Monday, April 14, 2008

My lap is on FIRE!!

I am driving along today in my ultra cool Oldsmobile station wagon, when I happen to notice wisps of smoke in front of my face. At first I dismissed it as a trick of my mind or maybe another thing that happens when you get old, you know--dry eyes, floating spots in my peripheral vision, and now I am seeing wisps of smoke. But it kept happening more frequently so I decided that either my crotch was on fire or I had some kind of electrical short in my steering column. Now I admit that my crotch is smoking hot--especially since the self-waxing job has grown out--but I am pretty sure it is coming from the car.

I called Alan who called our mechanic, Harvey. Alan then called me back and said that yes, it was probably an electrical short and it is probably fine to drive until tomorrow when they can get to it. However, Alan continues, if flames start shooting out of the steering column, I should pull over and stop driving the car. I am so thankful that I have men to give me such good advice, but they need not worry. If I am going to burn up in a car it is not going to be in an Oldsmobile station wagon going a law-abiding 45 mph, listening to talk radio while I am dropping my son off at art class. If I burn up in a car it will be while I am going 110 mph in a black and silver Lamborghini wearing a thong bikini, listening to Slayer and running from the police. Just saying.

5 comments:

Edge said...

Ya, that slayer thong bikini thing happened to me once in Ohio ... totally worth it ...

And it wasn't my birthday, mine is in October, I just mis-phrased it. Sorry for the confusion.

So what wax do you use?

~Jef

J. Hi said...

Jef--you make me giggle. I don't know what wax it was. It was from the drug store but I wouldn't recommend it. It hurt me, so I beat it and buried it in the backyard.

fort knocks said...

Same thing happened to me the other day - except it really was my crotch. Really did a number on my upholstery (is that dirty?).

Freak Magnet said...

Ahhhhh yes! Men and their helpful comments! LOL What would we do without them?

S E E Quine said...

` Heh heh... if it catches on fire, just pull over. Like, 'no, I won't pull over because I have a fire extinguisher in my crotch!' WTF?