Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Pandora's got herself a big brown beaver

Pandora is our cat. She is a rather large girl--Alan calls her "Kitty the Hutt" but she was our first baby and we love her. But it is not always easy to love her because she's a raging queen diva bitch at times. She is very affectionate to Alan and I but if anyone else tries to pet her she will give them a vicious hiss and sometimes a smack. She doesn't scratch them though, she's a lady.

Pandora also does not like her brother, Diablo, very much. We took Diablo in when Pandora was two. We thought she would like the company but we were wrong. She was PISSED and wouldn't have anything to do with us for about 6 months. Even after nine years of having him around she still growls at him and smacks him a good one whenever he gets too close to her majesty. She has never taken to the kids much either. When Sage was little and she hissed at him he would cry. It really hurt his feelings. Shepard, however, just hisses back and laughs at her.

One of our favorite things to do is tease the kids with her. If they keep jumping in our bed at night instead of staying in their bed, Alan will pick her up and tell the kids, "Here comes Pandora to cuddle up with you." And the kids run screaming. Or if they are bugging the crap out of me about wanting a cookie, I will say, "Sure you can have a cookie, but you have to kiss Pandora first." Hee hee, I love that one. Hey, what good are kids if you can't amuse yourself by tormenting them? Shepard actually did kiss her once and he didn't even lose an eye. He must have really wanted that cookie.

Yes, there are advantages to having Pandora around. BUT, and when I say 'but' I mean BUTT, here's the biggest drawback to our portly pussy. She leaves track marks on carpet. I have written about this before in one of my old posts entitled Pussy Problems. Check it out because that post has one of my favorite and most hilarious pictures of Alan in it. The gist of it is this--she is too large to clean herself properly and so she drags her butt along the carpet and leaves us the evidence.


Can you see them? It's kind of hard with our carpet, but try,ok? Squint, close one eye, cross your eyes, drink a beer, whatever. Just look closely--any vertical lines you see should not be there. I can count at least 6. That's Pandora's butt trail--aka shit. They're more impressive in person.


We try to manage this problem by washing and shaving the kitty booty. Then the vet tells me that we also need to bring her in regularly to have her anal glands expressed. Ex-Queef-Me?! Why the hell do cats have anal glands and are they really necessary? Do they serve any purpose than just to make me retch? Can't they be removed? I had all these questions and nowhere to turn until I found The Anal Sac web page. Thank God for it because it answered all my questions. Yes, they can be removed--an anal sacculectomy--but I probably cannot afford that. I also cannot afford to take her to the vet every couple of weeks for this procedure. So I informed Alan that it would be up to him to learn how to express Pandora's anal glands. He scowled at me and said, "You just want to watch me do it so you can point and cheer." Oh, that man knows me so well.

What do you think...separated at birth???


6 comments:

Melissa said...

i'm glad that i don't have a cat named pandora and only have a pup that has explosive diarrhea everywhere. whew. dodged a bullet on pet ownership. oh, and thanks for letting me know 3 months after playing with your boys on that very same carpet.

Big Al said...

Melissa - in all fairness the crap on the carpet at the time that you were playing with the kids was not Pandora's.

After reading up on anal glands expressing techniques, I'm afraid that I would be too rough on Pandora. I need to start by practicing on something a lot tougher. Hey, honey - after the kids go to bed tonight, I need you to help me with a project...

Knot said...

I don't understand why anyone wants a cat.

Knot

J. Hi said...

Knot--Cats are purrfect!

Big Al--you are a sick individual. I'll see you tonight.

Jon said...

My dog does the same thing! It's terrible, isn't it?

Love the Primus reference too...

Falwless said...

Your blog is so damn funny. I wish you would post 18 times a day.