Friday, May 23, 2008

Saving our planet one bite at a time

I think we all need to face the fact that our planet is in trouble. I am talking about Global Warming--it's a real bitch and it's coming for you and your children. Al Gore has warned us in his movie 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have never seen this movie and I never will but, factual inconsistencies and digitally created images aside, it brings home an important point about global warming--it's all our fault and it's up to us to fix it or we die.

I have tried to do my part by using compact fluorescent bulbs, giving up the hair spray, and cutting back on my beer, Benadryl, and bikini wax runs. But my efforts seem trite. I've searched my soul on what else I could do to make a larger impact. What could a person like me--a wife, a mother and a nurse--do to give her life meaning? Today I am starting a campaign that I think will really make a difference in reducing the greenhouse gases in our atmosphere and I hope you will all join me in this effort.


That's right, the cows must die to save us all. Do you realize that methane is more potent than CO2 in contributing to greenhouse gasses? Cattle in the U.S. alone emit 5.5 million metric tons of methane per year into the atmosphere. Cow emissions are far more dangerous than all the U.S. SUV emissions combined. I cannot stand idly by while these belching bovines of destruction are polluting our planet. I say we slaughter them and dine upon their flesh.

I am willing to make the sacrifice of eating steak every night (with some fava beans and a nice Chianti) if it means saving Mother Earth. If I have to raid the weapons cache I am amassing under the floor boards of my bed and put a bullet in each cow's brain personally, I will do it. I'll take my message to my family, friends and anyone who can hear me shout from my lawn chair in the front yard. And when I see Al Gore riding by in his limousine or flying overhead in his Lear Jet, I will raise my fists in the air and proudly shout, "We did it, Al!!! We made a difference today!"

After I have taken care of the cows, I will turn my attention to the polar bears. Whose bright idea was it to make them an endangered species?! Has anyone tested their emissions? The polar ice caps are melting at an increased rate and who are the owners of the fat, white butts sitting directly on them? Coincidence?! I don't think so. The polar bears are NOT your friends, people!!


fort knocks said...

Or we could sneak out at night and instead of cow-tipping, we could try cow-fart-lighting. Gets rid of the methane right there, and it's more fun!

Plus, if you accidentally explode a cow, there you go: free, pre-seared steaks for everyone. With a little burnt poop on them, but who cares? We're drunk!

Edge said...

Maybe put a pilot light right by their anus. They would look like fireflies at night.


BeckEye said...

I am so on this. Bring on the sauteed onions.

I'm sure Sour Cream and Onion Baked Lays somehow contribute to global warming too. I plan on removing every bag from this earth all on my own. I won't rest until they're all gone.

J. Hi said...

fort knocks and edge--you guys know how to party.

beckyeye--I'm with you. yummy