What'chu talkin' bout, Willis?!

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. It was a rough one, as you can see. Talk about bed head!!!

I have been doing some self improvement work lately which I will get to later. BUT I have to wrap up my thoughts on 2009 and I here are my favorite quotes from the past year.

1. Alan and I were having one of our louder "discussions" when Sage piped up and said, "I need a bag of popcorn, I'm enjoying this!!" That was kind of a mood killer.

2. When talking about Sage, Shepard remarked, "His breath smells like HORRID!"

3. Keeping with the smell theme--Exclaimed Sage,after vomiting in the dentist office, "It smelt of elderberry!!"

4. When Shepard was trying to entice me to come to the bathroom to wipe his butt , "Come on Mommy, I'll buy you new pillows!"

5. My dad was talked into wiping Shepard's butt and said, "I was the one who wiped his butt, then Shepard gets up and washes his hands!"

6. During the big snow we had here, I called my parents and warned my dad not to overdo it on the snow shoveling (he's in his 70s.) I told him I didn't want him to have a heart attack and ruin Christmas. My mom called me later and said, "I've been out there twice and the ASS won't come in."

7. A reoccurring quote from Alan over the year, "You're going to blog this, aren't you?"

8. While reading to the boys one night, I make a mistake that has changed my life. The line read "It's all your fault!" but it came out of my mouth (by accident) as "It's all your fart!" I will never live it down.

The last few have to do with my patience--or lack thereof.

9. In my effort to get out of the door one day I lost it with Sage. In the car I told him I was sorry for yelling but I get stressed out when we have to be somewhere and he is dragging his feet. I said, "It would be great if you could be helpful and not hurtful" to which Sage replied, "I can't make any promises."

10. This is the quote that almost was...In another frustrating session of trying to get out of the door, it was Shepard's turn to drive me crazy--so crazy that I ALMOST said to him, "Shepard, I'm 'bout to put a cap in your ass!" I caught myself just in time and it came out, "Shepard, I'm 'bout to put a cap in your Aaaaaaaaaaa...ummm..." cough

11. While arguing with my most frustrating boy of all (yes, Alan) I screamed, "LIVING WITH YOU MAKES ME WANT TO DIE!!!!" Oh, it was just another way to say I care. ;)

So that's it...2009 wrapped up with a shiny, glittery bow. What'cha got for me 2010? Bring it.

Reflections by J.Hi

What a better way to start a new year than looking back. 2009 may not have been a great year for the country but it was a banner year here in my little piece of heaven. I started the year with a preschooler and ended it with a grade schooler. That was big for me. Even though Shepard loves school and is thriving, he's my baby. I really just want to slap a diaper on his butt, a pacie in his mouth, wrap him in a blankie, and rock. (Cukoo, cukoo!!) If I could only stop time!! I told him, "Shepard, please don't lose your sweetness when you start school." Sage said, "Oh, yes he will lose his sweetness! Just like I did." I replied, "Sage, you were never as sweet as Shepard." And Sage scowled. Alan says I am sometimes too honest--brutally so. I guess I will have to work on that this year if I have a minute.

Aging issues seemed to be a common theme in 2009 (and for the REST OF MY LIFE!) Alan set off in the land of 40 paving the way for me in October. I have found my wrinkles less tolerable lately and picking the grays out is becoming harder to keep up with. I actually considered increasing my fiber intake recently. Now tell me that isn't oldness creeping in. And when my OB suggested I have my Vitamin D level checked it sent me into a deep depression. Old person test. How much longer will it be before I am on 10 medications,worrying about breaking my hip, and blogging about my colon?

Alan and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary. Marriage is a hoot, isn't it? It's like a fun game of how loud can we make each other yell. I can't help it, I'm a yeller like my father before me. (No, not a screamer, that's a subject for another post.) Hey, there's nothing like a good yelling session to cleanse the soul. It keeps things interesting. At first Sage was like "Now, now you two, calm down." But he's evolved even if we haven't. **Stay tuned for the next post of my favorite quotes of 2009**

I started listening to country music. I am ashamed to admit I was a country music scoffer. Yes, I scoffed. I've always liked Charlie Daniels, Kenny Rogers, and Garth Brooks but that's where my country repertoire ended. So one day, I don't know why (maybe I was tired of hearing that "don't trust a ho"song 20 times a day on the pop station), I just turned it to the country station and gave it a try. Well, in about an hour I had given it up. I heard a song about 9/11, a song about yearning to be young, and another one about your kid growing up and I was in tears. I thought "this stuff is too sad for me." But I tried it again the next day and found it very refreshing--some very clever and fun songs. I find it very relatable (ok, my computer tells me relatable is not a word, but if it's not, it should be.) Anyway, I'm all 'hey y'all and yee haw' now and even have Alan wanting to learn how to Boot Scoot. Hell yeah!!

It was an interesting year with the family. In town we have my parents, Alan's parents, my Aunt and her kids, my two sisters, five nieces, 2 great nieces, 2 great nephews, and several baby daddys. I have learned over the years that when it comes to my family, it's more fun to watch from afar than get involved. Though my family is very ummm...colorful, I choose not to blog about them. This is not a soap opera, it's a blog!!

So am I better off for knowing 2009? I would have to say yes. Lots of issues, true, but also lots to celebrate. I am rolling in blessings so I can't complain. Here's to 2010 and hoping for that hangover cure and the pill that takes 30 lbs off instantly!!

Happy Screw Year, Friends!!!!

Mooory Christmooooomas!!

Word of the day

As a punishment, I made Sage write a report on why it is important to be respectful to your parents. In the report he used the word "obsequious." Although he misspelled it, I was still very impressed my 9 year old was using such a big word. I had to ask him what it meant. A Facebook friend commented 'Come on, UVA grad...isn't obsequious part of your everyday vocabulary?" But I told her "Kids have turned my brain to jello." It's hard to use big words when you are screaming through your clenched teeth at them.

The report came about because we were arguing about a new winter coat he received from his grandparents. He decided he doesn't like it and was giving me a hard time about wearing it--he said it was too warm (it's a winter coat, for crying out loud) and too big (I did have them buy it a little big for growing room.) However, he was crossing the line from acceptable protest to "oh no he didn't" back sassing. So after school I gave him a choice of either going to his room for an hour or writing the report. He chose the report and here it is in it's entirety (because it's a classic):

It is important to be respectful to my parents because they are the ONLY ones I've got. I guess I just get carried away and get mad at you. I won't do it again. I won't do it by going by my new motto: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Sometimes I'm obsecweous and sometimes I'm just like (when you say or read these words say them like a teenager that doesn't care about anything) "what ever!" I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.

P.S. I really don't like the new coat because it makes me look fat. in fact one of my classmates said "Sage is that you? You really let yourself go man." :(

So this teachable moment taught me something as well--I don't know any big words. I need to start learning some for my next argument. Indubitably!!

Tiger update

Did you hear in the news that Tiger is changing his name? Yeah, instead of Tiger he will now be known as Cheetah.

Tiger is putting out a Christmas card this year. On the front it says, "Ho Ho Ho" and when you open it there's another Ho, and another Ho, and another Ho (12 so far, and counting.)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Happy Friday and may your 'putter' or your 'hole in one' get as much action as Tiger this weekend!

Don't tell...

Can you keep a secret? Here is the birthday present I got for Alan. It's a statue of Alan and I that I had whipped up last week. It's too big for the house so I thought it would be a great lawn ornament. What do you think? I am sure my neighborhood association will adore it, as well as my neighbors.

Don't you just looooooove it? ;)

Happy Birthday!!

Quoth Alan, "I don't feel 40." Well, what does 40 feel like? I won't know until October. But Alan is paving the way because today is his birthday!!! Happy Birthday, my love!

Now Alan, I know you are a little freaked out about turning 40 but you shouldn't worry. You still have your looks (oh so sexy) your health (turn and cough,) your hair (all over the place--ha ha,) a gorgeous wife (who thinks you are the bees knees,) and two beautiful kids to keep you young (or make you old before your time, you decide.) What do you have to worry about? You are living the good life, baby. So, enjoy your birthday because today you are special!! (But tomorrow you are just 40.)

Have fun and don't break a hip!!

I Object!

I am starting a new segment entitled "I Object!" which will be dedicated to things that stick in my craw. So here we go.

I Object!...to people who whine about having to listen to Christmas music throughout the month of December. It never fails, every year I will hear a handful of people making snide comments like, "Ugh, Christmas music, already?" or "I cannot bear to listen to anymore Christmas music!" That really frosts my boughs of holly.

I happen to love Christmas music! I have around 50 CDs of Christmas music and I usually buy a new CD or two every year. I have a 50 disc changer and I put all the CDs in it and hit random play. I love it! I love hearing different artists sing their take on the classics and I love it when they make up a new song. It makes me happy, ok? (Except that one song about the boy buying shoes for his mom because she's going to meet Jesus for Christmas. Oh how I hate that song. It is one of THE worst songs ever written--right up there with that song that goes..."Daddy please don't, it wasn't his fault, he means so much to me, Daddy please don't, we're gonna get married, just you wait and see." OMG--cough, wretch--blech! Horrid!

What's wrong with you Christmas music haters? What is it that irritates you? Is it the joy? The peace and goodwill? The candy canes and silver lanes? Yeah, I can see how that stuff is soooo annoying. (sarcasm)

I dedicate this video of Christmas favorites to you. Watch it...it's got Santa, trees, lights, decorations, Elvis, an adorable kitten, and polar bears. Polar bears will be burned to a crisp in 10 years so enjoy them now! I think you haters need a big ole Christmas music enema to fill the void where your soul should be.

I will not be ignored!

What's with all this Tiger Woods stuff? Make no mistake, I do appreciate a juicy little gossip and this story was interesting for about 3 hours. If this happened in my neighborhood, we would be standing around whispering, "Well, all I know is that he just happened to crash his car in his driveway at 2 in the morning...and his wife just happened to be standing by with a golf club. And when the cops showed up, he just happened to have jealous wife markings all over his face. Mmmmm hmmmmm."

We would all keep a close eye on the couple for a little while to see if any more drama ensued, but after a few days of nothing, we would get back to worrying about our own life. I certainly wouldn't be knocking on their door demanding to know what happened. And I definitely wouldn't be trying to access his medical records to release to all the neighbors. Because it is really none of my business!!

I fully support Tiger's right not to say squat about this incident. If the police are going to charge him, then they should get on with it! If he was stepping out on her and if she intended to use the golf club to beat the cheater out of him--well, that's between the two of them, right?

Let me also state that I support Tiger's wife and her methods of keeping her man in check. She's my kind of lady. I firmly believe that every happy marriage needs a hint of psycho-- a touch of irrational rage, a dash of the third-degree, a pinch of stalking, an occasional threat or two (the kind where you both are giggling about it until he catches the look of steel in your eye and he stops with a gulp, wondering 'She's not serious...is she?') Men sometimes have a little difficulty with focus so I make sure I keep his eyes on the prize...Me! Alan had a pre-marriage screening of "Fatal Attraction" and he knows (because I remind him) that I abide by the motto "If I can't have you, no one will." I refuse to be one of those women who gets dumped in their 50s after raising the children and keeping the house for her husband all those years. Alan is fully aware that if tries that shit, I am prepared to take him out. (And I don't mean take out as in 'out to dinner.' I mean take out as in 'YOU GO DISCUSS YOUR NEEDS WITH SATAN AND JON GOSSELIN, YOU CHEATING CHEATER--BANG!!') So, if I have to beat the crap out of some bitches along the way or bring the 'Chris Brown' to Alan from time to time, then so be it. I am just fighting for my marriage. I do it because I love him.

If Tiger is cheating or even thinking about it, then I say he deserves a little 9 iron beat down. This woman is the mother of his children and she has put up with him hanging out on the golf course for 80% of his life. Plus look at her...

Would you cheat on that!?! Damn, she's even turning me on!!

Facebook has taken my brain

I've just got nothing right now. I need some time to compose my thoughts so I have some entertainment for you. I discovered this video about a year ago but it still makes me laugh. It's called 'Everyday Normal Guy.' Get out the headphones because it has inappropriate language (my favorite kind.) He does have a part 2 which is good but not as good as the first. And part 3 which, as with most part 3s, sucks. But the first one is just genius.

Lightning can strike twice

I once posted (Waxing Poetic)about a very special person in my life--my deaf Brazilian waxer, Anna Paula. She took very good care of me until last spring. When I called to make my appointment, I found that she had moved away to D.C.--that bitch! How could she?! She didn't even sign goodbye me!


I reluctantly made an appointment with a new girl. I didn't even ask her name--why bother? She wasn't Anna Paula. And not only wasn't she my wonderful deaf Brazilian, but she was terrible. I had the 2nd worst waxing experience of my life. During the waxing she kept making that sucking air sound through her teeth--you know, the sound you hear when you see something really gruesome and you think, "That's got to hurt!" I left with a black and blue crotchital area and a vow to NEVER wax again.


Throughout the summer I tried shaving but that's just not pleasant. The result is itchy, bumpy, sharp stubbleness. (And Brer Rabbit said, "Whatever you do, please don't throw me in that briar patch!!") So when the weather turned, I just gave up and let it go. Until...last week. Alan, while staring at my area, asked, "So, what are you doing with that?" I said, "I'm growing my winter coat. You got a problem with that?" He said, "No, no problem. I was just wondering." Mmmm Hmmmm...just asking. Right.

So I called the spa and made another appointment for a bare bikini (somewhere between a bikini and a full Brazilian.) I also made sure I didn't get the savage who waxed me last. I was still dreading it until I met Skyler, my new waxer. She was sweet, easy to chat with, gentle, and fast. Best of all, she wasn't intimidated by, as Alan called it, my 70's Porn star look. I didn't think it would ever happen again, but it did...I love her. And the sun is once again shining on my hoo-ha, so to speak.

Monday funny

It's Monday and you need a little giggle, so watch this. If you don't think this is funny, then grab the nearest 5 year old to watch it with. You will laugh at them laughing at it. Trust me. I've seen it like 75 times and it never gets old.




Have a weiner day!

Lesson learned

Make no mistake about it, people, parenting is a job. It is a job without monetary benefits, without promotion, and without free perks. If you thought that your life's purpose was to have children, raise children and have those children appreciate the job you did, then you will end up a sad shell of a human being. Unsolicited praise from my kids is very rare and when it does happen, I feel all giddy like a kid on Christmas morning. If there is one thing I have learned as a parent, it is never to look to my kids for any kind of validation of my worth. Here's my most recent example.

I volunteered to bring in a Halloween snack for Shepard's kindergarten class. I decided to go all out--I made bloodshot monster eyeball cupcakes, square pretzels half dipped in chocolate and black and orange sprinkles, and string cheese cut into the shape of a creepy finger with a slice of grape for the fingernail. It took me most of the evening before and the morning of snack day to complete the food. On snack day, I personally delivered the snacks to his class and helped the teacher serve them on carefully chosen Halloween napkins.

That afternoon when Shepard arrived home I asked him, "Shepard, did you like the Halloween snacks I brought to your class?" He replied, "No, it was yucky. I didn't eat it." Shepard is an extremely picky eater and if things look the least bit different he refuses to try it. However, I had worked so hard and I felt really down about it. Alan had a talk with him that evening and told him, "Shepard, you really hurt Mommy's feelings. You should apologize to her."

So the next day, Shepard came up to me, took my hand as he looked me in the eyes, and said, "Mommy, I am sorry your snacks were yucky."

I am a superhero--but you knew that already

It rained here off and on all day on Halloween. But we didn't let that dampen (ha ha) our fun. We got the carving, baking and costuming done for our annual neighborhood party. This year Sage was an evil clown--he worked on his insane laugh for weeks. Shepard was the cutest little cowboy ever. Ah, he is still such an innocent flower. I wonder how long I have until he starts wanting to be a psychotic killer of some sort every year.

Alan and I were superheros this year.

Let me present to you...da da da daaaaahhh...

Captain Roadkill and Wal*Mart Woman!!!

I bought most all of my costume components at Wal*Mart! Can you believe it? I even had one of my neighbors say that I looked hot. Alan agreed and kept wanting to do rude things to Wal*Mart Woman. Man, if I knew dressing trashy would make me this desirable I would have started a long time ago.

Remember kids...

Save money, Live Better.

A sign from...no, not God.

If there was ever a more clear sign to "get blogging" (as my blogging buddy Clippy Mat so eloquently put it) then I don't know what it would be. Here it is compliments of, you guessed it, my son, Sage.

Boys will be boys, I suppose.

Looks like Scarecrow is happy to see you.

Happy Halloween!!!!!!!

Time keeps on slipping

Do I really look 39 to you?!! OK, don't answer that. And stop using your zoom, dammit!!!

All hail the Birthday girl!! That's me. I have made a birthday resolution which is to rock the last year of my 30s. This decade has been good to me. I have wonderful memories. I don't know what to expect from my 40s but I will think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.

I started my day with the kids giving me lots of hugs. Sage even walked with me to the bus stop instead of 10 feet in front of me. I felt so special. Then it was off to coffee with my girlfriends. I am having lunch with my mom at the botanical gardens and dinner with my whole family tonight. Should be a fun day.

When Alan and the boys were discussing my birthday present I told them not to buy anything. I said that the best present they could give me would be to keep the house clean for one week. So, they bought me Rockband 2 for the Xbox. Yes, I love it. I love the drums although I probably look like a spaz on amphetamines when I am playing. I am terrible at guitar. But I think I really shine at the mic. I could totally be a rock singer if it wasn't for the off keyness. Ha!

So what should I do in the last year of my 30s--something I have never done before. Get a tattoo? A piercing on a part other than my ear? Go to Mardi Gras? Vegas? Have sex in a car? On film? Wear a cowboy hat? Go camping? Get in a fist fight? Dye my hair? Take up wrestling? Sewing? Stick to a diet until completion? Have plastic surgery?

I will take suggestions but just keep in mind that I do not jump out or off of things. I am not afraid of heights--I am afraid of falling from them. I am ready to crazy go nuts this year. So let me know what you think. (And if you say plastic surgery, you have to name the part. But if you say my nose, I will cut you!!)

2009's putting J.Hi in a corner

Noooooo, not Swayze too!!

What the hell is going on here?! Why is the year 2009 trying to kill my childhood?

I swear if Simon Le Bon dies next, I am going to freaking LOSE IT, People!!!!

Up yours 2009!!

And don't even think about messing with Michael J. Fox!!!!!

Free at last, free at last

The kids started school last week and boy have I been lazy!!! I was sad to see my baby Shepard start kindergarten...well, I was sad for like thirty seconds after he got on the bus and then I was elated. It's the sweet smell of freedom, baby! Weeeeehoooooo!!

Shepard has adjusted well to school and says that he loves it. On Friday, he was able to pick a prize from the treasure box in his classroom for being well behaved all week. When he got off the bus he showed me his prize and said, "Look what I got on the last day!" Later we were discussing how he does not go to school on Saturday or Sunday but would return Monday. He seemed surprised and said, "Who will I have when I go back?" Ha! I guess he thought four days and he was done with kindergarten.

Sage is in 4th grade this year. On Friday, his school showed the older students the Obama speech. I asked Sage about the speech and he said, "I think it was about education or something."

I knew Shepard would do well with adjusting to school. But I did have one big concern. He is still not wiping his own butt. He can do it, he just chooses not to. He usually calls Alan or me to come in to help him. Halfway through the summer we decided to get tough with him and refuse to come when he called. But the child would just sit there. I swear I think he would have sat on the toilet all day waiting for us to do his dirty work. I couldn't stand it and would usually go in and help him. However, with school coming, I knew I had to dole out some tough love.

This was a typical exchange...

"Moooooommmy!!! Come here!, I'm in the bathroom!!!

No Shepard, you have to try and wipe yourself!

Mommy!!

No! I'm not coming.

Mommy, I'm not pooping. I'm stuck! I'm stuck in the bathroom, Mommy. Come here!

Shepard, you have to try wiping first and then I will come and check you!

But it hurts my arm to wipe!

Shepard, everyone on the whole planet wipes. I know you can do it too.

Mommy, come here!!!

No!!

Come on, Mommy. I'll buy you new pillows!!!!"

Ok, how am I supposed to resist that? It's mental torture. Alan was more impervious to his pleas and when he was there I had to rely on his strength. One day Shepard called, "Daaaaaady, come here!" When Alan refused, he continued, "Moooooomy!!!" I refused. Then there was a pause. "Saaaaaaage!!!" Sage said, "Oh No!! I don't think so."

I finally had a serious talk to Shepard explained to him that when he went to kindergarten his teacher would not wipe his butt. I asked him what he was going to do if he pooped at school. He said, "I am only going to do number one at school." Well, at least he has a plan. Hope that works for him. I did tell Sage that I was going to have to list him as Shepard's 'Poop contact' so he could help Shepard wipe at school. Sage said, "Well, I hope it's during Math class."

Picture perfect

Here's the picture montage I made for Alan. Watch it quick because YouTube said they might shut it down since I used a copyrighted song.

Party in the U.S.A.

I threw Alan a party for his birthday this past Saturday. He actually turns 40 on December 8th however, he wanted a summer party so we could hang out on the porch and deck. So we called it a '39 and holding' party. It was a great success but whoa, am I tired! I had to cat nap off and on all day yesterday and then slept a good 8 hours last night. I still feel a little slow today but life goes on and so must I.

One thing I did realize while planning this party was that it was much easier to pull off then some of the parties we gave in our 20s. When I think back I remember Alan and I frantically cleaning, buying food and drink, and setting up all by ourselves. And a lot of the time we had low turnout--people would be very noncommittal or have other things going on. It was very frustrating. But now it seems like we have no problem pulling off a great party. I had so many people come to me and say, "What can I do?" One of the advantages of getting older, I suppose, people are just as busy but not so self-centered.

The magician/juggler I hired was a great success. I was worried people would think it was cheesy but the guy was great. He did the most amazing card tricks, was very funny, and, best of all, juggled fire on my deck. Oh how I wish I could juggle fire. That is always a crowd pleaser.

After the juggler left, I did a little tribute to Alan. I went over some Alan trivia, read a history of Alan and showed a picture slide show. I am going to throw it on You Tube and post it later. We had great fun and have a wonderful memory to cherish. But it is a good thing my 40th is over a year away because there is only so much fun I can stand in one year. I'm getting older, you know.