Friday, May 23, 2008

Saving our planet one bite at a time

I think we all need to face the fact that our planet is in trouble. I am talking about Global Warming--it's a real bitch and it's coming for you and your children. Al Gore has warned us in his movie 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have never seen this movie and I never will but, factual inconsistencies and digitally created images aside, it brings home an important point about global warming--it's all our fault and it's up to us to fix it or we die.

I have tried to do my part by using compact fluorescent bulbs, giving up the hair spray, and cutting back on my beer, Benadryl, and bikini wax runs. But my efforts seem trite. I've searched my soul on what else I could do to make a larger impact. What could a person like me--a wife, a mother and a nurse--do to give her life meaning? Today I am starting a campaign that I think will really make a difference in reducing the greenhouse gases in our atmosphere and I hope you will all join me in this effort.


That's right, the cows must die to save us all. Do you realize that methane is more potent than CO2 in contributing to greenhouse gasses? Cattle in the U.S. alone emit 5.5 million metric tons of methane per year into the atmosphere. Cow emissions are far more dangerous than all the U.S. SUV emissions combined. I cannot stand idly by while these belching bovines of destruction are polluting our planet. I say we slaughter them and dine upon their flesh.

I am willing to make the sacrifice of eating steak every night (with some fava beans and a nice Chianti) if it means saving Mother Earth. If I have to raid the weapons cache I am amassing under the floor boards of my bed and put a bullet in each cow's brain personally, I will do it. I'll take my message to my family, friends and anyone who can hear me shout from my lawn chair in the front yard. And when I see Al Gore riding by in his limousine or flying overhead in his Lear Jet, I will raise my fists in the air and proudly shout, "We did it, Al!!! We made a difference today!"

After I have taken care of the cows, I will turn my attention to the polar bears. Whose bright idea was it to make them an endangered species?! Has anyone tested their emissions? The polar ice caps are melting at an increased rate and who are the owners of the fat, white butts sitting directly on them? Coincidence?! I don't think so. The polar bears are NOT your friends, people!!

Friday, May 16, 2008

The Key to a Happy Marriage

I admit that I am not good about keeping up with my keys. But the other day it was ridiculous. I had been searching the house--in every dusty corner, under every cushion--for half the day and I was starting to panic. I finally enlisted Alan to help me and he immediately pissed me off with the question he always asks in these situations, "So where is the last place you remember having your keys?" And I responded with the answer I always give, "If I knew that then I would know where they were, wouldn't I?!" Then he told me I need to sit down, clear my mind, and visualize my actions on the previous afternoon. I hate this shit.

Me, "OK, I arrived home with groceries in the trunk. Shepard was with me and I told him to get out of the car and run like a freak to the door because it was pouring rain. I opened the trunk and started to get the bags. Shepard was ringing the doorbell but you didn't open the door for him."

Alan, "I was in the bathroom."

Me, "I don't care. Your child was freezing in the rain."

Alan, "He wasn't freezing, it was 70 degrees."

Me, "That's not the point. You didn't let us in even though I called ahead to let you know I was coming."

Alan, "I had to go to the bathroom."

Me, "You are a grown man. You should have held it."

Alan, "It wouldn't be held. OK, I think we need to do an actual reenactment of the events."

Me, "Are you kidding me?"

Alan, "No, it will help, really. Go out to your car."

So I went out to the car and pretended to get groceries out of the trunk in the rain. I came to the front door and Alan and I reenacted our argument,

Me, "I called you to let you know we were coming! Why didn't you let us in?"

Alan, "I was in the bathroom!"

Me, "So what! Your poor child was standing in the rain and you were just sitting there!!!"

Alan, "WITCH!" Then he said, "Oh, I only thought that at the time."

Me, "ASS! I think I actually said that."

So the reenactment continues. I came in the house loaded with groceries, sniped at Alan and then I remembered something important. As I was passing him in the foyer, Alan said, "So is there anything else in the car?"

Me, "Yeah, the cat litter but I already closed the trunk. Here take my keys and open it."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa HA!!!!! I looked at Alan and he has that 'Oh whoops' look on his face because now I know I didn't lose the keys, but he did! So he went outside to started reenacting his own actions. I just walked straight to the closet and fished my key out of his rain jacket. So as I was beating Alan about the head and neck for making me think I had lost my keys forever, he was laughing. He grabbed me, held me close and said, "You see, that's what our marriage needs--a little role play. It will spice things up. "

Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's Day--a dish best served cold

My Mother's day was fantastic. All of the possible negatives of the weekend turned out to be positives. My fun started on Saturday. I had to work a twelve hour shift--7am to 7pm. Alan called me at work around 10am and moaned, "I'm sick--I am nauseous, I have chills, and my joints are aching." I immediately felt terrible for him and was about to express some sympathetic wishes until....

FLASHBACK: about a week and a half ago I am lying in my bed, sick as crap and receiving little to no sympathy from my husband (See my April 30th post--you know, the day I became a lesbian.) In one of my feverish rantings I seem to recall screeching something at Alan to the effect of "I HOPE YOU GET JUST AS SICK AS I AM ONE DAY AND I WILL BE SURE TO TREAT YOU THE EXACT SAME WAY YOU HAVE TREATED ME!!!!"

My lips curled up in a dreamy half smile. My curse actually worked! I couldn't help but feel a bit satisfied as I said, "Oh honey, sorry you're sick. Good luck with that and I hope the kids aren't too wild. I will see you tonight at about 8pm."

We were not busy at work so it was a very peaceful day. I was able to do some reading and enjoy some girl talk with my co-workers. I also received regular progress reports from Alan--how he had to fix the boys lunch even though he felt like he was going to throw up, how he had to figure out how to keep the boys occupied inside while he took a nap, how they kept coming in his room when he was trying to sleep (saying things like 'Daddy, I'm thirsty', 'Daddy, Sage is annoying me', and 'Daddy, Shepard hit me in my wrong spot!'), how he had to search the neighborhood when Shepard ran off to a neighbor's yard, and how he had to deal with Sage who was misbehaving outside. And I'm still smiling.

So that night, I stood beside our bed looking down at a pale and sickly Alan. I am a vengeful bitch and I am not sorry, so I said it. "Alan, before I go and take over with the kids, I just want you to know that what you experienced today is exactly what I experienced for three days when I was sick and had no help or sympathy. I hope you remember this." He whimpered, "Yes, I will, I am sorry, I will do better next time." Hey, I'm not proud but I can't help it--revenge is fricking SWEET!

Sunday could not have been better. I had to work a half day but when I arrived home Sage and Shepard presented me with a Mother's day sign that they had made. I then climbed into bed wearing one of Alan's shirts and took and long nap curled up next to my poor sick man. The evening was perfect. We all ate pizza and ice cream while watching "Raiders of the Lost Ark." Did I mention I didn't wear a bra the whole night? It was like heaven--truly the best Mother's Day ever.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Happy Birthday, Shepard

Everyday for a month you have woken up and asked me, "Is today my birthday?" I can finally say, "Yes, Shepard. Today is your birthday." And now you have a new question that I will have to answer for the next month, "Am I still 4?"

On May 6th, 2004, Alan and I watched the 'Friends' finale while eating Thai food and then went to bed. I woke at 1 am in heavy labor. At 4 am, Alan asked, "Is there anything I can do for you?" and I responded, "No, I wouldn't want to interrupt your SLEEP!" And then Alan got up. At 5 am, my Dad came and got Sage and at 7 am, we called my midwife. We were at the hospital by 9 and I was 7 cm dilated when I arrived. The pushing started around 12 and after an hour the doctor suggested, "If I just cut you a little..." I said most emphatically, "Just do it!!!" And then at a little after 1 pm on May 7th, Shepard arrived. I am reminded of that moment every time I try to put a shirt on that big melon head of his.

There are so many things I love about Shepard. He is such a cool kid that in moments of weakness (like this morning) I feel like I want more kids if only they could be like him. I love his giggle. I love when he does his goofy voice. I love how he dresses himself without being asked. I love how when Sage is trying to mess with him, he does the 'Shepard smack'-- his little arms starts flying around like a windmill and Sage flees in terror. I love how anytime that isn't now or tomorrow is "last year." I love how he gets such joy from burping or saying the word 'penis.' I love how when he thinks something is cool he says, "That's sweeeeeet!" I love how he wants dessert after breakfast. I love how the moment I finish reading him a book he says, "Read it again!"I love how he cries when he has to come in from playing outside.
I love how he tells me I look pretty even when no one else notices. I love how he can take my breath away like the time we were snuggling and he looked up at me and said, "Mommy, I so love you." I love his beautiful eyes. And most of all I love his smile because when he smiles I see his Dad and I remember the love that got him here.

Monday, May 05, 2008

I don't feel tardy

Friday night I went to see Van Halen in concert. For an old dude, Dave was looking pretty good--some one's been using his Abdominizer. With his pink plaid shirt and his son, Wolfgang, playing by his side, Eddie has lost a lot of the Rock Star appeal. He looked way too Daddyish. He can still jam on that guitar though. Poor Alex was way too 'Weekend at Bernie's' for me.

I really enjoyed it. I don't go to many concerts anymore but when I do I realize how much I love to go to concerts. It is so incredibly energizing. It also brings back some good memories.

Since this post was so entirely lame and in honor of one of my favorite Van Halen songs, I have decided to give an encore to one of my favorite posts of all time.

I hope you lick it!! I'm a screamer for ice cream