Thursday, November 19, 2009

Facebook has taken my brain

I've just got nothing right now. I need some time to compose my thoughts so I have some entertainment for you. I discovered this video about a year ago but it still makes me laugh. It's called 'Everyday Normal Guy.' Get out the headphones because it has inappropriate language (my favorite kind.) He does have a part 2 which is good but not as good as the first. And part 3 which, as with most part 3s, sucks. But the first one is just genius.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Lightning can strike twice

I once posted (Waxing Poetic)about a very special person in my life--my deaf Brazilian waxer, Anna Paula. She took very good care of me until last spring. When I called to make my appointment, I found that she had moved away to D.C.--that bitch! How could she?! She didn't even sign goodbye me!

I reluctantly made an appointment with a new girl. I didn't even ask her name--why bother? She wasn't Anna Paula. And not only wasn't she my wonderful deaf Brazilian, but she was terrible. I had the 2nd worst waxing experience of my life. During the waxing she kept making that sucking air sound through her teeth--you know, the sound you hear when you see something really gruesome and you think, "That's got to hurt!" I left with a black and blue crotchital area and a vow to NEVER wax again.

Throughout the summer I tried shaving but that's just not pleasant. The result is itchy, bumpy, sharp stubbleness. (And Brer Rabbit said, "Whatever you do, please don't throw me in that briar patch!!") So when the weather turned, I just gave up and let it go. Until...last week. Alan, while staring at my area, asked, "So, what are you doing with that?" I said, "I'm growing my winter coat. You got a problem with that?" He said, "No, no problem. I was just wondering." Mmmm Hmmmm...just asking. Right.

So I called the spa and made another appointment for a bare bikini (somewhere between a bikini and a full Brazilian.) I also made sure I didn't get the savage who waxed me last. I was still dreading it until I met Skyler, my new waxer. She was sweet, easy to chat with, gentle, and fast. Best of all, she wasn't intimidated by, as Alan called it, my 70's Porn star look. I didn't think it would ever happen again, but it did...I love her. And the sun is once again shining on my hoo-ha, so to speak.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Monday funny

It's Monday and you need a little giggle, so watch this. If you don't think this is funny, then grab the nearest 5 year old to watch it with. You will laugh at them laughing at it. Trust me. I've seen it like 75 times and it never gets old.

Have a weiner day!

Friday, November 06, 2009

Lesson learned

Make no mistake about it, people, parenting is a job. It is a job without monetary benefits, without promotion, and without free perks. If you thought that your life's purpose was to have children, raise children and have those children appreciate the job you did, then you will end up a sad shell of a human being. Unsolicited praise from my kids is very rare and when it does happen, I feel all giddy like a kid on Christmas morning. If there is one thing I have learned as a parent, it is never to look to my kids for any kind of validation of my worth. Here's my most recent example.

I volunteered to bring in a Halloween snack for Shepard's kindergarten class. I decided to go all out--I made bloodshot monster eyeball cupcakes, square pretzels half dipped in chocolate and black and orange sprinkles, and string cheese cut into the shape of a creepy finger with a slice of grape for the fingernail. It took me most of the evening before and the morning of snack day to complete the food. On snack day, I personally delivered the snacks to his class and helped the teacher serve them on carefully chosen Halloween napkins.

That afternoon when Shepard arrived home I asked him, "Shepard, did you like the Halloween snacks I brought to your class?" He replied, "No, it was yucky. I didn't eat it." Shepard is an extremely picky eater and if things look the least bit different he refuses to try it. However, I had worked so hard and I felt really down about it. Alan had a talk with him that evening and told him, "Shepard, you really hurt Mommy's feelings. You should apologize to her."

So the next day, Shepard came up to me, took my hand as he looked me in the eyes, and said, "Mommy, I am sorry your snacks were yucky."

Monday, November 02, 2009

I am a superhero--but you knew that already

It rained here off and on all day on Halloween. But we didn't let that dampen (ha ha) our fun. We got the carving, baking and costuming done for our annual neighborhood party. This year Sage was an evil clown--he worked on his insane laugh for weeks. Shepard was the cutest little cowboy ever. Ah, he is still such an innocent flower. I wonder how long I have until he starts wanting to be a psychotic killer of some sort every year.

Alan and I were superheros this year.

Let me present to you...da da da daaaaahhh...

Captain Roadkill and Wal*Mart Woman!!!

I bought most all of my costume components at Wal*Mart! Can you believe it? I even had one of my neighbors say that I looked hot. Alan agreed and kept wanting to do rude things to Wal*Mart Woman. Man, if I knew dressing trashy would make me this desirable I would have started a long time ago.

Remember kids...

Save money, Live Better.