Friday, June 06, 2008

Be careful what you wish for--It might just spray you in the face

My son Shepard, being the 2nd child, is far more independent than his brother. One thing that he doesn't do, and seemingly has no desire to do, is wipe his own butt. About 6 months ago Alan came to me and said, "Shepard needs to learn how to wipe his own butt." To which I said, "Look, Shepard is the 2nd and last child we will ever have. He is my baby and if wants us to wipe his butt, then we should do it. If he wants us to wipe his butt until he is 21, then so be it!! He is our baby, Alan, our last sweet boy!!!" Alan said, "Um, ok" and left not intending to listen to me. I could tell by the way he walked away shaking his head and muttering "Crazy woman hormones."

The weatherman predicted hot as your brain on drugs yesterday so Shepard and I went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch and fun on the indoor play set. In the middle of his glee he abruptly stops and in a pained voice declares he has to go to the bathroom. Then he runs. By the time I caught up with him he was already in the stall with the door locked. I can see him through the crack in the stall and he is sitting--uh oh. And then, "Mommy, I'm pooping!" That is usually my cue to come and do the wiping. But this time I say, "Sorry, Bud, you locked the door and I can't get in. Can you unlock the door?" He yells, "I can't! There's poop in my butt!!" Snickers from the other bathroom occupants. I tell him, "Well, you will just have to wipe yourself this time." Shepard says, "No, I can't! You need to crawl under." "No, Shepard, I am not crawling under." He tries again and through the crack I see him pointing to show me the way, "Just crawl under there." "No Shepard, I cannot crawl under."

I see him hop off of the toilet, do the 'pants around your ankles and poop in your butt' shuffle up to the door. He unlocks and I enter the stall and lean over to see the damage. I silently apologize to Sheryl Crow 'cause I am going to need a lot more than one square for this job. So while I'm bent over wiping my son's ass the tsunami-loud automatic flushing toilet keeps going off and spraying me in the face with toilet water. Aw hell, was my mouth open?! Shepard says, "Are you done?" Toilet flushes again. Alan might be right about this one. This baby is going to Daddy's butt wiping boot camp ASAP.


Edge said...

I say this being a man, but what's up with boys and not wiping their a$$? My step-son was like 6 and couldn't wipe his butt. My daughter is getting better, but still has a problem now and then. Lord ... the auto-toilet in the face huh?

Ew ...

Our simple rule is, "Wipe until you can't see any more on the paper."


Falwless said...


I love your stories. And I love that he wanted you to crawl under. Sheesh, Mom, just crawl under - what's the big deal?

Kids are so dumb. And consequently funny.

Melissa said...