "Shepard, I love you."
Shepard "Talk to the hand."

Speaking of exercise motivation...Shepard walked in on me getting out of the shower one morning and said in his sing songy voice, "I see your butt...it's wobbly." After that blow to my ego, Shepard sang, "I see your penis!" I said, "I don't have a penis." Then he asked, "Well, what do you call it?" That did give me pause. I was not sure what to tell him. I didn't want him to call it a 'pookey' which is what I grew up thinking it was called. I told him it was my private area. So then he sang, "I see your private area!" Alan said I should have told him it was my 'Va Jay Jay.' Not sure how that would go over in church preschool.

Speaking of discussing sensitive issues with your kids...Sage is almost 9 and I have been agonizing about what tell him about body/sex issues and when it is appropriate. I decided to start with how babies are born. I came across a show on TLC where they were going to show a woman having C-section. Sage was born via C-section because he was breech so I thought it would be a good way to broach the subject. Sage watched the surgery and said it was gross. But he was very pleased to find out that the first body part he presented to this world was his butt. Then I went on to explain to him how babies were born without surgery. I told him that women had an extra hole down there that was connected to a uterus where the babies grew. When the baby is ready it comes out of that extra hole. Sage thought about it and then said, "Hmmmm, that's like mammals." It was a relief to have that first sensitive talk over with. And imagine my delight when, at my parent's 53rd anniversary dinner last night, Sage used the word 'uterus' in a sentence.

Speaking of sex stuff...I read an article in the paper about some middle school students in my county that got busted for sexting (taking nude pics of them selves and texting it to classmates.) So I told Alan about it and demanded that he sext me right now. He promptly dropped his drawers in the middle of the kitchen. Ok, kind of low tech, but I guess that was fine too. (Picture unavailable
Speaking of not wearing underwear (and Alan wasn't wearing any)...Shepard heard Alan and Sage discussing a Star Wars character named Commander Cody. He started associating this name with the phrase "going commando." So whenever I hear him say "I'm going Cody today" I have to do an underwear check.

Speaking of wearing underwear...This is my favorite underwear picture ever.

4 comments:

Knot said...

Sex talks = age appropriate. Don't tell the 5 year old about the "Deep Stick" position. It's more along the lines of simple anatomy most of the time. Or easily countered with the question, "Why do you ask?"

How did you get that picture of me in my skivvies?

King of New York Hacks said...

I have a great shot of me in Guinnes boxers if you need them for a future underwear blog....just sayin' LOL

C said...

you just crack me up and so do your kiddies! hahahahahaha
i could visualize the whole thing.

such a cute family.

happy mudders day, J.

C

Big Al said...

Knot - I know how you feel about the stolen picture. Every time I walk by Abercrombie & Fitch at the mall I've found they've stolen yet another picture of me and displayed it for all to see.