Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The art of killing the mood:Chapter 1

The boys were downstairs watching Star Wars: Episode III. Alan and I were upstairs alone in our room. As Alan was rounding 3rd base and going for the home run, we heard Shepard yelling, "MOMMY!" Alan cracked the door and answered, "Yes Shepard, what's going on?" Shepard, "I am wiping myself!!" Alan replied, "Great, you do that" as he is closing the door. But stopped when he heard Shepard yell, "Come down here now!" Alan asked, "Why?!" Shepard, "There is still poop in my butt."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Pandora's got herself a big brown beaver

Pandora is our cat. She is a rather large girl--Alan calls her "Kitty the Hutt" but she was our first baby and we love her. But it is not always easy to love her because she's a raging queen diva bitch at times. She is very affectionate to Alan and I but if anyone else tries to pet her she will give them a vicious hiss and sometimes a smack. She doesn't scratch them though, she's a lady.

Pandora also does not like her brother, Diablo, very much. We took Diablo in when Pandora was two. We thought she would like the company but we were wrong. She was PISSED and wouldn't have anything to do with us for about 6 months. Even after nine years of having him around she still growls at him and smacks him a good one whenever he gets too close to her majesty. She has never taken to the kids much either. When Sage was little and she hissed at him he would cry. It really hurt his feelings. Shepard, however, just hisses back and laughs at her.

One of our favorite things to do is tease the kids with her. If they keep jumping in our bed at night instead of staying in their bed, Alan will pick her up and tell the kids, "Here comes Pandora to cuddle up with you." And the kids run screaming. Or if they are bugging the crap out of me about wanting a cookie, I will say, "Sure you can have a cookie, but you have to kiss Pandora first." Hee hee, I love that one. Hey, what good are kids if you can't amuse yourself by tormenting them? Shepard actually did kiss her once and he didn't even lose an eye. He must have really wanted that cookie.

Yes, there are advantages to having Pandora around. BUT, and when I say 'but' I mean BUTT, here's the biggest drawback to our portly pussy. She leaves track marks on carpet. I have written about this before in one of my old posts entitled Pussy Problems. Check it out because that post has one of my favorite and most hilarious pictures of Alan in it. The gist of it is this--she is too large to clean herself properly and so she drags her butt along the carpet and leaves us the evidence.

Can you see them? It's kind of hard with our carpet, but try,ok? Squint, close one eye, cross your eyes, drink a beer, whatever. Just look closely--any vertical lines you see should not be there. I can count at least 6. That's Pandora's butt trail--aka shit. They're more impressive in person.

We try to manage this problem by washing and shaving the kitty booty. Then the vet tells me that we also need to bring her in regularly to have her anal glands expressed. Ex-Queef-Me?! Why the hell do cats have anal glands and are they really necessary? Do they serve any purpose than just to make me retch? Can't they be removed? I had all these questions and nowhere to turn until I found The Anal Sac web page. Thank God for it because it answered all my questions. Yes, they can be removed--an anal sacculectomy--but I probably cannot afford that. I also cannot afford to take her to the vet every couple of weeks for this procedure. So I informed Alan that it would be up to him to learn how to express Pandora's anal glands. He scowled at me and said, "You just want to watch me do it so you can point and cheer." Oh, that man knows me so well.

What do you think...separated at birth???

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Commando or no?

This past winter Sage went through a 'Bounty Hunter' stage. Alan was reading Sage a series of Star Wars books about Boba Fett. Remember him? He was the bounty hunter hired by Jabba the Hutt to capture Han Solo in Episode IV and then was eaten by the Sarlacc in "Return of the Jedi." Yes, when you live with a geek you can't help but absorb some of the geekiness.

Sage came up with his own bounty hunter costume and he would roam the neighborhood in search of people to capture. And whatever Sage does, Shepard does too. Apparently bounty hunters wear masks that only show their eyes and Sage did not have such a mask. So he improvised.

Yep, that's underwear on their heads. Although I applaud his creativity I did wonder what the neighbors thought of me with my boys running around peeking out the hole of their undies. "Son, you got a panty on your head." Quick, do you know what movie that's from? First one who names it will be the winner of the day. And no Google cheating!

Fortunately, none of the neighbors really noticed except for the 10 year old girl who lives two doors down. I overheard her say, "Sage, you left your underwear in my yard again." Ha, I might not hear that again until he's 16.

Shepard felt quite a bond with Sage during this time. He said to me, "When Sage wears underwear on his head, he's my best friend."

It's been many months since Sage has donned his bounty hunter apparel. But recently, while I was on underwear patrol (I have to monitor the boys to make sure they are wearing underwear because they often forget and since they also forget to zip up their fly, it's an important job) I handed Sage some underwear to put on. He said, "Mommy, these are the underwear I wear on my head!" I said, "I thought you didn't do that anymore." He said, "Oh, I do that in the winter. It's too hot now." So wearing your drawers on your head is seasonal. I did not know that!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

What the funk?!

All two of my readers may have noticed that I have not posted for quite some time. Well, you can blame my children for that, I sure do. I was experiencing a severe 'Summer Funk' brought on by spending way too much time in close proximity to my children. They have doused my creative flame. At the end of the day I have barely had the energy to lift the cocktail to my lips let alone put coherent thoughts in a post. I am spending my days acting as the cruise director for two tough customers. If I try to sit and have a minute at the computer I get, "Mommy, can you set the pool up?...Mommy, can you make me a snow cone?...Mommy, can you come wipe me?...Mommy, can we go outside?...Mommy, can you make me a snack? Mommy, can I watch a show? Mommy, you fill my water gun? Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!!"

It's not just the constant requests that have sapped my creative spark, it's the whining--I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm bored, I'm hot, I'm cold, my feet hurt, my head hurts, my butt itches, he hit me, he's looking at me, he's copying me, he touched my legos, he's annoying me, I don't want to go there, I don't want to walk, why can't you buy it for me, YOU'RE MEAN!!

And finally there's the housework. I feel like I do nothing but pick up after them, do dishes, do laundry, and clean up the yard. I try and enlist their help but sometimes I just cannot stand any more whining. So I do it myself while plotting ways I will get back at them when they are teenagers.

After weeks of this, my summer funk turned in to an all out depression. I was convinced my children were the spawns of Satan, my life was the suckiest suckfest that ever sucked from the teat of the Queen of Suckdom AND it was all Alan's fault. Alan recognized that I was about to go all Oprah on his ass--the weeping, the constant need to talk about my feelings, and the never ending and fruitless search for my spirit. So he said, "Let's go away together--alone."

So we just returned from a lovely and relaxing long weekend in Charleston, SC. We slept late, we shopped, we ate amazing food, we drank great wine, we walked hand in hand, and we took naps. It was wonderful and just what I needed--a little separation from the kids does wonders for my attitude. I am feeling better and more patient now and am hoping this little venture will sustain me until school starts again.

That's right, I'm back!! Are you scared? I will now bust out a little rhyme to celebrate. (Lyrics borrowed from a great poet and my personal Red Neck Fantasy, Kid Rock)

J.Hi is back in original form
The legible, credible, inevitable storm
Way past the norm still misbehavin'
Finger in the air and the flag still wavin'

Happy Anniversary, Alan! Thanks for your love, friendship, support, and 14 years worth of amazing Os. Kisses!