Friday, December 25, 2009

Friday, December 18, 2009

Word of the day

As a punishment, I made Sage write a report on why it is important to be respectful to your parents. In the report he used the word "obsequious." Although he misspelled it, I was still very impressed my 9 year old was using such a big word. I had to ask him what it meant. A Facebook friend commented 'Come on, UVA grad...isn't obsequious part of your everyday vocabulary?" But I told her "Kids have turned my brain to jello." It's hard to use big words when you are screaming through your clenched teeth at them.

The report came about because we were arguing about a new winter coat he received from his grandparents. He decided he doesn't like it and was giving me a hard time about wearing it--he said it was too warm (it's a winter coat, for crying out loud) and too big (I did have them buy it a little big for growing room.) However, he was crossing the line from acceptable protest to "oh no he didn't" back sassing. So after school I gave him a choice of either going to his room for an hour or writing the report. He chose the report and here it is in it's entirety (because it's a classic):

It is important to be respectful to my parents because they are the ONLY ones I've got. I guess I just get carried away and get mad at you. I won't do it again. I won't do it by going by my new motto: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Sometimes I'm obsecweous and sometimes I'm just like (when you say or read these words say them like a teenager that doesn't care about anything) "what ever!" I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.

P.S. I really don't like the new coat because it makes me look fat. in fact one of my classmates said "Sage is that you? You really let yourself go man." :(

So this teachable moment taught me something as well--I don't know any big words. I need to start learning some for my next argument. Indubitably!!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Tiger update

Did you hear in the news that Tiger is changing his name? Yeah, instead of Tiger he will now be known as Cheetah.

Tiger is putting out a Christmas card this year. On the front it says, "Ho Ho Ho" and when you open it there's another Ho, and another Ho, and another Ho (12 so far, and counting.)


Happy Friday and may your 'putter' or your 'hole in one' get as much action as Tiger this weekend!

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Don't tell...

Can you keep a secret? Here is the birthday present I got for Alan. It's a statue of Alan and I that I had whipped up last week. It's too big for the house so I thought it would be a great lawn ornament. What do you think? I am sure my neighborhood association will adore it, as well as my neighbors.

Don't you just looooooove it? ;)

Happy Birthday!!

Quoth Alan, "I don't feel 40." Well, what does 40 feel like? I won't know until October. But Alan is paving the way because today is his birthday!!! Happy Birthday, my love!

Now Alan, I know you are a little freaked out about turning 40 but you shouldn't worry. You still have your looks (oh so sexy) your health (turn and cough,) your hair (all over the place--ha ha,) a gorgeous wife (who thinks you are the bees knees,) and two beautiful kids to keep you young (or make you old before your time, you decide.) What do you have to worry about? You are living the good life, baby. So, enjoy your birthday because today you are special!! (But tomorrow you are just 40.)

Have fun and don't break a hip!!

Friday, December 04, 2009

I Object!

I am starting a new segment entitled "I Object!" which will be dedicated to things that stick in my craw. So here we go.

I Object! people who whine about having to listen to Christmas music throughout the month of December. It never fails, every year I will hear a handful of people making snide comments like, "Ugh, Christmas music, already?" or "I cannot bear to listen to anymore Christmas music!" That really frosts my boughs of holly.

I happen to love Christmas music! I have around 50 CDs of Christmas music and I usually buy a new CD or two every year. I have a 50 disc changer and I put all the CDs in it and hit random play. I love it! I love hearing different artists sing their take on the classics and I love it when they make up a new song. It makes me happy, ok? (Except that one song about the boy buying shoes for his mom because she's going to meet Jesus for Christmas. Oh how I hate that song. It is one of THE worst songs ever written--right up there with that song that goes..."Daddy please don't, it wasn't his fault, he means so much to me, Daddy please don't, we're gonna get married, just you wait and see." OMG--cough, wretch--blech! Horrid!

What's wrong with you Christmas music haters? What is it that irritates you? Is it the joy? The peace and goodwill? The candy canes and silver lanes? Yeah, I can see how that stuff is soooo annoying. (sarcasm)

I dedicate this video of Christmas favorites to you. Watch's got Santa, trees, lights, decorations, Elvis, an adorable kitten, and polar bears. Polar bears will be burned to a crisp in 10 years so enjoy them now! I think you haters need a big ole Christmas music enema to fill the void where your soul should be.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

I will not be ignored!

What's with all this Tiger Woods stuff? Make no mistake, I do appreciate a juicy little gossip and this story was interesting for about 3 hours. If this happened in my neighborhood, we would be standing around whispering, "Well, all I know is that he just happened to crash his car in his driveway at 2 in the morning...and his wife just happened to be standing by with a golf club. And when the cops showed up, he just happened to have jealous wife markings all over his face. Mmmmm hmmmmm."

We would all keep a close eye on the couple for a little while to see if any more drama ensued, but after a few days of nothing, we would get back to worrying about our own life. I certainly wouldn't be knocking on their door demanding to know what happened. And I definitely wouldn't be trying to access his medical records to release to all the neighbors. Because it is really none of my business!!

I fully support Tiger's right not to say squat about this incident. If the police are going to charge him, then they should get on with it! If he was stepping out on her and if she intended to use the golf club to beat the cheater out of him--well, that's between the two of them, right?

Let me also state that I support Tiger's wife and her methods of keeping her man in check. She's my kind of lady. I firmly believe that every happy marriage needs a hint of psycho-- a touch of irrational rage, a dash of the third-degree, a pinch of stalking, an occasional threat or two (the kind where you both are giggling about it until he catches the look of steel in your eye and he stops with a gulp, wondering 'She's not she?') Men sometimes have a little difficulty with focus so I make sure I keep his eyes on the prize...Me! Alan had a pre-marriage screening of "Fatal Attraction" and he knows (because I remind him) that I abide by the motto "If I can't have you, no one will." I refuse to be one of those women who gets dumped in their 50s after raising the children and keeping the house for her husband all those years. Alan is fully aware that if tries that shit, I am prepared to take him out. (And I don't mean take out as in 'out to dinner.' I mean take out as in 'YOU GO DISCUSS YOUR NEEDS WITH SATAN AND JON GOSSELIN, YOU CHEATING CHEATER--BANG!!') So, if I have to beat the crap out of some bitches along the way or bring the 'Chris Brown' to Alan from time to time, then so be it. I am just fighting for my marriage. I do it because I love him.

If Tiger is cheating or even thinking about it, then I say he deserves a little 9 iron beat down. This woman is the mother of his children and she has put up with him hanging out on the golf course for 80% of his life. Plus look at her...
Would you cheat on that!?! Damn, she's even turning me on!!