The art of killing the mood: Chapter 2

As the rain of Hanna poured outside, Alan and I were snuggled up in the bed starting a little storm of our own. Apparently hurricanes turn Alan on. Actually, so do blizzards, heat waves, partly sunny days, partly cloudy days, isolated showers, and scattered showers. And don't even get me started on areas of high pressure. Weather, all weather turns him on.

As Hanna raged outside (or whimpered really--I've seen thunderstorms worse than you, Hanna!) the mood inside was serene and sexy UNTIL...Knock, knock, knock.

Sage calls, "Mommy, Daddy!"

Alan said, "Yes, Sage. What do you need?"

Sage, "Shepard said God!"

Alan, "Well, please tell him to say Gosh or Goodness."

Sage, "Ok"

Dang, foiled by the Ten Commandments! Didn't see that one coming.

And then there were none

Shepard started his last year of preschool today. He loves school and was ready to go. Last week we went to meet his teacher and he became totally outdone with me because I wouldn't leave. He said, "Just leave me, Mommy." I told him, "Shepard, I can't leave you. We are only here to meet your teacher." Shepard, "Go, Mommy!" Separation anxiety, what's that? Never really experienced that with Shepard. Not only was he born with a tremendous head, but also born with an adventurous spirit and fierce independent streak.

I will never forget when he was almost two years old. I was doing chores around the house one day when the door bell rang. I opened the front door to reveal my neighbor from across the cul-de-sac who was holding Shepard. I was shocked and embarrassed since I had not even realized that Shepard was not in the house.

The morning started with a tantrum. Shepard has very specific ideas about fashion and it goes like this: Whatever Mommy picks out is absolutely unacceptable. He will not wear khaki pants (actually he will wear khaki shorts but not long pants.) T-shirts are his shirt of choice and he refuses to wear any shirt that has buttons. If I say "Shepard, I have a shirt for you to put on." He replies suspiciously, "Does it have buttons?" I also like to use that as a threat. "Shepard, you better start behaving or I will make you wear a shirt with buttons." And then he wails, "Noooooooo, not buttons!"

So back to the tantrum...I made a deal with him that I would choose the first day of school outfit but after that he could pick his outfits. Well, he was not pleased with my choice. He said that everyone would laugh at him.

What is it with kids today? I once wore a shirt to MIDDLE school that had Popeye the Sailor Man on it just because I didn't want to hurt my mom's feelings. It's true, I had to wear my winter coat all day to save myself the embarrassment. And in one careless moment the coat slipped open and this bratty fat kid with braces saw it. And yes, he laughed at me, AND pointed, no less. But I sacrificed a little (ok, a lot) of pride just for my mom. But will my boys do that for me?! Of course not. His shirt was not that bad. At least it wasn't Popeye.

I made him wear the shirt anyway because WE HAD A DEAL! He cried for about 20 minutes--through getting dressed, teeth and hair brushing. He cried all the way down to the breakfast table and he almost broke me. I was about to give in when he suddenly stopped crying and said in a mopey voice, "Ok, I'll wear it." Then he was all smiles for the rest of the morning. And there was peace on Earth.

Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last

School supplies in hand, Sage climbed on the big yellow cheese today and started 3rd grade. I love Sage so much, I really do. But I think I love him more during the school year than during the summer. You know, too much of a good thing and all. This morning he popped right up when I woke him and gave me no trouble. I expect the meltdown tomorrow when the new 3rd grade smell wears off.


So here is my little man who asked me if he could walk to the bus stop by himself this year. When I said no that one of his parents would be walking with him, he whined, "But it is so embarrassing!!"


Isn't he handsome with his new Clone Wars lunchbox?


When all the kids were kissed and loaded and the bus pulled away the parents let out whoops of delight. Well it was really the moms, the dads just looked clueless. But don't they always?!

The art of killing the mood:Chapter 1

The boys were downstairs watching Star Wars: Episode III. Alan and I were upstairs alone in our room. As Alan was rounding 3rd base and going for the home run, we heard Shepard yelling, "MOMMY!" Alan cracked the door and answered, "Yes Shepard, what's going on?" Shepard, "I am wiping myself!!" Alan replied, "Great, you do that" as he is closing the door. But stopped when he heard Shepard yell, "Come down here now!" Alan asked, "Why?!" Shepard, "There is still poop in my butt."

Pandora's got herself a big brown beaver

Pandora is our cat. She is a rather large girl--Alan calls her "Kitty the Hutt" but she was our first baby and we love her. But it is not always easy to love her because she's a raging queen diva bitch at times. She is very affectionate to Alan and I but if anyone else tries to pet her she will give them a vicious hiss and sometimes a smack. She doesn't scratch them though, she's a lady.

Pandora also does not like her brother, Diablo, very much. We took Diablo in when Pandora was two. We thought she would like the company but we were wrong. She was PISSED and wouldn't have anything to do with us for about 6 months. Even after nine years of having him around she still growls at him and smacks him a good one whenever he gets too close to her majesty. She has never taken to the kids much either. When Sage was little and she hissed at him he would cry. It really hurt his feelings. Shepard, however, just hisses back and laughs at her.

One of our favorite things to do is tease the kids with her. If they keep jumping in our bed at night instead of staying in their bed, Alan will pick her up and tell the kids, "Here comes Pandora to cuddle up with you." And the kids run screaming. Or if they are bugging the crap out of me about wanting a cookie, I will say, "Sure you can have a cookie, but you have to kiss Pandora first." Hee hee, I love that one. Hey, what good are kids if you can't amuse yourself by tormenting them? Shepard actually did kiss her once and he didn't even lose an eye. He must have really wanted that cookie.

Yes, there are advantages to having Pandora around. BUT, and when I say 'but' I mean BUTT, here's the biggest drawback to our portly pussy. She leaves track marks on carpet. I have written about this before in one of my old posts entitled Pussy Problems. Check it out because that post has one of my favorite and most hilarious pictures of Alan in it. The gist of it is this--she is too large to clean herself properly and so she drags her butt along the carpet and leaves us the evidence.


Can you see them? It's kind of hard with our carpet, but try,ok? Squint, close one eye, cross your eyes, drink a beer, whatever. Just look closely--any vertical lines you see should not be there. I can count at least 6. That's Pandora's butt trail--aka shit. They're more impressive in person.


We try to manage this problem by washing and shaving the kitty booty. Then the vet tells me that we also need to bring her in regularly to have her anal glands expressed. Ex-Queef-Me?! Why the hell do cats have anal glands and are they really necessary? Do they serve any purpose than just to make me retch? Can't they be removed? I had all these questions and nowhere to turn until I found The Anal Sac web page. Thank God for it because it answered all my questions. Yes, they can be removed--an anal sacculectomy--but I probably cannot afford that. I also cannot afford to take her to the vet every couple of weeks for this procedure. So I informed Alan that it would be up to him to learn how to express Pandora's anal glands. He scowled at me and said, "You just want to watch me do it so you can point and cheer." Oh, that man knows me so well.

What do you think...separated at birth???

Commando or no?

This past winter Sage went through a 'Bounty Hunter' stage. Alan was reading Sage a series of Star Wars books about Boba Fett. Remember him? He was the bounty hunter hired by Jabba the Hutt to capture Han Solo in Episode IV and then was eaten by the Sarlacc in "Return of the Jedi." Yes, when you live with a geek you can't help but absorb some of the geekiness.

Sage came up with his own bounty hunter costume and he would roam the neighborhood in search of people to capture. And whatever Sage does, Shepard does too. Apparently bounty hunters wear masks that only show their eyes and Sage did not have such a mask. So he improvised.

Yep, that's underwear on their heads. Although I applaud his creativity I did wonder what the neighbors thought of me with my boys running around peeking out the hole of their undies. "Son, you got a panty on your head." Quick, do you know what movie that's from? First one who names it will be the winner of the day. And no Google cheating!

Fortunately, none of the neighbors really noticed except for the 10 year old girl who lives two doors down. I overheard her say, "Sage, you left your underwear in my yard again." Ha, I might not hear that again until he's 16.


Shepard felt quite a bond with Sage during this time. He said to me, "When Sage wears underwear on his head, he's my best friend."

It's been many months since Sage has donned his bounty hunter apparel. But recently, while I was on underwear patrol (I have to monitor the boys to make sure they are wearing underwear because they often forget and since they also forget to zip up their fly, it's an important job) I handed Sage some underwear to put on. He said, "Mommy, these are the underwear I wear on my head!" I said, "I thought you didn't do that anymore." He said, "Oh, I do that in the winter. It's too hot now." So wearing your drawers on your head is seasonal. I did not know that!

What the funk?!

All two of my readers may have noticed that I have not posted for quite some time. Well, you can blame my children for that, I sure do. I was experiencing a severe 'Summer Funk' brought on by spending way too much time in close proximity to my children. They have doused my creative flame. At the end of the day I have barely had the energy to lift the cocktail to my lips let alone put coherent thoughts in a post. I am spending my days acting as the cruise director for two tough customers. If I try to sit and have a minute at the computer I get, "Mommy, can you set the pool up?...Mommy, can you make me a snow cone?...Mommy, can you come wipe me?...Mommy, can we go outside?...Mommy, can you make me a snack? Mommy, can I watch a show? Mommy, you fill my water gun? Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!!"

It's not just the constant requests that have sapped my creative spark, it's the whining--I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm bored, I'm hot, I'm cold, my feet hurt, my head hurts, my butt itches, he hit me, he's looking at me, he's copying me, he touched my legos, he's annoying me, I don't want to go there, I don't want to walk, why can't you buy it for me, YOU'RE MEAN!!

And finally there's the housework. I feel like I do nothing but pick up after them, do dishes, do laundry, and clean up the yard. I try and enlist their help but sometimes I just cannot stand any more whining. So I do it myself while plotting ways I will get back at them when they are teenagers.

After weeks of this, my summer funk turned in to an all out depression. I was convinced my children were the spawns of Satan, my life was the suckiest suckfest that ever sucked from the teat of the Queen of Suckdom AND it was all Alan's fault. Alan recognized that I was about to go all Oprah on his ass--the weeping, the constant need to talk about my feelings, and the never ending and fruitless search for my spirit. So he said, "Let's go away together--alone."

So we just returned from a lovely and relaxing long weekend in Charleston, SC. We slept late, we shopped, we ate amazing food, we drank great wine, we walked hand in hand, and we took naps. It was wonderful and just what I needed--a little separation from the kids does wonders for my attitude. I am feeling better and more patient now and am hoping this little venture will sustain me until school starts again.

That's right, I'm back!! Are you scared? I will now bust out a little rhyme to celebrate. (Lyrics borrowed from a great poet and my personal Red Neck Fantasy, Kid Rock)

J.Hi is back in original form
The legible, credible, inevitable storm
Way past the norm still misbehavin'
Finger in the air and the flag still wavin'


Happy Anniversary, Alan! Thanks for your love, friendship, support, and 14 years worth of amazing Os. Kisses!

Waxing poetic

I am in love with my new waxer. Her name is Anna Paula and she is Brazilian. Not only is she a true Brazilian giving me my Brazilian, but she is also deaf!!! Isn't that SCH-weet?! She cannot hear my screams AND I don't have to make idle chit chat while my coochie is being savaged. She is my perfect ten of hoo-ha strippers.

Actually, I didn't scream at all because she was so good. I did whimper once or twice but she couldn't hear those either! She gave me exactly what I wanted and didn't annoy me by asking if I wanted a lightning bolt or a heart waxed on the front. Honestly, who does that? At the end she gave me a thumbs up which I took to mean that my special area was one of the best she had ever seen.

I wrote a Haiku about her and here it is:

This crotch is happy
You are gentle and silent
My Anna Paula

Preemptive strike

A while back I made a stupid promise that if I didn't lose 20 pounds by the end of June then I would post a bathing suit picture on my blog. Well, I already know I will not make my goal of 20 pounds. However, I am very proud of what I have done. I have lost 10 pounds, many inches and one chin. I look better in pictures which was my main goal. So I am happy with my progress and my body. I am going to continue my weight loss efforts and maybe someday I will reach my 20 pound goal. However, I am prepared to face the music and do what I promised. So here it is.... Huh?!

Well, since I am in handcuffs and spreading them, I won't be able to post that picture. Oh well, sucks to be you. Got to go, I think I am about to be tazed. Be gentle, officer!

Me so hungry

I have been married to Alan for almost 14 years and I have noticed that he still gets hungry pretty often. Not that he shouldn't because I can serve up some pretty good food. But you would think that after such a long time that he wouldn't be as hungry as he used to be. Not so. In fact, sometimes he gets so hungry that he cannot think straight and he gets a dazed look in his eyes like he is under some kind of hungry spell. There is nothing I can do to snap him out of it but give him a good meal.

I think it is true that women just don't get hungry as often as men. Or maybe it's just because we cannot compartmentalize our life like men do. We get so caught up in the tasks at hand or what's coming up that we often don't think about food. I admit that at times I feel like eating is just a burden, just another thing I have to do. Sometimes I don't feel like I have the time to build up a good appetite because Alan always gets hungry first. When Alan gets hungry I usually feel one of two ways. Either "I am NOT hungry at all so stop waving your food in my face and leave me alone so I can watch 'Top Chef' in peace" or I agree to eat even though I don't feel that hungry. The funny part is that once I start nibbling, I realize "Wow, I really was hungry" and I enjoy the meal.

Some women are all about the appetizers, but not me. When I start eating I just want to go right to the main course because that's my favorite part. Alan seems to enjoy the appetizers because he likes a long, relaxed meal. I tend to favor the quick and dirty meals.

Now don't think I never get hungry, because I do. Every so often when the planets are aligned I get completely ravenous, I'm talking a fierce hunger. These are the times that I can empathize with Alan. But that's the great thing about men--they can eat most anytime and most anywhere. So Alan is always willing to serve up a great meal for me and he is an amazing chef.

Writing this post has made me hungry. I called Alan at work and asked "What time are you coming home?" He said, "I'll leave in an hour or an hour and a half. Why?" I said, "Because I am hungry." Alan, "I'm leaving right now."

Mmmmmmm.....good eats!

An itchy chigger finger

This past weekend was an adventure. To celebrate the end of school for the summer, we whisked the boys away for a few days in the mountains. We stayed at a little cabin secluded in the woods complete with a babbling creek running right next to us. I am serious it actually babbled. The cabin was quite rustic and, when I say rustic, I mean without an Internet connection. I spent all weekend without the Internet, without a cell phone signal, AND without a dishwasher! No, I am not relating a nightmare I had--it actually happened.

I have never felt the need to be one with nature. Growing up I was not really exposed to to the outdoors. I've never been camping in my life. My parents were beach people, not campers. I was a Girl Scout but all I remember from that time is learning how to make a Betty Crocker box cake or fashioning lovely Christmas ornaments out of Popsicle sticks and glitter. I am not opposed to the outdoors. I love looking out of the window at it. And I love sitting on my deck sipping a frosty beverage, smelling the flowers, and watching the fireflies light up the night. But experiencing it up close and personal just doesn't come natural for me.

However, I have two boys. And because I have boys I feel a responsibility to give them an appreciation of the outdoors. I would love for them to hike and fish and explore like boys should do. So I am trying my best for them but, like I said, it doesn't come naturally. I am working my way up to full blown camping so I thought a weekend in a cabin would be a good start, to ease me into it.

It's true we did not have Internet, cell phone service or a dishwasher, but our cabin wasn't totally barbaric. We had beds, a kitchen, and a small TV with a DVD player. We cooked most of our food on the grill outside and had S'mores over the campfire. It's still not my favortie thing but it was quite peaceful and wonderful at times. And I will share what I observed...

--Maybe it's just me, or because I am an 80's child, but when I am in a secluded spot in the woods, I always look around to plot my escape route in case an insane killer wearing a freakish mask comes to kill me.

--Marshmallows are disgusting in any form.

--As a girl, if I were to explore a creek, I would hop from rock to rock, being ever so careful not to get my shoes wet or fall in. Boys are not like that. Note to self, bring more clothes next time.

--I hate bugs and they know it. I am outside trying to enjoy myself and they keeping touching me and forcing me to run screaming while flapping my arms "Leave me alone! Stop touching me! I'll kill you, you fuckers!! I will. Where's the Raid?! Some Bugger Fuckers are going to die tonight!"

--I don't know what the hell a chigger is or what it looks like, but I am absolutely sure one has taken over the 3rd toe on my left foot. It freaking itches a lot! And I think my toe is even moving by itself. There, it just twitched. I am so screwed.

--If you allow your boys to run around naked in a rainstorm, that will be the first thing they tell their grandparents about the trip. And, if they were running naked in a rainstorm because they were copying one of their parents (who was not me,) that will be the second thing they tell their grandparents.

**Interesting side note about the rainstorm...After the running naked episode, we all decided to watch the movie "Sky High." This lead to an interesting discussion about what our preferred super power would be if we could choose. Shepard chose super speed and throwing fire bombs, Sage picked shape shifting, I picked flying and getting people to do what I ask them the first time I ask them, and Alan picked X-ray vision (probably because of the boobies) and super strength. Though Sage decided that Alan's power should be super fart. HA!!


I think the most important thing I learned is when you are roughing it make sure you bring alcohol, and plenty of it!

Here I am enjoying nature and a beer. As you can see, I am not straying far from the citronella candle.

F-ing bugs!

Riddle me this

Why is it that my husband can play X Box 360 until 2 in morning but falls asleep at 9:30 while watching TV with me? I guess it's the interactive component. So does that mean I should try and kill him intermittently while we are watching our favorite show--to keep him on his toes? And how is it that the X Box 360 was Sage's birthday present but Alan got 4 games while Sage only got one?

Why is it that they made the kids go to school half way into June yet this whole week all they have done is watch movies? Why do the teachers think "Oh, standardized tests are done, I'm just a baby sitter now!" Isn't there something they could teach them this week? How about some important life skills like safety while cutting your parents lawn? or folding clothes and putting them in drawers? or killing, gutting, cleaning, and cooking a deer? or giving your mom a facial? or sewing your own damn button on your own damn pants?

And when was it that I became such a fuddy-duddy adult who thinks life should be about learning lessons and not playing games or watching Bill Nye the science guy for a week?

Who the hell says fuddy-duddy anymore?

Why is it that I think Sage being tardy yesterday is funny? I guess it's Van Halen's fault. It's just fun to dance around, point at him and sing, "Sage is tardy! Sage is tardy!" "Do you feel tardy? Because you are TA-A-A-Ardy!!" Sage did try and defend himself, "I was tardy because of you, mommy." Oh just because I made him carry a six pound bag of pretzels into class with him for the end of year party! What a whiner!

Why is it that bulk foods excite me so? I go to Costco and I just can't control myself. I want to buy like 3 months worth of food and then hole up in the house for the summer clinging to my guns and my religion. And a six pound bag of pretzels for five bucks seems like a great idea at the time until they make my 8 year old tardy.

Why is it that my cat takes about 5 minutes to heave up that hairball? I mean it's like huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack, huh-ack...and it disgusts me but I can't look away until he's done. And why is it that even though we have hardwood everywhere downstairs he always has to go to the rug to throw up?

And finally, why is it that I can't get that Soulja Boy song out of my head. I don't even know the words but I keep singing it anyway. Aaaaaaaaaah, Soulja boy da da da oh, wha wa ba ba wha wa rooooooolllll, wha wa crank that Soulja boy, Superman, la la la Ooooooohhhhhhhhh. And how many times will I have to watch it on You Tube to purge it from my brain forever...or to memorize it and learn the dance--whichever. Crank that thang.

Sage through the ages

How did we get from here.......................................to here?

June 9th, 2000--Sage was born. He was breech so they slit me open like a fish and pulled him into this world. Knowing Sage, I am pretty sure this was his plan all along--to make a dramatic entrance, butt first.


He was such an adorable and easy going baby, he lulled me into thinking it was going to be a piece of cake.

I should have known he was different when at 3 years old he told his preschool class that for Halloween he was going to be a Minotaur. The teacher said, "Well, Sage, can you tell us what a Minotaur is?" "Half man, half bull, " he explained. I am more of a 'buy the costume' type than 'make the costume' type, however Minotaur costumes are nonexistent so I had to figure it out. I was starting to wonder if I could keep up with this boy.




When he was 3 years and 11 months Shepard was born. I will never forget the smile on his face when he met and held him for the first time. Now Sage acts the part of the typical older brother--telling him the thunder is going to get him, telling him the dentist is going to hurt him, standing behind him and whispering "The darkness" over and over again until Shepard runs away crying. But there are times when I see him look at Shepard with that same glowing smile and I can feel the love.



Age 5 and off to school he went without a look back at Mom and Dad. That's when most of our troubles began. I have had to share him with the world and I am not happy about it. In three years we have already had to deal with bullying, unacceptable friends, forgery and his aversion to education. I tried to tell him "Education is the best gift you can ever receive." To which he replied, "NO, a motor bike is the best gift you can ever receive!" He is stubborn, moody, and likes to get a rise out of me. In a moment of unexpected honesty, he once admitted that he will say things just to see me yell. Sometimes I feel like I am always two steps behind him. The day he was born my heart became an open wound that will never heal. He'll never know how much I think about him and struggle with every decision I make. I hope I am doing right by him.

Though he is challenging at times I still love his wide open spirit. He is not afraid to show his enthusiasm, to shake what his mama gave him, to laugh and be laughed at, and to show who he is without apology. Never dull, he can always surprise me and most of the time make me smile.




Raising Sage is like reading a great novel--I cannot put it down and look forward to turning each page because I can't wait to see what happens next.
Happy 8th Birthday, Sage!!

Be careful what you wish for--It might just spray you in the face

My son Shepard, being the 2nd child, is far more independent than his brother. One thing that he doesn't do, and seemingly has no desire to do, is wipe his own butt. About 6 months ago Alan came to me and said, "Shepard needs to learn how to wipe his own butt." To which I said, "Look, Shepard is the 2nd and last child we will ever have. He is my baby and if wants us to wipe his butt, then we should do it. If he wants us to wipe his butt until he is 21, then so be it!! He is our baby, Alan, our last sweet boy!!!" Alan said, "Um, ok" and left not intending to listen to me. I could tell by the way he walked away shaking his head and muttering "Crazy woman hormones."

The weatherman predicted hot as your brain on drugs yesterday so Shepard and I went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch and fun on the indoor play set. In the middle of his glee he abruptly stops and in a pained voice declares he has to go to the bathroom. Then he runs. By the time I caught up with him he was already in the stall with the door locked. I can see him through the crack in the stall and he is sitting--uh oh. And then, "Mommy, I'm pooping!" That is usually my cue to come and do the wiping. But this time I say, "Sorry, Bud, you locked the door and I can't get in. Can you unlock the door?" He yells, "I can't! There's poop in my butt!!" Snickers from the other bathroom occupants. I tell him, "Well, you will just have to wipe yourself this time." Shepard says, "No, I can't! You need to crawl under." "No, Shepard, I am not crawling under." He tries again and through the crack I see him pointing to show me the way, "Just crawl under there." "No Shepard, I cannot crawl under."

I see him hop off of the toilet, do the 'pants around your ankles and poop in your butt' shuffle up to the door. He unlocks and I enter the stall and lean over to see the damage. I silently apologize to Sheryl Crow 'cause I am going to need a lot more than one square for this job. So while I'm bent over wiping my son's ass the tsunami-loud automatic flushing toilet keeps going off and spraying me in the face with toilet water. Aw hell, was my mouth open?! Shepard says, "Are you done?" Toilet flushes again. Alan might be right about this one. This baby is going to Daddy's butt wiping boot camp ASAP.

I'm melting, what a world!

For the past two weeks we had family visiting from London. (Holla M&M and The British!) We had a great time but the drinking, oooohhh, all the drinking and eating. Too much eating. It had to end! I never thought I would be looking forward to going back on my diet, but I am.

So here's a diet update--It's slow but there has been progress. I have lost a good solid 8 pounds. I was hoping for more by this point but I have to face the fact that I am older and have no air brushing at my disposal. On the bright side, I am down to one chin and inches have been lost. I have not been able to drop to the lower size in pants yet; however, the size I wear is very loose on me. Let's just say that my butt crack will definitely be needing some SPF 30 soon.

I have also been exercising, Ack! I am allergic to exercise but the drinking helps me through it. I go to a ladies' gym with my mom. The weight machines are set up in a circle and we cycle through them twice and then we're done. I hate to brag but I am probably the strongest and most energetic of anyone at the gym. Of course most of the women at the gym are about 20 to 30 years older than me. But hey, I'm kicking their ass!!

So here I was feeling good about myself until yesterday.

Sage "Can we go to the pool today?"

Me "No, I'm not ready to get into a bathing suit just yet."

Sage "Because you're fat?"

Actually, I was thinking more of the body hair situation than the fat situation.

Shepard chimed in, "Why are you fat, Mommy?"

Sage "Shepard, Mommy's not fat. She's not!"

Yeah, whatever, he just wanted to go to the pool, the little liar.

Countdown...25 days until my 20th high school reunion. Will I drop a size? Will my butt crack peel? Will the ladies at my gym make it to the end of the month? Will my boys ever develop any tact? Will I throw my scale from a tall building, beat it with a bat, scream at it, spit on it and then try to weigh again? Is the suspense killing you? Stay tuned.

Saving our planet one bite at a time

I think we all need to face the fact that our planet is in trouble. I am talking about Global Warming--it's a real bitch and it's coming for you and your children. Al Gore has warned us in his movie 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have never seen this movie and I never will but, factual inconsistencies and digitally created images aside, it brings home an important point about global warming--it's all our fault and it's up to us to fix it or we die.

I have tried to do my part by using compact fluorescent bulbs, giving up the hair spray, and cutting back on my beer, Benadryl, and bikini wax runs. But my efforts seem trite. I've searched my soul on what else I could do to make a larger impact. What could a person like me--a wife, a mother and a nurse--do to give her life meaning? Today I am starting a campaign that I think will really make a difference in reducing the greenhouse gases in our atmosphere and I hope you will all join me in this effort.

SAVE OUR PLANET, EAT MORE STEAK

That's right, the cows must die to save us all. Do you realize that methane is more potent than CO2 in contributing to greenhouse gasses? Cattle in the U.S. alone emit 5.5 million metric tons of methane per year into the atmosphere. Cow emissions are far more dangerous than all the U.S. SUV emissions combined. I cannot stand idly by while these belching bovines of destruction are polluting our planet. I say we slaughter them and dine upon their flesh.

I am willing to make the sacrifice of eating steak every night (with some fava beans and a nice Chianti) if it means saving Mother Earth. If I have to raid the weapons cache I am amassing under the floor boards of my bed and put a bullet in each cow's brain personally, I will do it. I'll take my message to my family, friends and anyone who can hear me shout from my lawn chair in the front yard. And when I see Al Gore riding by in his limousine or flying overhead in his Lear Jet, I will raise my fists in the air and proudly shout, "We did it, Al!!! We made a difference today!"

After I have taken care of the cows, I will turn my attention to the polar bears. Whose bright idea was it to make them an endangered species?! Has anyone tested their emissions? The polar ice caps are melting at an increased rate and who are the owners of the fat, white butts sitting directly on them? Coincidence?! I don't think so. The polar bears are NOT your friends, people!!

The Key to a Happy Marriage

I admit that I am not good about keeping up with my keys. But the other day it was ridiculous. I had been searching the house--in every dusty corner, under every cushion--for half the day and I was starting to panic. I finally enlisted Alan to help me and he immediately pissed me off with the question he always asks in these situations, "So where is the last place you remember having your keys?" And I responded with the answer I always give, "If I knew that then I would know where they were, wouldn't I?!" Then he told me I need to sit down, clear my mind, and visualize my actions on the previous afternoon. I hate this shit.

Me, "OK, I arrived home with groceries in the trunk. Shepard was with me and I told him to get out of the car and run like a freak to the door because it was pouring rain. I opened the trunk and started to get the bags. Shepard was ringing the doorbell but you didn't open the door for him."

Alan, "I was in the bathroom."

Me, "I don't care. Your child was freezing in the rain."

Alan, "He wasn't freezing, it was 70 degrees."

Me, "That's not the point. You didn't let us in even though I called ahead to let you know I was coming."

Alan, "I had to go to the bathroom."

Me, "You are a grown man. You should have held it."

Alan, "It wouldn't be held. OK, I think we need to do an actual reenactment of the events."

Me, "Are you kidding me?"

Alan, "No, it will help, really. Go out to your car."

So I went out to the car and pretended to get groceries out of the trunk in the rain. I came to the front door and Alan and I reenacted our argument,

Me, "I called you to let you know we were coming! Why didn't you let us in?"

Alan, "I was in the bathroom!"

Me, "So what! Your poor child was standing in the rain and you were just sitting there!!!"

Alan, "WITCH!" Then he said, "Oh, I only thought that at the time."

Me, "ASS! I think I actually said that."

So the reenactment continues. I came in the house loaded with groceries, sniped at Alan and then I remembered something important. As I was passing him in the foyer, Alan said, "So is there anything else in the car?"

Me, "Yeah, the cat litter but I already closed the trunk. Here take my keys and open it."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa HA!!!!! I looked at Alan and he has that 'Oh whoops' look on his face because now I know I didn't lose the keys, but he did! So he went outside to started reenacting his own actions. I just walked straight to the closet and fished my key out of his rain jacket. So as I was beating Alan about the head and neck for making me think I had lost my keys forever, he was laughing. He grabbed me, held me close and said, "You see, that's what our marriage needs--a little role play. It will spice things up. "

Mother's Day--a dish best served cold

My Mother's day was fantastic. All of the possible negatives of the weekend turned out to be positives. My fun started on Saturday. I had to work a twelve hour shift--7am to 7pm. Alan called me at work around 10am and moaned, "I'm sick--I am nauseous, I have chills, and my joints are aching." I immediately felt terrible for him and was about to express some sympathetic wishes until....

FLASHBACK: about a week and a half ago I am lying in my bed, sick as crap and receiving little to no sympathy from my husband (See my April 30th post--you know, the day I became a lesbian.) In one of my feverish rantings I seem to recall screeching something at Alan to the effect of "I HOPE YOU GET JUST AS SICK AS I AM ONE DAY AND I WILL BE SURE TO TREAT YOU THE EXACT SAME WAY YOU HAVE TREATED ME!!!!"

My lips curled up in a dreamy half smile. My curse actually worked! I couldn't help but feel a bit satisfied as I said, "Oh honey, sorry you're sick. Good luck with that and I hope the kids aren't too wild. I will see you tonight at about 8pm."

We were not busy at work so it was a very peaceful day. I was able to do some reading and enjoy some girl talk with my co-workers. I also received regular progress reports from Alan--how he had to fix the boys lunch even though he felt like he was going to throw up, how he had to figure out how to keep the boys occupied inside while he took a nap, how they kept coming in his room when he was trying to sleep (saying things like 'Daddy, I'm thirsty', 'Daddy, Sage is annoying me', and 'Daddy, Shepard hit me in my wrong spot!'), how he had to search the neighborhood when Shepard ran off to a neighbor's yard, and how he had to deal with Sage who was misbehaving outside. And I'm still smiling.

So that night, I stood beside our bed looking down at a pale and sickly Alan. I am a vengeful bitch and I am not sorry, so I said it. "Alan, before I go and take over with the kids, I just want you to know that what you experienced today is exactly what I experienced for three days when I was sick and had no help or sympathy. I hope you remember this." He whimpered, "Yes, I will, I am sorry, I will do better next time." Hey, I'm not proud but I can't help it--revenge is fricking SWEET!

Sunday could not have been better. I had to work a half day but when I arrived home Sage and Shepard presented me with a Mother's day sign that they had made. I then climbed into bed wearing one of Alan's shirts and took and long nap curled up next to my poor sick man. The evening was perfect. We all ate pizza and ice cream while watching "Raiders of the Lost Ark." Did I mention I didn't wear a bra the whole night? It was like heaven--truly the best Mother's Day ever.

Happy Birthday, Shepard

Everyday for a month you have woken up and asked me, "Is today my birthday?" I can finally say, "Yes, Shepard. Today is your birthday." And now you have a new question that I will have to answer for the next month, "Am I still 4?"

On May 6th, 2004, Alan and I watched the 'Friends' finale while eating Thai food and then went to bed. I woke at 1 am in heavy labor. At 4 am, Alan asked, "Is there anything I can do for you?" and I responded, "No, I wouldn't want to interrupt your SLEEP!" And then Alan got up. At 5 am, my Dad came and got Sage and at 7 am, we called my midwife. We were at the hospital by 9 and I was 7 cm dilated when I arrived. The pushing started around 12 and after an hour the doctor suggested, "If I just cut you a little..." I said most emphatically, "Just do it!!!" And then at a little after 1 pm on May 7th, Shepard arrived. I am reminded of that moment every time I try to put a shirt on that big melon head of his.

There are so many things I love about Shepard. He is such a cool kid that in moments of weakness (like this morning) I feel like I want more kids if only they could be like him. I love his giggle. I love when he does his goofy voice. I love how he dresses himself without being asked. I love how when Sage is trying to mess with him, he does the 'Shepard smack'-- his little arms starts flying around like a windmill and Sage flees in terror. I love how anytime that isn't now or tomorrow is "last year." I love how he gets such joy from burping or saying the word 'penis.' I love how when he thinks something is cool he says, "That's sweeeeeet!" I love how he wants dessert after breakfast. I love how the moment I finish reading him a book he says, "Read it again!"I love how he cries when he has to come in from playing outside.

I love how he tells me I look pretty even when no one else notices. I love how he can take my breath away like the time we were snuggling and he looked up at me and said, "Mommy, I so love you." I love his beautiful eyes. And most of all I love his smile because when he smiles I see his Dad and I remember the love that got him here.

I don't feel tardy

Friday night I went to see Van Halen in concert. For an old dude, Dave was looking pretty good--some one's been using his Abdominizer. With his pink plaid shirt and his son, Wolfgang, playing by his side, Eddie has lost a lot of the Rock Star appeal. He looked way too Daddyish. He can still jam on that guitar though. Poor Alex was way too 'Weekend at Bernie's' for me.

I really enjoyed it. I don't go to many concerts anymore but when I do I realize how much I love to go to concerts. It is so incredibly energizing. It also brings back some good memories.

Since this post was so entirely lame and in honor of one of my favorite Van Halen songs, I have decided to give an encore to one of my favorite posts of all time.

I hope you lick it!! I'm a screamer for ice cream