Monday, May 12, 2008

Mother's Day--a dish best served cold

My Mother's day was fantastic. All of the possible negatives of the weekend turned out to be positives. My fun started on Saturday. I had to work a twelve hour shift--7am to 7pm. Alan called me at work around 10am and moaned, "I'm sick--I am nauseous, I have chills, and my joints are aching." I immediately felt terrible for him and was about to express some sympathetic wishes until....

FLASHBACK: about a week and a half ago I am lying in my bed, sick as crap and receiving little to no sympathy from my husband (See my April 30th post--you know, the day I became a lesbian.) In one of my feverish rantings I seem to recall screeching something at Alan to the effect of "I HOPE YOU GET JUST AS SICK AS I AM ONE DAY AND I WILL BE SURE TO TREAT YOU THE EXACT SAME WAY YOU HAVE TREATED ME!!!!"

My lips curled up in a dreamy half smile. My curse actually worked! I couldn't help but feel a bit satisfied as I said, "Oh honey, sorry you're sick. Good luck with that and I hope the kids aren't too wild. I will see you tonight at about 8pm."

We were not busy at work so it was a very peaceful day. I was able to do some reading and enjoy some girl talk with my co-workers. I also received regular progress reports from Alan--how he had to fix the boys lunch even though he felt like he was going to throw up, how he had to figure out how to keep the boys occupied inside while he took a nap, how they kept coming in his room when he was trying to sleep (saying things like 'Daddy, I'm thirsty', 'Daddy, Sage is annoying me', and 'Daddy, Shepard hit me in my wrong spot!'), how he had to search the neighborhood when Shepard ran off to a neighbor's yard, and how he had to deal with Sage who was misbehaving outside. And I'm still smiling.

So that night, I stood beside our bed looking down at a pale and sickly Alan. I am a vengeful bitch and I am not sorry, so I said it. "Alan, before I go and take over with the kids, I just want you to know that what you experienced today is exactly what I experienced for three days when I was sick and had no help or sympathy. I hope you remember this." He whimpered, "Yes, I will, I am sorry, I will do better next time." Hey, I'm not proud but I can't help it--revenge is fricking SWEET!

Sunday could not have been better. I had to work a half day but when I arrived home Sage and Shepard presented me with a Mother's day sign that they had made. I then climbed into bed wearing one of Alan's shirts and took and long nap curled up next to my poor sick man. The evening was perfect. We all ate pizza and ice cream while watching "Raiders of the Lost Ark." Did I mention I didn't wear a bra the whole night? It was like heaven--truly the best Mother's Day ever.


Edge said...

Oh man ... I hate being sick for fear of the wife revenge. So I just don't get sick unless I have a heart attack or something. Anything less minor is not worth it.

And the line about not wearing a bra just put the icing on the cake! LOL


S E E Quine said...

` Whoa! E-VIL! That scares me. No, really. I am afraid to think what I would do if I was vengeful.
` Let's see... the two biggies were that I was horribly abused for 18 years by my dad, and a little later on, a bad man picked at me with surgical instruments for a long time and then I was carted off to the insane asylum after some lunkhead at the ER thought I was this nutbag lady and I almost died for lack of medical care.
` My alter ego Dr. Nociceptor, was the result of this treatment. She's still on the loose, too....

Kathleen said...

J.Hi. You are one of the funniest people I know. Hugs & kisses, -K.

Rob said...

You got freaky-ass commenters going on here, Jillis. I thought I'd just say your blog is the bomb.


princess slea said...

we totally watched Raiders on Mother's Day too, we dug out the old VHS tapes and watched them back to back to back.

so AI, it's down to the David's like everyone knew it would be. who the hell is voting for david archwhatever?? snoooooze.