Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Joan Crawford Motherhood Award goes to...

I locked Shepard in the car yesterday. I blame healthy eating. Here's how it happened.

I pull into my driveway with Shepard asleep in his car seat. I'm on the way to pick Sage up at school and then drop the boys at my parents house before I have to dash off to work and arrive by 3 pm. I had stopped at the house to run in and grab my healthy dinner from the fridge. Since Shepard was asleep I leave him in the air conditioned car with the motor running. However, it wasn't until I shut my car door and hear the click of doom that I remember my car doors automatically lock when the car is running.

I didn't panic because just recently Shepard has learned to unhook himself from the car seat. So I decide to get my dinner and then wake Shepard up so he can unlock the car door for me. I stroll out of the house with my Darth Vadar lunch box tucked under my arm, confidently walk up to the car window and start knocking and calling Shepard's name. The boy doesn't budge.

Knocking louder now, starting to yell, "Shepard, wake up, honey!"

Nothing, not even a twitch.

Screaming now, kicking the door, pounding on the window, "SHEPARD, wake up right now! Mommy wants you to WAKE UP! ICE CREAM--do you want some yummy ice cream? Mmmmmm, I'm going to eat your ice cream! SHEEEEEEPAAAAARD!"

This boy is Rip Van Winkle. I am now in full panic. I call Alan for help--he has a key to my car. He has to explain what happened to his boss and leave work. Then he calls the school to tell them why I will be late picking up Sage. I call work and tell them I will be late because I locked my child in the car--"You locked your WHAT in the car?" Finally, I call my Mother and explain why the boys will be late arriving to her house.

My Mom, "Oh my God, do you think he will asphyxiate?!"

Me, "No Mother, don't be ridiculous, he won't asphyxiate! I've got to go, bye."

Thinking "OH MY GOD, HE'S GOING TO ASPHYXIATE!!" I start frantically banging on the car door again. Some neighborhood kids see my insane plight and come over to help. The four of us start pounding on the window together and calling his name until he finally wakes up. After a minute of groggy fumbling, he unhooks himself and unlocks the car. And the people rejoice.

So here we have another terrible side effect of lean meats and green veggies. In other news, this past weekend I cleaned out my closet and threw away all wire hangers. So that cancels out locking my child in the car, right?


fort knocks said...

With all the CO2 buildup in the car, I bet it was a pretty deep sleep. and getting deeper.

At least you're not on the news.

fort knocks said...

With all the CO2 buildup in the car, I bet it was a pretty deep sleep. and getting deeper.

At least you're not on the news.

Edge said...

Sorry, had to call Child Protective Services. Don't go anywhere for a while, ok?

Oh man, this is why I don't want all that auto locking stuff. Just give me the plain old regular locks on a car. You can't lock my car without a key so the driver's side won't lock unless you are on the inside and lock it.

I'm sure he has brain damage though. (giggle)

He'll be fine.


J. Hi said...

Oh, believe me, there was more CO2 buildup on the outside of the car than on the inside.

Jef-you're right, he does have brain damage. It comes from Alan's side of the family.;) Also the heavy sleeping.

Freak Magnet said...

I can totally relate to that panic! I'm glad it worked out so well!!

S E E Quine said...

` Aaaa haaa haaa! This is why I like my Jetta Wolfsburg's really weird quirk, annoying though it can be:
` You can't lock it unless you take the key out of the ignition and put it in the driver's side door.
` That way, there's no chance of locking the driver's side door from inside the car, unless it is in motion.
` Why don't they have that in more vehicles? I once locked my cat in my old car, while it was running. Ironically I thought it was amazingly lucky that I spied a wire coat hanger lying nearby.....