The F-Word

Sage says, "Mommy, I am going to say the F word." I said, "Ok, go ahead" and he says, "FART!!" Then he laughs and does a little dance. I, for one, have never like the word 'fart.' It just sounds nasty. So I have always insisted that the boys say 'pass gas' or 'poot' instead of 'fart.' But I have to admit that there are some words that, though they sound bad or make me feel uncomfortable, are just the most appropriate word for the situation. Fart is one of those words. And though I may not like hearing it, there really is no other word that does the act justice.

Another word that fits the bill is 'retarded.' This word is a hot button one at the moment. In fact, the GA in my state is trying to pass a bill that will abolish the future and past use of this word in their documents. I can see the point of discontinuing the use of the word going forward. But to go back and change every document of the past seems a bit like PC run wild, not to mention expensive--it will cost the tax payers about $70,000. As a nurse I have cared for many (and loved some) mentally challenged patients. I don't want to offend them or their families but come on, when dealing with the mentally challenged or men, it captures the essence of the situation so much better than the alternatives.

As far as expressive words go, sometimes there is no better feeling than to let the real F-word fly. Since becoming a mom, I have had to quell my use of this word or use substitutions. Saying 'Flibber-di-jibit', 'Flipper-flu', 'Frick' or just plain 'Oh, F!' may be better around the kid but is not as satisfying as a good, loud "F-U-C-K!" It's such a versatile word too. Not only is it an expletive, but it can be a noun, verb, and adjective as well. So many uses--Fuck you, Fuck me, Fuck that, Fucking-A!, I don't give a flying fuck!, Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!, Fucking fantastic! (or Fucktastic), That's fucked up, Fuck no!, Fuck, yes!, and the infamous OH, FUCK! Just to name a few. As you can see, sometimes there is just no better word to express yourself.


So, can I really deny my boys the use of the word 'fart' when it is just the best option? Well, I can for now, but not forever. One day they won't stand for substitutes. I will just have to get used to Sage's F-word. And let's not forget the S-word.....STUPID!!

What's that smell? Oh, it's Love.

Love is in the air. Ahhh...Valentine's Day! The day of cheesy gestures to celebrate our affections for each other. I love it! I relish all of the traditional V-day items--the chocolates, the roses, the cards, cute heart-shaped foods, cheesy romantic songs and happy endings. It's nice to celebrate the more pleasant aspects of love. Because, let's face it, love is complicated and does not always give me the warm fuzzies. Sometimes love picks his nails, OR whistles the same tune over and over and over again until you want to beat him with a bat, OR walks by a basket of clean clothes for a week without it ever occuring to him that he should put them away, OR says "you didn't tell me that" when you told him about 5 times. Alan, I LOVE YOU. I really, really, really do. But you piss me off and you know it! :)


I think God kind of gives some unrealistic expectations regarding love with the whole 'Love is patient, love is kind...not selfish or quick to take offense' stuff. Come on, God, that may be true but you take love and add marriage and kids and you have a tornado of good and bad just whipping your ass on a daily basis. It can make you crazy.

A wise man once said, "If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t never been in love. If you haven’t seriously thought about killing the mother fucker, you ain’t never been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for 45 minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain’t been in love."
Chris Rock

Pretty funny but it also illustrates how true love can evoke such passion and psychotic thoughts. I've got it! Love is like a natural disaster--it brings us together but tends to leave a lot of destruction in its path. Well, in my case only a little destruction. It's all good, except when its not. :)

So here a love letter to my Valentine:

Alan,

The passion I feel for you knows no bounds. I yell so loud because I care so much. I love you so much that I would do anything for you. Our love is my strength and I could not go on without it. I love you so much that if any other woman came sniffing around you I would smack that bitch down and beat her bloody. I love you so much that if you ever tried to leave me I would kill you, kill you dead. Then I would soon follow so I could be with you. But I would much prefer to grow old with you 'cause I think you would look cute all wrinkly and confused. You are my World, my Heart my Life. I found a quote that sums it up--"My love for you is a journey; Starting at forever, And ending at never." ~ by Anonymous ~

Happy Valentine's Day, Honey! Now come home from work so we can get shit-faced on champagne and do it.

Love ya,

J.Hi

Sage did the Technicolor Yawn

I got a call from the clinic at Sage's school today. He had thrown up and they wanted me to come get him. Sage told me that he had thrown up on the floor in the cafeteria during lunch. Eeeewwww, the worst possible place. I asked what he was eating at the time and he said hot dog and tater tots. Eeeeewwww, one of the worst possible foods to throw up. Believe me, I have been there and blowing tater tots is not great--they're chunky.

As we rode to the doctor's office Sage and I came up with ten alternate phrases for throwing up and here is our list--
Vomit (my favorite being a nurse)
Barf
Puke
Hurl
Boot (heard that one a lot in college)
Upchuck (kicking it old school)
Spew
Ralph
Blow chunks
Do the technicolor yawn

Did I miss any?

The Fives

Five song lyrics that I have found to be true...

1. Every rose has its thorn

2. Love is a battlefield

3. Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

4. The sun will come out tomorrow

5. When the pigs try to get at you, park it like it's hot