Thursday, March 27, 2008

Why does God hate me?

Why did God make me so undertall? If I were taller then my weight would be fine. But I am a short, and I must suffer. Who said losing weight would make you feel better? I feel like shit--I have a constant headache from caffeine deprivation, my stomach is rumbling one hour after I eat, and I am peeing constanly from all this fucking water!!

Why does everything healthy taste like complete crap. I have to choke down my lovely salad with fat-free dressing and my chicken breast with no condiments. Dammit!! And why do all fat-free dressings taste like I am drinking the blood of a three-toed sloth?!

And my family doesn't help either. The kids are driving me crazy with their constant whining--"Mommy, we want breakfast. We want lunch. Are you going to feed us, Mommy?" Why can't they just give it a rest?! And naturally Alan has to piss me off too saying things like, "Honey, I know it's hard, but you'll get through it. You can do it." Instead of being so damn supportive, what would really help me is if he would get his bitch ass in the kitchen and make me a very large fricking cheeseburger. OK?! Do you understand? I am suffering here.

In fact all of you out there eating whatever you want, with your chewing and swallowing, you can all kiss my ass. And do not let me see any skinny ass size 2 bitches today or I will sit on them and break them straight in two. What have I done to deserve this, God?!

Diet day one complete.


Big Al said...

Honey, I know it's hard, but you'll get through it. You can do it.

* ducks *

DebbieDoesLife said...

I am trying to eat healthier myself and it is so hard! Everything that is easy (drive-thrus) are off limits. Everything that tastes good (steak and a big baked potato with everything) is off limits.

So happy to meet someone else today who is as angry as I am. I think my hormones are making me temporarily insane but I am pissed off at the husband today! Why do men have so many choices?? My priorities are this: 1. Family 2. Family 3. Family 4. Me (maybe) Why are men always their own first priority???? Sorry - didn't mean to vent on your blog.

fort knocks said...

I had pizza for breakfast this morning. with bacon. I pity you.

J. Hi said...

Debbie, vent anytime, girl. I feel your pain.

Knocks, you suck. I love pizza. Is it wrong that I am licking your comment right now?

Anonymous said...

You could always eat your children. Kind of Grimm's Fairy tale-ish, eh?

So far I have learned:

- You know what shit feels like
-There is such a thing as "fucking water" - gotta get me some of that. Kind of like Funky Cold Medina I guess.
- You know what the blood of a 3 toed sloth tastes like.

DAMN woman, you're screwed but not from the fucking water.

You're doing it wrong. Email me and I'll tell you how to make it all a lot better.


J. Hi said...

Jef--I'll need to fatten the kids up a bit first. Hmmm, wonder if they taste like chicken? (witchy laughter)

S E E Quine said...

` Oh come on! Sloth blood isn't that bad!