Monday, March 17, 2008

Chemo Kitty

In the interest of saving money I tried to do a little self-service this past weekend. I attempted to wax my own special purpose. I usually go to the spa and shell out 60 or 70 buck for a good Brazilian. I love the results but I didn't think it lasted long enough to justify spending that much. However, I have managed to prove myself wrong.

I went to the drugstore and picked up some wax made with natural products. I was very proud of myself--saving money and going 'green.' How good of me. So I took it home, stared at it for 3 days and then decided to go for it. My hoo-ha wasn't going to wax itself, now was it?

I followed the directions perfectly, really I did. So how could it have gone so horribly wrong? I started with the left side, applied the wax in the direction of the hair, place the strip on, held the skin taut and pulled in the opposite direction of the hair growth. I screamed in pain for a while. I wasn't lying there in front of Claudia, the Brazilian waxer, so I didn't have to be brave and suffer in silence. When the screaming stopped I looked down at the strip only to find a ton of wax but only about 5 hairs there. Well, I'm not a quitter so I kept trying. Apply, rip, scream, apply, rip, scream and whimper, etc.

The hair seemed to be coming out one at a time--I might as well have been using tweezers. I decided to lie down on the bathroom floor and try it. But that was no more successful than standing. I was so afraid my screams would bring the kids running. I kept imagining being caught lying on the floor with both my legs in the air, wax everywhere and only waxing strips to cover my goods--not a memory I want burned in their brains. With visions of therepist bills dancing in my head, I decided it was time to give up. I am sorry to say my results were not good. There was redness, bumps, some bald spots, and some patchy spots. My crotch looked like a chemo patient.

So this was the scene as we were in the bathroom preparing for bed that night...

Alan, "What is this sticky stuff I just stepped in?"

Me, "Oh, that's just snatch wax. Don't worry, It's organic."

Alan, "You waxed? OK, let's see it."

So I lifted up my nightgown for him to take a peek. First he burst out laughing, then when he saw my glare said, "Oh, poor thing."

Me, "So what do you think? Do you want to do it?"

Alan, "Ummm, sure. Can we turn the lights out?"

I called the spa, I have an appointment next month.

6 comments:

Edge said...

I totally admire your honesty. My wife and I talked about this briefly not too long ago. We both have questions about how long it lasts if you do it professionally. I think my stepdaughter waxes because she leaves the wax in the refrigerator. Ya, not sure I like that. I've even thought about experimenting myself. And then I read your post.

Email me I have some questions.

~Jef

Mick said...

I believe that is the funniest blog I have ever read.

Jon said...

When it comes to my Special Purpose, "going green" is the last thing I want to do.

J. Hi said...

Hey, what can I say?! My hoo-ha is environmentally conscious. ;)

Melissa said...

you can save money by waxing alan's back with your green products. he'll never forget to take out the trash again.

S E E Quine said...

` You know what's funny? My boyfriend really would help me with that type of thing! Totally wax Alan's back!