I have arrived

It doesn't matter if you are woman or man, black or white, straight or gay, fat or thin, rich or poor, liberal or conservative, beautiful or not, Bieber lover or Bieber hater---it can, AND will, happen to you. I know, because it happened to me...

I turned 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck??!!!??!!!!??!!!!!! That's what I said to my mirror the last day I was 39. And then I cried. I was mourning my 30s because they were so good. Probably the best decade of my life. I hope it gets better from here but I just don't know.

Here's what I do know. I know I have to start yearly mammograms. I know that food and drink now have consequences. I know that a good bra is essential. I know that when young men look my way, it's probably because they are looking at a pretty girl behind me. I know that my children will become teenagers in this decade of my life. I know that my opinion of Botox may be changing. I know that I am more afraid to see my parents aging than I am to see myself aging. I know that I am nostalgic for my college years and I will always wish I could relive them. I know that I have started telling "back in my day" stories. I know that my husband both drives me crazy and keeps me sane.

Speaking of Alan...He gave me the best 40th birthday party ever! The theme was "Crossing the border...to 40!!" My college roomies all came from out of town (one even flew in from CA, how cool is that?) It was quite a fiesta--Mexican food, Mexican beer, live music, livestock, mucho fun. I will remember it always.

J.Hi gets a little ass on her birthday.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

My vacation from blogging is over. Today is back to school day! Shepard entered 1st grade and Sage moved up to 5th. They were not completely happy to be going back however, we all needed a little separation--from each other and from me. Wow, the past three weeks were trying. About 2 weeks ago, Alan found a note from Sage in his pocket--folded over and stapled at the top. It was labeled "To Daddy." And when he opened it, this is what he found.

And this is why back to school day is better than Christmas. Why am I always the devil?

The planets are aligned

Alan was out of town from Tuesday through Thursday. His company's national sales meeting was in Las Vegas. He didn't really have time for any fun--or so he would have me believe. ;) Fortunately, he does not have to travel often for his job. I say that because I am such a weenie about him leaving. I worry about him flying and start thinking all kinds of gloom and doom thoughts. Then I worry about being left alone with THEM------->

While he was gone I didn't sleep well at all. For two nights I tossed and turned. Things just were not right in the universe. I had no one to spoon me. It was torture. I was on the verge of calling Dr. Murray to see if he had any spare Propofol. But first I tried turning his pillow sideways to pretend it was him behind me. When I told Alan about it before bed, he made some obscene suggestions of what else the pillow should do to me and then didn't feel right about it. I told the pillow I was a married woman and to stay away from my backside.

Last night my Spoon man was back in position. Sweet manna from heaven! A good night's sleep at last!!

My Sleeping Beauty

Just call me the Disney Nazi. On Magic Kingdom day, I had them all up at 5 a.m. and at the gates of the park by 7 a.m. We had all the most popular ride done by lunchtime. Yay me! So we decided to go back to the hotel for lunch and a nap before going back to the park for the evening. This little video of Shepard I took on the bus going back to the hotel--remember, it was only around noon. I am pretty sure I will cherish this movie forever, especially since Sage comes in at the end to help a brother out.

It's a world of laughter

For Spring Break we took the kids to Florida to visit some good friends and do the Disney thing. Alan and I have good memories of visiting the Magic Kingdom when we were kids and it was very exciting to be able to share that with the boys. Of course, in this day and age, some rides just don't translate, as I found out. One of the most famous rides there is the "It's a small world ride." You are on boat and sailing along as children (well fake puppet children) from all different countries sing:

It's a world of laughter, a world of tears,
It's a world of hope and a world of fears,
There's so much that we share,
that's it's time we're aware,
It's a small world after all.

What a beautiful message!!!! I thought. Check out Sage's opinion of the ride.



Ah, the innocence of youth. Isn't it great?!

Back on the blog wagon

Spring's been full of activity and I cannot wait to catch you up. The first thing that derailed my my blog train was a wedding. My niece asked me if she could have her wedding at my house. I was excited and very honored. It's her 2nd marriage and she did the whole big expensive wedding for her first marriage (which lasted 9 months.) This time she wanted to save the money and keep it small. Of course, drama ensued.

My older sister is a jealous woman and was not happy about the arrangement. She promptly wrote a nasty comment on my Facebook wall since it was obviously my fault that her daughter asked me to be the hostess of the wedding. She said something like, "Well I guess you think you know more than everyone else and you want to be every one's mother. I pretended I didn't know what she was talking and responded, "I am glad you finally realize that I know more than you. What are you talking about, psycho?" **Let me just add here that Facebook has brought family drama to a new level and I love it!!!**

I was determined not to give this up just to appease her. She had her shot with the first wedding. And she has another daughter!! I have two boys so this may be my only shot to ever plan and help with a wedding. It's my time, dammit!!! My sister did back off and the planning went on.

Then my oldest niece (the bride's cousin) got herself kicked out of the wedding party. Two weeks before the wedding she dyed her hair red, got a new tattoo on her wrist and--the straw that made bride niece go all Heidi Klum on her--she pierced her lip. So bride niece was like "You couldn't have waited two weeks?" And inked/pierced niece was like "I'll do what I want." And bride niece was like "You're OUT!!!"

The wedding was wonderful, beautiful, touching--a perfect day. I framed a picture of the couple and had everyone at the reception sign the matte around it for an instant wedding memento. I gasped when I looked down to see what Sage had written, "Good luck this time." My dad about busted a gut laughing and then from the pocket of his suit he pulled out the wedding program from bride niece's first wedding. And it's moments like this that make blogging worthwhile.

Spring excitement--to be continued...

Fire safety gone wrong

Alan and I were shamed into developing a fire escape plan for the house. It's fire safety time in 4th grade and Sage found us out--we hadn't thought about the subject since he was in 1st grade. So we did our duty and gave a wonderful lecture on all aspects of fire safety. With visions of Sage from our fire drill three years ago, I made sure I stressed that they were never to hide during a fire. (First grade Sage was found in a corner of his room hiding under a blanket as the smoke alarm chirped.)

This fire session was going very well. The boys listened attentively and performed splendidly during our fire drill. When Alan turned on the smoke alarm, the boys stuck together, felt the door before entering the hallway, and did a perfect army crawl to our meeting area at the top of the stairs. I was so proud.

After the drill we were giving more helpful tips and answering questions when Sage asked, "Mommy, I know you are not supposed to use an elevator in a fire, but how about in a zombie apocalypse--can we use an elevator then?"

I had to think about that one before I answered "Yes Sage, you may use an elevator in a zombie apocalypse." Then Shepard asked, "Mommy, can we hide under the bed if a zombie comes in our room and he is on fire." I quickly answered, "No Shepard, even if a burning zombie comes in your room, you cannot hide." Then Sage said to Shepard, "Let's go find some household items we can use as weapons when the zombies attack." Off they ran.

And that is how fire safety went horribly wrong.

Domo Arigato

I was sleeping late this morning. Alan and I can do that now that the boys are able to forage food on their own for breakfast. I was all snuggled up with my man when start to hear music. My eye cracks open, confusedly wondering where it was coming from. Then I realize I am hearing Styx singing "Mr. Roboto." I lift my sleepy head from the pillow and see this sight in my doorway.

Am I dreaming? All that's missing is the smoke. Secret, secret, I've got a secret! Then, Sage treated us to a wake up dance including the Robot--with dangling arm and everything. How does he even know that one? I've said it before and I'll say it again...Life is never boring with Sage around.

I'm Kilroy!!!

Blame it on the brain

My son Shepard is 5 years old and as sweet as southern iced tea. He still loves to cuddle, gives me butterfly kisses, often tells me I'm beautiful, and says he wants to live with me forever. When he smiles it feels like sugar plum fairies are dancing on your heart. But you know every Yin has it's Yang. And Shepard's Yang is the worst case of selective hearing on the planet. The boy can tune out anyone and anything. His hearing is not the problem, that's been checked and it's fine. Yes, the 'man gene' is strong in this one. Even my banshee-like shrieking doesn't register to him if Sponge Bob is on. So, this is how he gets into trouble--well, that and the licking. (see post from 2/4/10.)

I was particularly frustrated last week as I was trying to get the boys out of the building after their gymnastics class. Five "Get your coat on!!!" laters, I found Shepard playing with a friend without a coat on. On the ride home I told him "Shepard, you will be grounded tonight because you did not listen to me." The whining immediately started since Shepard hates to be punished. He was determined to get out of it and here is how it went down:

Shepard: I'm sorry I didn't get my coat on, Mommy, but my friend came up and asked me to play and I accidentally said yes.

Me: You accidentally said yes?

Shepard: Yes, it was my brain's fault!!

Me: Your brain?!

Shepard: My brain did it! (Under his breath he says, "Stupid brain.")

Me: Shepard, you and your brain are the same. You are partners.

Shepard: NO, it was my brain that did it, NOT ME!! I'm telling you it was my brain's fault.

Sage chimes in: Ground his brain! Ground his brain!!

Me: (holding my hand over my mouth, trying not to laugh)

Shepard: So, am I still grounded?

Me: Yes, Shepard, you and your brain are grounded.

Shepard: (under his breath again) Stupid brain, you got me in trouble.

At home, Shepard marched down the hallway toward his room like a man walking the plank. His head was hanging low, his brow furrowed yet still emphatic in his 'errant brain' defense.

Can you see it now? "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client is innocent of the charges. His brain might have led him astray, but my client is INNOCENT!!!" 'If it does not fit, you must acquit' was so yesterday. This is the defense of the decade--'My brain made me do it!!

Love bites

Sage found this picture ( <------ ) on my desktop and he ran and told Alan that I was cheating on him. And then he wanted me to go on TV and apologise. Ha!! Thanks, Tiger!

This is vampire Eric from the HBO series "True Blood." I had him on my desktop for a very important topic--Vampires who are on my list. Usually I don't find vampire love very appealing. However, there have been a surge of vampire related shows that have changed my opinion. But even so, I have decided that there are only 3 vampires that I find truly luscious enough that I would cross the 'sex with the undead' line. No, Edward from "Twilight" is not one of them. He is too metro for me. I like my vampires more manly and with less lipstick. But if I was doing a werewolf list, Jacob would definitely be on it. Doggy style indeed, oooohhhh yeah baby.

Coming in at #3 on my list is Armand in "Interview with a Vampire" played by Antonio Bandares. Pre-Melanie Griffith Antonio was HOT and so was the spicy vampire he portrayed. Oh talk Latiny to me, Armand!!

#2 is Angel from the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" series. He's a vampire with a soul--oh so sensitive. He turns evil when you have sex with him so he's not much of a cuddler. I'll risk it.

And my #1 most suckable is vampire Eric from "True Blood." Can't resist the bad boys--especially when they look like this (see below.) Now if Sage had found this picture, I might have really had something to apologise for.

Bite me, baby!

Let the healing begin

For months now I have been living with this pain of betrayal. Everyday living with the reality of what he did to us so carelessly--how he was not the man I needed him to be. But that weight has been lifted, people. Tiger has finally apologized to me. I feel like I can move on now and start living my life again. How about you? Was this apology enough? Do you think now that we can all come together as a nation and start healing?

Yes, I felt he was sincere in his apology. He was definitely sorry that he got caught. Couldn't you see it in his red rimmed eyes and his poignant pauses? I am glad I have closure on this but do you know who I really feel sorry for? Those poor women he was having affairs with--yes, his mistresses. I mean how could anyone think they gave up the goods to him because he is one of the most rich and powerful athletes in the world?! Those women could never have suspected that they weren't the only lady in his life--well, except for his wife. He made them feel special by committing adultery and then they find out he was lying!! Victims, all of them!! I just hope those women get what they deserve.

GaGa Oh la la

I usually don't brag about such things but I had some !Ah-Ma-Zing! sex this past weekend. It was hot--I mean it was yeah, uh huh, oooooooooo, uh, yeah, mmmmmmmm, uh uh UH, Yeah, oh ooooo, mmmm hmmmm, yes, Yes, YEEEEES, mmmmmmm, aaaaahhhhhh HOT!

Sometimes you have to gloat a little, especially when you're married with kids and approaching 40. It was a good Valentine's day. Alan and I don't go all commercial romance like we did in our 20s. Now it's more about alone time...and candy, have to have chocolate. The kids stayed over Mamaw's house for the night and we went out to a quiet dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. After dinner we came home watched a James Bond movie, then sexy time, and bed. I'm still all giggly.

I was lucky to get it at all. Alan and I started a group exercise class with a trainer and we have both been very sore. You know it's bad when the man in the relationship says, "Maybe we should just hold each other."

I am enjoying my training class. I go in the mornings and Alan goes at night. This is the only kind of exercise that works for me--someone telling me 'do this, now do that, now do it again.' It also helps that Trainer John is very cute and muscular--makes me want to work harder to impress him. tee hee

One morning I asked Alan "Do I look ok?" He said, "Are you trying to look cute for that trainer?" I replied, "Of course I am!" He just rolls his eyes at me. But it's true, I do work harder because he's cute. In fact, one day I noticed that Trainer John had a small hole in the seam of his sweat pants right in the crotchital area. When he leaned down to hold my legs for abdominal crunches, I tried to peek each time I crunched up. Very effective.

I told Alan, "Don't worry, it's not like I want to 'get with' Trainer John. He's just like a beautiful piece of art that I want to admire." Or touch, or cuddle with...just a little. tee hee

His spirit has been broken

It took five months but they did it...the bastards broke my 5 year old. He loved school until that day last week when he got off the bus with sad puppy dog eyes and whimpered, "I had a bad day! I got on yellow." The behavior system in class is a stoplight: green--you're good, yellow--you did one bad thing and have been warned, red--UH OH!! Shepard has always been on green. He is my rule follower, my sweet angel. I was very surprised that he ended up on yellow and tried to talk to him about it. He was too embarrassed/upset to tell me what he did so we had to play 20 questions so I could figure it out.

Did you hit someone? No
Kick someone? No
Call someone a bad name? No
Talk when the teacher was talking? No
Say something inappropriate? No

I was running out of bad actions so I asked, "So, was it something you said or something you did with your body?" He replied, "Something I did with my tongue." I was truly stumped and horrified wondering what my 5 year old could have done with his tongue that would get him in trouble. Sage asked him, "Did you lick somebody?" Shepard finally gave up the info, "No, I licked my friend's lunch box. And he went and told on me and then my teacher put me on yellow."

That afternoon I got an email from his teacher that read:

"Please remind Shepard to not put things in his mouth that are not his snack or his lunch.
Shepard really upset another classmate today when he licked the outside of the child's lunchbox.
Thank you!"

I called Alan and this is how it went:

Me: Shepard got on yellow today.

Alan: What?! What happened?

Me: He licked another child's lunch box.

Alan: **Complete silence**

Me: **Hysterical laughter**

Alan: So you're telling me that my son did an Adam Lambert on another child's lunchbox?

Me: Yes, that's what he did

Alan: And he got in trouble for this?

Me: Yes, he got a yellow

Alan: Well, if he wants to be a lunch box licker than that's his right. It's a life style choice. They just need to accept it.

Ok, I get that my child shouldn't lick someone else's lunch box. But is putting him on yellow and sending me an email about it really warranted? I don't really think I need to have a sit down discussion with him about licking lunch boxes. Anyway, it was his first licking offense. But nooooo, she had to go and ruin his love affair with school. Now he doesn't want to go anymore. Here's some advice, Teacher, if it happens again just get in his face and say, "DON'T LICK THINGS!!!" I think he would get the point. Works for me.

Did he-------------------------> just lick a lunchbox?

It's possible.

What'chu talkin' bout, Willis?!

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. It was a rough one, as you can see. Talk about bed head!!!

I have been doing some self improvement work lately which I will get to later. BUT I have to wrap up my thoughts on 2009 and I here are my favorite quotes from the past year.

1. Alan and I were having one of our louder "discussions" when Sage piped up and said, "I need a bag of popcorn, I'm enjoying this!!" That was kind of a mood killer.

2. When talking about Sage, Shepard remarked, "His breath smells like HORRID!"

3. Keeping with the smell theme--Exclaimed Sage,after vomiting in the dentist office, "It smelt of elderberry!!"

4. When Shepard was trying to entice me to come to the bathroom to wipe his butt , "Come on Mommy, I'll buy you new pillows!"

5. My dad was talked into wiping Shepard's butt and said, "I was the one who wiped his butt, then Shepard gets up and washes his hands!"

6. During the big snow we had here, I called my parents and warned my dad not to overdo it on the snow shoveling (he's in his 70s.) I told him I didn't want him to have a heart attack and ruin Christmas. My mom called me later and said, "I've been out there twice and the ASS won't come in."

7. A reoccurring quote from Alan over the year, "You're going to blog this, aren't you?"

8. While reading to the boys one night, I make a mistake that has changed my life. The line read "It's all your fault!" but it came out of my mouth (by accident) as "It's all your fart!" I will never live it down.

The last few have to do with my patience--or lack thereof.

9. In my effort to get out of the door one day I lost it with Sage. In the car I told him I was sorry for yelling but I get stressed out when we have to be somewhere and he is dragging his feet. I said, "It would be great if you could be helpful and not hurtful" to which Sage replied, "I can't make any promises."

10. This is the quote that almost was...In another frustrating session of trying to get out of the door, it was Shepard's turn to drive me crazy--so crazy that I ALMOST said to him, "Shepard, I'm 'bout to put a cap in your ass!" I caught myself just in time and it came out, "Shepard, I'm 'bout to put a cap in your Aaaaaaaaaaa...ummm..." cough

11. While arguing with my most frustrating boy of all (yes, Alan) I screamed, "LIVING WITH YOU MAKES ME WANT TO DIE!!!!" Oh, it was just another way to say I care. ;)

So that's it...2009 wrapped up with a shiny, glittery bow. What'cha got for me 2010? Bring it.

Reflections by J.Hi

What a better way to start a new year than looking back. 2009 may not have been a great year for the country but it was a banner year here in my little piece of heaven. I started the year with a preschooler and ended it with a grade schooler. That was big for me. Even though Shepard loves school and is thriving, he's my baby. I really just want to slap a diaper on his butt, a pacie in his mouth, wrap him in a blankie, and rock. (Cukoo, cukoo!!) If I could only stop time!! I told him, "Shepard, please don't lose your sweetness when you start school." Sage said, "Oh, yes he will lose his sweetness! Just like I did." I replied, "Sage, you were never as sweet as Shepard." And Sage scowled. Alan says I am sometimes too honest--brutally so. I guess I will have to work on that this year if I have a minute.

Aging issues seemed to be a common theme in 2009 (and for the REST OF MY LIFE!) Alan set off in the land of 40 paving the way for me in October. I have found my wrinkles less tolerable lately and picking the grays out is becoming harder to keep up with. I actually considered increasing my fiber intake recently. Now tell me that isn't oldness creeping in. And when my OB suggested I have my Vitamin D level checked it sent me into a deep depression. Old person test. How much longer will it be before I am on 10 medications,worrying about breaking my hip, and blogging about my colon?

Alan and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary. Marriage is a hoot, isn't it? It's like a fun game of how loud can we make each other yell. I can't help it, I'm a yeller like my father before me. (No, not a screamer, that's a subject for another post.) Hey, there's nothing like a good yelling session to cleanse the soul. It keeps things interesting. At first Sage was like "Now, now you two, calm down." But he's evolved even if we haven't. **Stay tuned for the next post of my favorite quotes of 2009**

I started listening to country music. I am ashamed to admit I was a country music scoffer. Yes, I scoffed. I've always liked Charlie Daniels, Kenny Rogers, and Garth Brooks but that's where my country repertoire ended. So one day, I don't know why (maybe I was tired of hearing that "don't trust a ho"song 20 times a day on the pop station), I just turned it to the country station and gave it a try. Well, in about an hour I had given it up. I heard a song about 9/11, a song about yearning to be young, and another one about your kid growing up and I was in tears. I thought "this stuff is too sad for me." But I tried it again the next day and found it very refreshing--some very clever and fun songs. I find it very relatable (ok, my computer tells me relatable is not a word, but if it's not, it should be.) Anyway, I'm all 'hey y'all and yee haw' now and even have Alan wanting to learn how to Boot Scoot. Hell yeah!!

It was an interesting year with the family. In town we have my parents, Alan's parents, my Aunt and her kids, my two sisters, five nieces, 2 great nieces, 2 great nephews, and several baby daddys. I have learned over the years that when it comes to my family, it's more fun to watch from afar than get involved. Though my family is very ummm...colorful, I choose not to blog about them. This is not a soap opera, it's a blog!!

So am I better off for knowing 2009? I would have to say yes. Lots of issues, true, but also lots to celebrate. I am rolling in blessings so I can't complain. Here's to 2010 and hoping for that hangover cure and the pill that takes 30 lbs off instantly!!

Happy Screw Year, Friends!!!!