Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mama mia!!!!

Mother's Day had its ups and downs. I always have this fantasy of having breakfast served in bed and then being waited on hand and foot for the rest of the day while being showered with love and appreciation. Doesn't usually happen, but they try and that is what counts. I know they love me. How could they not?! Ha!

I have two sister who are 11 and 10 years older than me. They became mothers long before I did. When I was a teen my mom, my sisters and my middle sister's mother-in-law had tradition of going out on Mother's Day for a ladies only brunch. They would give each other funny presents, have some cocktails and laugh together. I was not included since I was not a mother. Their tradition went on a several year hiatus when my sister's mother-in-law passed away.

However, in 2003 my mom decided that the Mother's Day brunch should resume including moi, of course, since now I had Sage. When I heard the news, I had an idea...a wonderful awful idea. I begged my mom to let me plan the brunch and with a slight hesitation she agreed. She likes to be actively involved in planning so it was hard to let the newbie take over. I also decided to keep the venue a secret. I had to keep it a secret because I didn't want anyone to chicken out or rain on my parade. You see, I decided to take them to a Drag Show brunch at a gay bar downtown.

Mother's Day morning arrived and they were still in the dark. Besides myself, the group consisted of my Mom, my two sisters, and my Mother-in-law. As we were waiting in line to go into the bar, my sister sidled up to me and pointed at the hostess. (Picture if you will King Kong Bundy in yellow chiffon with a blond wig) My sister whispered to me, "I think that hostess is a man!" My hand flew to my chest and I gasped, "Really?! You think so?" Inside I am laughing my ass off.

The brunch was a big hit. I was the hero of the day. My mom said it was the "best Mother's Day ever!!" And that is my best Mother's Day memory.

Brunch: $20

Drinks: $12

My mom with man boobies in her face: Priceless

Monday, May 11, 2009

My parents never loved me

And here's the proof...

What kind of a messed up 5th birthday present is that?!! I cannot believe my parents seriously did this to me. Come on!!!

My baby turned 5 on Thursday and in September will be entering kindergarten. This has been a tough one for me. But he is excited and oh so ready for the next step. He has grown up way too quickly--a result of having an older brother I am sure. Instead of watching Diego he watches 'iCarly' and 'Drake and Josh.' Instead of playing innocently with blocks or cars, he is out having epic Nerf gun battles with the boys in the 'hood. The birthdays are tough---Imagine something that you own completely but every year you have to give up a little more ownership, a little more control. It's like giving up a little piece of myself. I am excited for them but scared too. I fear change!!!!

I wish things could stay the way they are right now. Because now seems kind of perfect.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

One thing leads to another

The green dust has been mucking up my mind, ya'll. The pollen usually doesn't kick my butt this bad. But for the past month I have been a coughing, snotting, couch loving, junk food eating, ass dragging human equivalent of a three-toed sloth. I have tons of thoughts in my head but not motivated to get them out. Until now...

Because of my period of sluggishness, I have packed on a few pounds. My only exercise has been to watch "The Biggest Loser" and feel guilty. But Alan and I know that the dreaded bathing suit season is coming which is the motivation we needed to buy a treadmill and get our fat assess moving again. Alan finally finished putting it together Sunday night while I was at work. He made the grave mistake of leaving the boys alone in the room with it while he went to run their bath. Alan heard a loud crash and then crying. Here's what happened in Shepard's words "I was walking on the treadmill and then Sage put it on speed and I flew off the back." Yes, poor Shepard went flying off the treadmill and crashed into the wall behind him and busted his lip. And was Alan sorry that Shepard got hurt? Well, of course he was but he was more sorry that he didn't get it on tape so he could get it in cash. Later in the week, this conversation was overheard:
Sage "Shepard, I love you."
Shepard "Talk to the hand."

Speaking of exercise motivation...Shepard walked in on me getting out of the shower one morning and said in his sing songy voice, "I see your butt...it's wobbly." After that blow to my ego, Shepard sang, "I see your penis!" I said, "I don't have a penis." Then he asked, "Well, what do you call it?" That did give me pause. I was not sure what to tell him. I didn't want him to call it a 'pookey' which is what I grew up thinking it was called. I told him it was my private area. So then he sang, "I see your private area!" Alan said I should have told him it was my 'Va Jay Jay.' Not sure how that would go over in church preschool.

Speaking of discussing sensitive issues with your kids...Sage is almost 9 and I have been agonizing about what tell him about body/sex issues and when it is appropriate. I decided to start with how babies are born. I came across a show on TLC where they were going to show a woman having C-section. Sage was born via C-section because he was breech so I thought it would be a good way to broach the subject. Sage watched the surgery and said it was gross. But he was very pleased to find out that the first body part he presented to this world was his butt. Then I went on to explain to him how babies were born without surgery. I told him that women had an extra hole down there that was connected to a uterus where the babies grew. When the baby is ready it comes out of that extra hole. Sage thought about it and then said, "Hmmmm, that's like mammals." It was a relief to have that first sensitive talk over with. And imagine my delight when, at my parent's 53rd anniversary dinner last night, Sage used the word 'uterus' in a sentence.

Speaking of sex stuff...I read an article in the paper about some middle school students in my county that got busted for sexting (taking nude pics of them selves and texting it to classmates.) So I told Alan about it and demanded that he sext me right now. He promptly dropped his drawers in the middle of the kitchen. Ok, kind of low tech, but I guess that was fine too. (Picture unavailable
Speaking of not wearing underwear (and Alan wasn't wearing any)...Shepard heard Alan and Sage discussing a Star Wars character named Commander Cody. He started associating this name with the phrase "going commando." So whenever I hear him say "I'm going Cody today" I have to do an underwear check.

Speaking of wearing underwear...This is my favorite underwear picture ever.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Swine Flu, my ass!

Did you hear that they renamed the Swine Flu? It's now H1N1 virus. Is it me or does that make you want to call it the Heiny Flu? Ass lovers everywhere will now be afraid for their lives. Do you love ass? Oh you do?! Well the Heiny Flu is coming for you. I hope they will be distributing some ass masks for protection. Since it is a combo of pig, bird and human germs, why don't they call it the "You will get this flu when pigs fly"virus. That would be catchy. Or how about the "You couldn't have just stayed home and drank your tequila!" flu. All good options.

I am a little surprised at all the panicking going on about this thing. I have heard so many conspiracy theories surrounding the virus I am starting to think it should be called the "Panic and wring your hand about the flu but don't pay attention to what we are doing over here" flu. And did you hear that the Egyptians ordered the slaughter of like 300,000 pigs? Crazy! Where is PETA when you need them. Shouldn't they be protesting in the streets of Cairo, stripping down and doing their nude commercials, holding up signs of bacon?! Mmmmmm, baaaaacooooon. Hey Egypt, that's a lot of freaking pork products you have on your hands there. I am willing to help you out. Just send all the bacon to me!! Thanks, Egypt.