The Fives

The five best days of my life...

1. The day I walked onto the grounds of UVA and realized that I was leaving all the high school shit behind and I could be a cool kid now
2. The day I married my husband (which was also the day that I started having sex.)
3. The day that I was sliced open like a fish and Sage was pulled out into my world.
4. The day that I became a birth warrior and without drugs pushed Shepard out into my world defying the odds and the crappy medical community that continues to discourage birthing families
5. The day that McDonalds started taking debit cards--Ba da ba ba bah--I'm lovin' it!!

Going Down? Too Scared

Sage and I were walking side by side around the mall yesterday. We were not holding hands because apparently age 5 is when one starts to become embarrassed to hold his mother's hand in public. Or it may be that he wanted to be free to wander to all the places he finds interesting since wherever I want to go is always too "boring." So we approach the escalator side by side, step on the metal platform side by side, and step onto the escalator side by...oops, wait a minute, where is Sage? I glance down and realize he is not by my side. I turn around to discover that he is still standing on the metal platform. For a moment I stand there shocked and descending while Sage looks at me with his eyebrows raised. I snap out of my shock and I whisper yell, "Sage, come on!!" He replies, "I can't, Mommy, I'm afraid to step on." (Sidenote: Sage has been on escalators before and he is not afraid of escalators. He was just freaked out about the taking the first step and I can totally understand that for who among us hasn't given pause as we stare down at that moving step, then another, then another, then another, then..sorry, back to topic) So I whisper yell again, "Just do it!!" Great advice, huh? Sage, "No, I am too scared."

Usually I would just ride down and then ride right back up to collect my child. But the problem is that the up escalator is not right beside the down escalator, it is a little further down the mall. Not very far, but far enough that Sage would be out of my eyesight for about one minute. This thought raises my anxiety level to orange. So I start stepping, trying to walk up the down escalator. After about 10 seconds I realize that I am not moving. What I mean is that my legs were moving, but I was making no progress in my climb. I increase the pace or so I thought and I am still going nowhere fast. Damn, this escalator is flying! So, I start to run up the stairs, trying my best to reach my baby. Finally I reach within 3 steps of the metal platform only to realize that I cannot traverse the moving flat part of the escalator without most likely having an incident. I call out to him, "Ok, step on." Sage "No." At that moment, I see a nice man walking by who is looking over at Sage in a concerned manner. He says something to him like "you ok, buddy?" then he sees me doing my mall stairmaster workout. I managed to say, "He's afraid to step on." So what does this nice man do? He smiles and keeps walking. Well, fuck you very much, kind sir.

At that point I just give up and just let the escalator take me. I yell up to Sage, "Stay right there. Do not move!! I am coming to get you!!" So my workout changes from stairmaster to speed walking down the mall to the up escalator, and then back to stairmaster as I run up. I finally have my beloved child in sight. He is standing on the metal platform tapping his toe on first moving step. I am almost to him when I hear an older lady remark to her friend, "Is anyone with that child?" I promptly claim him, "I am. He's with me." I take his hand and we step on the down escalator. As we are decending I look back to see the lady watching me and giving me a look that seems to say 'How could you leave your child alone playing near an escalator?' So I give her my own look back that says 'Lady, don't judge me 'cause I'll kick your ass. I work out!"

A Sage Moment X4

When you have children, people often give the advise "You should write that down." But sadly, I never have...until now. 'A Sage Moment' will be a running feature on my blog. It's my chance to write down the things that Sage does or says that I would like to remember. Here are the latest gems from my Sage...

I had to take him to get his 5 year old immunizations last week. He was understandably very upset about the whole process and I don't blame him. Getting one shot is hard enough for a little guy, but he had to get three. Anyway, I ended up having to wrap my legs and arms around him in order for him to be still enough to receive the shots (my pediatric nurse experience always comes in handy.) So that night when Alan got home he said to Sage, "I heard you had to get shots today, poor thing. But I heard you were very brave." Sage looked at Alan with a puzzled face and said, "No, I wasn't. I was a scardy cat."

During a tender moment with Sage I was trying to express to him how much I love him. I said, "You know what you are like? It's like someone took a knife, cut off part of my heart, stuck legs arms and hair on it and now you are walking around." He looked at me and said, "Awww, shucks." :)

This morning I told Sage that he couldn't play until he picked up the one thousand and two Lego pieces off the floor of his room. He was very outdone that I would not help him. After about 5 minutes alone in his room he walked into the office and said, "Mama, my pinkie toe really hurts and so I can't clean."

Sage, Shepard and I were all fascinated by the garbage truck this morning. We watched as a mechanical arm emerged from the side of the truck to pick up and empty our trash can. Sage described it well; he said, "It's like an evil grasp."

A Shepard's Tale

I have discovered that Shepard is starting to learn his body parts--well, actually just one, his penis. I told Alan that though I had been working on 'Where's your nose?' for a week, Shepard only seemed to know his penis. So we decided to test him in the bath. I asked Shepard, "Where's your penis?" He smiled and grabbed his penis. Then, "Where's your nose?" Blank stare. "Where's your penis?" He grabbed his penis, squealed "Eeeeeee", then clapped. "Where's your nose?" Blank stare, again.

Oh the penis, isn't that truly a man's best friend?

No, Norman, your teeth will rot

We have tried to teach Shepard baby signs as we did with Sage. Shepard does a few signs but has seemed to go straight to talking. At this point in his little life (14 months old) he has quite a vocabulary--hi, bye bye, ball, kitty, bird, side (for outside), Daddy, Mama, and Ga (for Sage.) Of course his all time favorite word is cookie which he says in a high pitched little squeal that sounds more like "Cu-keeeee!!" The little bugger was saying 'cookie' before he even said 'Mama'--the nerve!! He asks for a cookie no less than 37 times a day--even after breakfast. He recognizes the cookies bags and boxes and even knows that I keep a few cookies in a purple snack cup in his diaper bag. The boy knows his cookies.

So what was I thinking on my recent trip to the grocery store? Things were fine at first; Shepard was sitting in the cart calmly smiling up at me as if he understood my stream of consciousness chatter about the items on our shopping list. Somewhere between the juice and the frozen food is when it happened--I turned down the cookie aisle. I was strolling along unaware when I heard the first sounds emanate from Shepard. A soft and delighted, "Cu-kee." As we rolled on the volume started to slowly escalate and the "kees" became longer and shriller. Before I knew it I was the Janet Leigh in Baby Psycho. Standing in the cookie aisle, the camera rushes to a tight shot of my horrified face. Instead of the staccato shrieks of the violin during the shower scene, it's the escalating sounds of "Cu-kee! Cu-keee! Cu-keeee! Cu-keeeee!" I frantically searched for a way out, but everywhere I turned were Oreos, NutterButters, a menagerie of Animal Crackers and the damn Keebler elf, his jolly grin, mocking me. I glanced back, but then decided to make a run for it straight ahead. All the while "Cu-keee! Cu-keee!" ringing in my ears. I raced to the end turned the corner and came to rest in the coffee section, out of breath, heart pounding, ears ringing. With eyes closed I tried to calm myself. Shepard was finally quiet. My heartbeat slowed to normal. I opened my eyes and looked down at Shepard. He reached out for me, grinned angelically and said, "Cu-kee!" (add staccato violins sounds here)

Frogger Fantastic

Went out browsing today with the boys 'cause there was nothing else to do and I did not want to go home and sit in the house. On a whim, and because it was on sale, I bought a plug and play Frogger game. I freakin' love those plug and play games. I still get to enjoy playing a video game or two without the commitment of an X-Box. The graphics are pretty good on these plug and plays though I suspect the X-Box games are better. But, hell, what do I care? I grew up with Atari. I could be content to just move a line around the screen to keep the dot from going away. I do not mind little tanks made out of 4 squares. It's all good! Plus I was an Atari goddess. I could tear it up on Atari. I was schweeeet.

But sadly now, I have turned into one of those adults that I used to laugh at--the ones that have very little coordination and the reaction time of a frozen snail. But back in the day, I was the Frogger Queen. My frogs were just a green blur--I was magic! I think my mad frog skills started to decline around the time that the Mario Brothers hit. Then it was college, marriage, kids--lots of stuff came along and kept me and the frog apart. But now the Queen is back, biatches!! Eat my froggy dust!

The Fives

Five things that really creep me out...

1. Argyle
2. A single hair--you know like the single hair you find in your food or on the bar of soap or the hair sticking out of a mole
3. Verne Troyer
4. Men with hairy necks--cause if their neck is that hairy, what is their back like?
5. Civil War Reenactors

Another Sage Moment

We went to dinner with Alan's family tonight. I took Sage to the bathroom and turned my back in the stall while he pooped. He likes his privacy, you know. So I am standing there waiting and I hear him say, "Hmmm, my poop is black today." The way he said it seemed to indicate that he checks this each day. I wonder what the color of his poop means to him. I should have asked.

A Sage Moment

Sage was playing with some of his 5 year old toys when Shepard walked up and started grabbing them. Sage exclaimed, "Aaaaw, Shepard, go pick on somebody your own size!"

The Fives

The five things I appreciate more after having children...

1. Alone time--to shop, eat, drive, poop, blog, etc.
2. Cranking music with explicit lyrics in the car
3. Urinary sphincter control
4. Silence
5. My parents

The Cowboy Mouth Experience

Last Friday night Alan and I went to see Cowboy Mouth in concert here in Richmond. We had fallen in love with this band after seeing them at Jazz Fest in New Orleans in April. Our good friends had been telling us how great they were for years, but you really cannot appreciate them until you see them live and they will blow you away!! Anyway, we were very excited to see them in our own hometown and especially since it was free!! Free is always good for me!!

We had Alan's parents keep the kids for the night so we could let loose and Hakuna Matata it. And I should say we did! I was very proud of us. We arrived early and snagged a great front row center spot--standing, of course. Cowboy Mouth did not disappoint. They are like a lightening bolt through your soul and you have no choice but to move with their song.

About half way through the show, Fred (the drummer/lead singer) threw a cracked drumstick into the audience. I turned around to discover that it had fallen behind me and I noticed a blond-haired girl begin to stoop to pick it up. But with my catlike reflexes, I snatched it up before she knew what had happened. I do not feel guilty about this at all. After all, I am a stay at home mother of 2 boys. I need a little excitement of my own creation at times; excitement that has nothing to do with pee, poop, or spilled Cheerios. Little did I know that the adventure was not over.

During the fianle of the show, the band had launched into "Jenny Says." Fred was telling people to get up on stage and dance. Suddenly I realized that he was staring into my eyes over the drumset, pointing his drumstick at me and saying, "YOU! Come on up here." It was as if God himself looked down on me from on high and declared "Yes, come on up, you made the cut!" OK, I am being a bit dramatic here, but just remember, I don't get out much. Alan and some other guys in the crowd hoisted my big ass over the four foot barrier and I managed to jump up on the stage. Then I preceded to let it all go. I danced, pranced and had a ball with Alan looking up at me and cheering me on.

Since I have become a parent I tend to dissect events and analyze them, searching for the meaning, the lesson, the why and what have I learned of it all. So, what can I take away from this night? What did I learn while dancing wildly on stage? I learned that Alan and I do not go out alone enough. I learned that we really do need to let go, have fun, and recharge. We need to continue to make memories that just involve the two of us. I think this is one of those memories--The Cowboy Mouth Experience.

Hey Alan, to us! Cheers!!