Friday, November 07, 2008

Hips don't lie

For me exercise is one of those things that I know I have to do but have never loved--much like going to the dentist, having a pap smear or performing a Lewinsky. I don't care what form of exercise I am doing, I loathe it and watch the clock until it is mercifully over. It starts in the parking lot of the gym. I am driving around looking for the closest parking spot to the door. What is wrong with me? I didn't get the exercise gene. I swear I don't think I have endorphins, I've never gotten high at the gym, dammit.

My other problem is that I have a phobia associated with working out. I can't work out without listening to my iPod but I love to sing loudly when I listen to my iPod. Though when I am singing at the top of my lungs I am always inside my house or cutting the grass where no one can here me. So as I am walking the treadmill yesterday morning I am scared to death that I am going to start screaming out, in a Tourette's like fashion, song lyrics. Can you imagine? I'm rolling along on the treadmill and all of a sudden I belt out "All my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy!" Or I'm stepping along on the cross trainer when I throw my arms up and rapping "Now just throw your hands in the motherfucking air and wave the motherfuckers like you just don't care. What's my motherfucking name? Snoop Doggy Dooooooooog. Bow wow wow, yipee oh yippe a, Bow wow wow yippee O Shit!" (I just opened my eyes to see all the gym people starting at me with shocked faces.) So you see the problem, it's just too risky.

Today I decided to change it up and take a Zumba class. It's a dance/exercise class to jaunty Latin tunes. I haven't taken an exercise class in years so at first I was quite rigid and self-conscious. The instructor was Woooo Hooooing and people were shouting out "Ya-Ha!" and "Arriba!" I'm serious, they were. Cynical me was thinking 'What the hell am I doing here?!' There was a lot of shaking body parts involved and a lot of fancy shamancy steps and then the instructor called out "Are you ready to party, ladies?! Do the Merengue step!" Oh Patrick Swayze! Help me, where ever you are!! Then the jumping started and I think I peed myself--yeah, a little bit. (Curse you Shepard and your big head!) Now she's screaming "Don't forget to breathe!" Fuck, I forgot to breathe! By the end of class I had loosened up a bit and was getting my Shakira on. I even threw out a little 'Wooooo.' I couldn't commit to the 'Hooooo' though. Maybe next class. After class, I found myself wandering in the parking lot like a freaking retard because I couldn't remember where my car was. My brain must have been oxygen deprived. I wish I had remembered to breathe!


Anonymous said...

Sounds like a class of Baby Boomers. Curse them and their "jaunty Latin" tunes.

I don't have that gene either. My doctor told me today to lose weight and my back would stop hurting. Ok, but I like to DO something to exercise like play a sport. You can only throw the gym ball at kindergartners so long before one little sissy runs home and tells their mom.


Big Al said...

Glad to see my lady is getting her Shakira on! You go, girl!

knot - you should try fencing. There's nothing like trying to avoid being stabbed with cold, hard steel to get your heart rate up! I try to keep my workouts intense but short. If you work out with enough intensity you only need 15 minutes. Take a look at Josh Hillis' web site. I follow his Fighter Workouts program - it kicks ass! Also check out the Warrior Diet - you can get some good dieting advice there. Since I started doing yoga and seeing a chiropractor monthly, I have had no back problems. Plus when I start to look like Sting from doing all the yoga, my lady will not be able to keep away! (Or at least that's the theory.) Good luck.

Clippy Mat said...

"oh Patrick Swayze help me."
whenever I am called on in the future to bust a move (it could happen) I will invoke his name in your memory.

J. Hi said...

Knot--you need to find another doctor who will just give you drug already.;)

Big Al--you are a chatty Cathy today.

Clippy Mat--You can always call on the Swayz! :)

BeckEye said...

I never thought of "Ice Cream Man" as a good work-out song. It just makes me want to eat ice cream.

J. Hi said...

Beckeye--what better motivator than food? Hee hee

Melissa said...

i say fuck the gym. i'm boxing on the wii. so far i've knocked out all my opponents in a few seconds, as i like to think they're different people i dislike. it makes me feel good.

Falwless said...

You are too much funny for me to handle sometimes.

Dr Zibbs said...

The most important thing is that that Lewinsky's continue to be performed.

King of New York Hacks said...

I agree with Dr.Zibbs, many calories burned and .....well sometimes consumed ..ummm ....yeah try the Wii.

S E E Quine said...

Next time you lose your car, just put a gihugic sign on it that says; "I'm a retard and I need to know where my car is!" and you'll see it right away!

And as for the getting high thing... I think that only happens when your muscles get big enough or something.

OMG, that reminds me, today I broke my fav elliptical (the one with enough resistance to endure the likes of ME) after a good 45-minutes at full-blast, but I still wasn't high enough so I went to actually try other machines!
` Horrors!

Kathleen said...

Look at all of your comments! Miss Popularity, you. Can I be a sexy minion even if I don't have my own blog?! ;)